i look back at the past few weeks and think to where i was. mentally and physically i was fresh. i was open. i was beaten to putty. i think, the in past few, im the lump thats started to spin on the potters wheel. im not much of anything yet. i dont have a defined form. im taller... im smoothed.... but im not anything anyone wants on a shelf quite yet.
analogies aside, i was lost. i suppose i could have died, dumping my car in a ditch headfirst like that. i know, mentally, i was close to breaking up. everything kept building and without any relent, i knew the dam was going to break. but ever so slowly, some of the water receeded, and i put holes in it where i had to. mentally, i couldnt deal with my own health issues, my leadership roles, my own expectations, my relationships with others, and my relationship with one special person. its hard to admit that. its hard to say, i cant do it all, and i cant do it anymore. i tell people, that the physical part of my life is the simplest to deal with now. i know what has to get done. i know what work i can do, and i can see my bodies response. in my mind, i cant see that. in my heart, i dunno if anyone else ever will. and that makes is so much harder.
i set off with some goals in a spiral notebook. ill be damned if i cant do something, when i cant do anything / everything in my ilfe. i joined the gym. i sat and faced the doctors. i accepted the fact that one day i am going to die. i dont know when, but i want to put that farther down the road than i could ever hope to remember. that meant doing the un-scott thing. so now im hitting the gym, up to two hours at a time, now 4 times a week. am i going to get burnt out? hell yeah. am i doing everything right in the gym? ofcourse not. am i making a committment to myself, and making progress? yes i am. i know in a month now, and only a couple weeks at the gym, ive lost weight. im eating completely differently too. its a big difference in my health. i hate it. but i have to do it. because i promised myself, to be around for a while.
i took a few other goals down this past week. i bought a tv yesterday. people that know me, know ive never had a tv. there was one in the house growing up, but since ive been an adult, since ive had my own bedroom, since ive moved out in to the world; i dont have one. i thought i should change that. i drove to chicago, went to my favorite electronics store, and dropped a grand on a tv. i brought it home and found out its damaged... the screen is broken. what kind of shit filled message is that? the kind i expected really. maybe im not supposed to have a tv. thats karma. keeping me in check. i wanted one. i wanted to make good on some changes in my life, but maybe its not for me. so now, i have a very expensive table lamp until i get this resolved. but i wasnt angry. i punched my leg in frustration when i powered it on and saw it... but i let the anger pass me over. i spent 25 minutes opening the box, unpacking parts, removing wrappers, reading the manual... before i even took the tv out. an hour into it, i had it up and done and ready to go. and i sat on the floor looking at it in disbelief. i own a pretty bitchin, 55" tv. i smiled. i was happy for myself. then i turned it on, and saw the giant crack and the jittery colors. but i let the anger wash over me like the surf. i didnt fight it, i just went under it, and came back up out of it. its ok. its a tv. whats another few weeks, that 16 years didn't already do to me?
goals are like that. i realize some of my goals are incredible. some are pretty mundane. some just seem stupid or scathingly out of touch for most people. but its about me. its about the changes i needed to make all along. its about knowing where i was at and seeing where i want to go in the next five years. maybe a tv was getting greedy by a bit too much.
i spent part of the night seeing friends in chicago land. real friends. even they remarked on how different i feel now. that felt good to hear. its hard for some people to deal with me and understand it. people that have known me for decades get it. everybody knows parts of my story, but no one except me, really knows it all anymore. i wish i could forget alot of it some nights. i know, that nights like this are what changes that. looking at where i am to see where im going. something are big milestones... like making that strong effort to be at the gym at four am some days. its about making promises and keeping them. there are so many other goals i want to look at and work on.
there are so many things i have left to do in my life, and a short time to do any of it. it has been about my heart though. its the most troublesome thing for me to fix. doctors deal with it. my rinpoche tinkers at it. i dont know know what im even doing with it. But we all agree ill die from it. I will dies from it because i dont listen to my heart. thats a physical health thing. thats a gut check thing about living the right way. That's about about love too. its about me needing to get past so many of the things ive written about over the years, or eluded to at least. i cant be alone anymore in this world. now that i know what im heading to, i need someone more than ever in my life. the next five years are going to be the most challenging and change riddled of my life. that much is clear; i need some stability. i need someone to tell me when im right and when im wrong. and its not too much to ask to have someone to kiss or cry with, is it? It comes down to so many experiences that will happen, I'm selfish to not want someone to share this with. Especially the one person that stepped up and said she loved me. Even if i didn't believe it then, I need to now.
just as much as the tv was a overshoot... maybe thats what im looking at with this too. maybe it was a bridge too far. i always said, i knew id die alone because there probably wasn't ever anyone out there to love me. i love people. I've deeply loved several women. not a one has ever said she loved me. 30 years on this earth and it hadn't happened. I've handed out rings. Ive bought gifts. ive been there to give away some of them to other men. Nothing. Then someone said it. And I was confused and not ready for it. Here I am now asking myself why I wasn't ready then. its a big step to get what i want. that tv was a big step. i could have just picked up a junky 20" tube tv from craigslist for 20 bucks. i wanted something for me. it cracked and fell apart before it was mine. i guess thats a metaphor for something else in my life related to love, right now. maybe it had cracks in it before i could find a way to make it mine, and maybe the cracks were mine showing through.
it makes me sad to think that some of my goals, that I'm so happily crossing off... have to get whited out and put back on the page. i want to see a list of things getting done. i want to see change and progress in my life that tells me all the struggle is making a difference. in the end, its pushing people away from me i wanted to keep. people struggle seeing eye to eye with me. and even i don't understand myself some days anymore. in that respect, i have to go back and put a lot of me back on the page, on a layer of white out. its hard seeing the lines in the ripples of our own self reflection. but its necessary. and its the only way out of all this for me.
S
there are so many things i have left to do in my life, and a short time to do any of it. it has been about my heart though. its the most troublesome thing for me to fix. doctors deal with it. my rinpoche tinkers at it. i dont know know what im even doing with it. But we all agree ill die from it. I will dies from it because i dont listen to my heart. thats a physical health thing. thats a gut check thing about living the right way. That's about about love too. its about me needing to get past so many of the things ive written about over the years, or eluded to at least. i cant be alone anymore in this world. now that i know what im heading to, i need someone more than ever in my life. the next five years are going to be the most challenging and change riddled of my life. that much is clear; i need some stability. i need someone to tell me when im right and when im wrong. and its not too much to ask to have someone to kiss or cry with, is it? It comes down to so many experiences that will happen, I'm selfish to not want someone to share this with. Especially the one person that stepped up and said she loved me. Even if i didn't believe it then, I need to now.
just as much as the tv was a overshoot... maybe thats what im looking at with this too. maybe it was a bridge too far. i always said, i knew id die alone because there probably wasn't ever anyone out there to love me. i love people. I've deeply loved several women. not a one has ever said she loved me. 30 years on this earth and it hadn't happened. I've handed out rings. Ive bought gifts. ive been there to give away some of them to other men. Nothing. Then someone said it. And I was confused and not ready for it. Here I am now asking myself why I wasn't ready then. its a big step to get what i want. that tv was a big step. i could have just picked up a junky 20" tube tv from craigslist for 20 bucks. i wanted something for me. it cracked and fell apart before it was mine. i guess thats a metaphor for something else in my life related to love, right now. maybe it had cracks in it before i could find a way to make it mine, and maybe the cracks were mine showing through.
it makes me sad to think that some of my goals, that I'm so happily crossing off... have to get whited out and put back on the page. i want to see a list of things getting done. i want to see change and progress in my life that tells me all the struggle is making a difference. in the end, its pushing people away from me i wanted to keep. people struggle seeing eye to eye with me. and even i don't understand myself some days anymore. in that respect, i have to go back and put a lot of me back on the page, on a layer of white out. its hard seeing the lines in the ripples of our own self reflection. but its necessary. and its the only way out of all this for me.
S
