Thursday, March 05, 2009

Why Why Why Why

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? ? ? ? ?


That's the only question anyone seems to be asking me lately.


Why do you feel such pressure to get a real job?

Why can't you be content with going to a wedding single?

Why is it you can't be happy for someone else?


I hate answering questions like this. But sometimes its all related. This is potentially one of those times, as luck might have it. Potentially, I did say. Because, I myself, don't know the root of all three answers, in as much clarity, to know for sure myself. Remember, that all this space is designed to do, is vent the thoughts I wish to vent. It can't make sense all the time. AND it certainly can't even make sense to me 100% of the time.

Why can't I be happy for someone else? That's loaded. Waaaay beyond loaded. Granted, its the only question I'm not getting asked regularly. There is a sharp reason for that: very, very few people know to ask it, and where it reflects. I kinda of bends back to a certain someone. A Someone, if you will. And with so many to choose from, I wont elaborate any further, than to say, different people, from different times of my life, will all think this answer points back to them. That's the likely answer. It does, in large respect, come back to each of them. Yes, I can be happy with them. But no, anymore, I can't be happy FOR them. Because that's dropping away a lot of things from my own sense of humanity, to make it palpable in the blandest of servings. Especially to me. In short, I have to do this because I know that its a way to heal myself from everything everyone else has done over the years. Its my way, of making myself, choke on the medicine, I need to take. I could sit and feign happiness, but i wont know it myself. As just as that might be, its not very honest. To me, part of this revolves around my failed sense of being honest with myself. I've lied. I've cheated. I've been extraordinary difficult to deal with. All to myself. So to be happy for someone else, means I have to forget everything I ever did.... to separate the happiness I had from them and from myself. Right now, that's what I'm driving at.

Secondly; Why can't I be content going to a wedding single? Well. See the last question. See my answer bleeding through? Because its about to bleed across to the third question as well. See, I need to move on. I need to have a life. I can't be me. I can't be, this ridiculous excuse for Scott, indefinitely. One, civilized step forward in the rest of my life, is the big step. At 28, nearly every friend I had or have; is married. Or closely in route. I'm here. I'm the biggest joke I know. I struggle with the fact that I can't make it happen. Not marriage. That I can't make a relationship work. Because it's obvious to everyone that's known me for several years, that's part of the problem. The second part of the problem is the Scott in question. But this is it. I can't be who I am forever. I can't, and I don't want to be. And now, that I'm at this juncture, I can't change it. I can't seem to do a damn thing about it. So I have to do something to set my motivation in order. I have to give myself a reason. I have to know in my mind, that I need a deadline. So when everyone asks me, Why the date? Because I have to show myself, that I'm not a worthless, nearly 30 year old, about to burn out on self esteem. I guess, I have to motivate myself to show everyone, that I'm not that guy. So I'm struggling to find something to work from, as is painfully aware.

So then, Why do I feel such pressure to get a real job? Because all those years ago; that was the dream I always had for myself. My great plan for life, depended on my ability to make some money. Filthy fucking piles of money. So I could escape. So I could end up being Scott to whatever extent I wanted myself to amount to. Because, subconsciously, even then I knew it was going to be such a struggle to find anyone else out there for me, I forced myself to prepare for the days alone. My plan for life still hasn't changed. To cash out. To drop totally off the grid, so to speak, at a relatively young age, and just go off. To Ted Williams my life.... To hit a home run in my last at bat, and walk right out of the stadium when I do it. To keep the whole thing a complete surprise to everyone. That dream, revolves around my ability to set up that whole scenario. So I can't wait forever. And right now seems like a great time. The people around me are great. But I'd be lying to myself again, if I said that I knew... deep down... that I wasn't capable of more than this. I think everyone else would too.

So I have to put pressure on myself, because that's what its all about. ME. That's all I have at the end of the day. I go home to myself. I don't have a wife, that cares about me or my day. I don't have anyone that ever wants to know what I do. Who cares if I make dinner? Who compliments me if I decided to go out looking nice to work at a whim? No one seems amused by my jokes at night, in those last moment before drifting to sleep. No one needs me around to hold their hand when they cry, or to kiss them whey they see me leave. No one tells me Happy Valentines Day, and means it, and no kids bring me handwritten cards with sappy, miss-spelled phrases. I don't go to a job, and make decisions people respect. I don't have any part in doing much of anything I really enjoy. And I certainly don't do anything, anyone else couldn't do.

No, I don't have any of that. It was one of those promises I made to myself a few years ago, late at night, sleeping in my car, that I know I have to keep to myself. And I do intend on making it right. Even if I write the check, and cash to myself; someone has to know that. Everything that I thought I wanted, hinges on me moving on. Its just a job. Its just a date. Its just happiness. Why does it matter when I make a decision to move in that direction? Why does any of it matter to any of us?