the 80's hits rollllllll on! rollin like the
WHEEL IN THE SKY!
get out your dusty, stringy mullets, pinch off your testicles, and roll out with your skin tight jeans, and belt it out.....
ooooooooooooooooooooo the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin!
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
JOURNEY
Dancing with Myself - Billy Idol
im bringing the heat people. im dancin with my [zombie????] self, self!!! so make a fist.... crook your arm.... pose that bleached hair do.... then roll out with some gay dancing action in the cut away leather vest....
ooooh
cuz im dancing with mysel-helf!!!!!
Monday, February 02, 2009
A So-real Chain of Days
I havent put up a real post of worth here in a few days.... i suppose im over due.
the last couple of weeks ive had alot on my mind. why?
work is what it is. its work. i still havent hit the stage where everything is easy, and down hill and butter coated yet. i still have to think when people ask me questions about stuff. i have to prepare a response. i have to actually consult a fucking paper catalog to get an answer. plumbing was so much easier for me. i knew it. i shut my brain off for days sometimes. i didnt need a catalog. i knew what companies made available. all i had to do was call for accurate pricing and stock notices. im not so lucky now. so it is work.
i suppose id lie if i said my whole grandmother isssue isnt ever on my mind. it is. in different ways. we've had a series of not so good days. there is more medication now than i know about. physically, she is about where a 90 year old woman should be. mentally its changing day by day. we've had several middle of the night calls. in fact, most of the time when she calls my parents, its like we arent sure of who the person is thats calling. the voice we know. the things she says sometimes... the mood swings.... its very difficult. but then, there are some crystal clear days. after those days, ive walked out of the building asking my self, why is she here? she can be that good. names, pictures, events. even current events. we had some other pictures we found, wed never seen before. she could identify most of the people. THAT good of a day. then the thunder clouds come in... then you never know. its hard. really, shes the only grandparent ive ever had. sure, grandpa A was alive for a few years when i was really young. but even though i have memories of him, its not the same. not by a long shot.
of things on my mind. well.
potential.
really? motivational speaker tone? not so much. and yes im not really one to talk much about motivation or potential. however, i need to address it. i think, however, most people understand where im coming from and probably what i need to say.
i need to move on. and im struggling with doing that.
thats as plain as i can put it. because, i think i need to hear it too. the longer i wait, the harder its going to be to do much of anything. i have, about 4 weeks ago, turned 28; and i have ridiculously little to show for my life. its crippling me with fear, to know that i could be 30; still without a real job, still stuck living in the basement, while every one of my peers has jobs, is married, and has a family of their own. so please dont try to console me with the typical, "its not that bad" or the "you've got time" or the uninspiring "you're putting too much pressure on yourself" because its getting to me now. those are all defenses we make for ourselves, that i really dont want to make for myself. i guess, im more comfortable with the truth, although, markedly more embarrased by it.
it isnt anyone elses fault but my own. so try to read things with as little insult as possible, but without treading too deeply:
i work a dead end job. in all honesty. retail isnt going anywhere these days. its low, but steady pay. we also know there is no chance of me making descent money where i am, and even with moving its several years out. i havent been real excited about it, but its getting harder by the day to stay anwhere positive about my spot. ive been interviewing about. ive had some call backs. but i still havent gotten anything thats for an increase in salary, stature and mobility. which, really are three things im looking for.
i guess ive got to grow up. get a real job. use that potential. i have no clue where, or how. but i have to. i really dont want to be that guy that stays at this place in life for ever. i want to make more money. i want to have a more important job. i dont want to wear jeans and a glorified blue t shirt to work every day. no offense to anyone. i just dont think thats what i want for my professional life. i dont think thats why i went to college. i dont think thats why i did the things i did in college. right now im just chasing a pay check.
im chasing more than that. im chasing after things in my personal life i really dont think ill get. i said that i dont feel good about wandering towards 30. i dont. not in the shape im in. knowing that i have 2 friends left, that wont be married or have kids, or be on the way to either option. i never would have guessed that at 30 id be for want. i never knew id have it. but i never knew id be for want. i think to myself about my past relationships. about how i used to think i screwed up. how i made girls run out on me. how i pushed people out. how i couldnt pull them in. now. now i realize i am who i am. every ounce of me. its not about pulling in, or pushing away. its about not being the compatible type. someone slammed me this week in an email, because i talked at length, for spending my saturday photographing ducks and eagles on the frozen river. slammed me, because i bitch about being lonely, and single, and here i sit going on and on about ducks. i presume the link is; women dont care about ducks. they dont care about men that photography ducks. they care about men, trying to grab a tit in a smokey dance floor; or men who buy them drinks because they have cute friends. i talk about photographing ducks.
im not a serious photographer. she knew that. im not serious about saving the animals... or ducks per se. she knew that i make it an excuse. that i enjoy it. i dont enjoy being lonely. or single. or feeling like i really dont have a chance at what i want. but i guess, i enjoy myself. to go through the motions of the "ideal" courtship again, isnt something id enjoy. the bars. the money. the alcohol. the fake phone numbers. the bitchy attitudes. the lack of leads. i dont enjoy that. i guess, i sat in my chair, and i watched the ducks. i watched the trees. they sky. the sunset. i couldnt get angry about much of anything. i couldnt get angry by avoiding it and staying away from it all.
which all leads to interesting coversations we dont expect. people like to talk at me. not with me. obama, to oil. israel. wall street. football. i always find it crazy to hear them go on and on with thoughts and conclusions that just dont make sense. and when the coversation lends it, i leave a hint. i drop something on them, that makes them stop to think. but they never ask me about shit. so i walk away. then today, i got into a coversation up at the front end, coloring in a sign, while avoiding work for a while, about women and relationships. it was with someone i hadnt expected it to come from. and he kept putting me on the spot about what i want. about what im looking for. and the advice didnt really exist. just talk. but it made me think some. think about whom i would want to marry and have kids with. i cant come up with an answer any more. that troubles me. because, maybe... maybe ive drifted so far off the shore, i dont remember what the beach looks like anymore. maybe, ive become so self absorbed because of everything in my life, i know myself so well that i cant know anyone else now. it made me think about that today while we were talking.
just things i guess i should have talked about by now, that i havent really.
the last couple of weeks ive had alot on my mind. why?
work is what it is. its work. i still havent hit the stage where everything is easy, and down hill and butter coated yet. i still have to think when people ask me questions about stuff. i have to prepare a response. i have to actually consult a fucking paper catalog to get an answer. plumbing was so much easier for me. i knew it. i shut my brain off for days sometimes. i didnt need a catalog. i knew what companies made available. all i had to do was call for accurate pricing and stock notices. im not so lucky now. so it is work.
i suppose id lie if i said my whole grandmother isssue isnt ever on my mind. it is. in different ways. we've had a series of not so good days. there is more medication now than i know about. physically, she is about where a 90 year old woman should be. mentally its changing day by day. we've had several middle of the night calls. in fact, most of the time when she calls my parents, its like we arent sure of who the person is thats calling. the voice we know. the things she says sometimes... the mood swings.... its very difficult. but then, there are some crystal clear days. after those days, ive walked out of the building asking my self, why is she here? she can be that good. names, pictures, events. even current events. we had some other pictures we found, wed never seen before. she could identify most of the people. THAT good of a day. then the thunder clouds come in... then you never know. its hard. really, shes the only grandparent ive ever had. sure, grandpa A was alive for a few years when i was really young. but even though i have memories of him, its not the same. not by a long shot.
of things on my mind. well.
potential.
really? motivational speaker tone? not so much. and yes im not really one to talk much about motivation or potential. however, i need to address it. i think, however, most people understand where im coming from and probably what i need to say.
i need to move on. and im struggling with doing that.
thats as plain as i can put it. because, i think i need to hear it too. the longer i wait, the harder its going to be to do much of anything. i have, about 4 weeks ago, turned 28; and i have ridiculously little to show for my life. its crippling me with fear, to know that i could be 30; still without a real job, still stuck living in the basement, while every one of my peers has jobs, is married, and has a family of their own. so please dont try to console me with the typical, "its not that bad" or the "you've got time" or the uninspiring "you're putting too much pressure on yourself" because its getting to me now. those are all defenses we make for ourselves, that i really dont want to make for myself. i guess, im more comfortable with the truth, although, markedly more embarrased by it.
it isnt anyone elses fault but my own. so try to read things with as little insult as possible, but without treading too deeply:
i work a dead end job. in all honesty. retail isnt going anywhere these days. its low, but steady pay. we also know there is no chance of me making descent money where i am, and even with moving its several years out. i havent been real excited about it, but its getting harder by the day to stay anwhere positive about my spot. ive been interviewing about. ive had some call backs. but i still havent gotten anything thats for an increase in salary, stature and mobility. which, really are three things im looking for.
i guess ive got to grow up. get a real job. use that potential. i have no clue where, or how. but i have to. i really dont want to be that guy that stays at this place in life for ever. i want to make more money. i want to have a more important job. i dont want to wear jeans and a glorified blue t shirt to work every day. no offense to anyone. i just dont think thats what i want for my professional life. i dont think thats why i went to college. i dont think thats why i did the things i did in college. right now im just chasing a pay check.
im chasing more than that. im chasing after things in my personal life i really dont think ill get. i said that i dont feel good about wandering towards 30. i dont. not in the shape im in. knowing that i have 2 friends left, that wont be married or have kids, or be on the way to either option. i never would have guessed that at 30 id be for want. i never knew id have it. but i never knew id be for want. i think to myself about my past relationships. about how i used to think i screwed up. how i made girls run out on me. how i pushed people out. how i couldnt pull them in. now. now i realize i am who i am. every ounce of me. its not about pulling in, or pushing away. its about not being the compatible type. someone slammed me this week in an email, because i talked at length, for spending my saturday photographing ducks and eagles on the frozen river. slammed me, because i bitch about being lonely, and single, and here i sit going on and on about ducks. i presume the link is; women dont care about ducks. they dont care about men that photography ducks. they care about men, trying to grab a tit in a smokey dance floor; or men who buy them drinks because they have cute friends. i talk about photographing ducks.
im not a serious photographer. she knew that. im not serious about saving the animals... or ducks per se. she knew that i make it an excuse. that i enjoy it. i dont enjoy being lonely. or single. or feeling like i really dont have a chance at what i want. but i guess, i enjoy myself. to go through the motions of the "ideal" courtship again, isnt something id enjoy. the bars. the money. the alcohol. the fake phone numbers. the bitchy attitudes. the lack of leads. i dont enjoy that. i guess, i sat in my chair, and i watched the ducks. i watched the trees. they sky. the sunset. i couldnt get angry about much of anything. i couldnt get angry by avoiding it and staying away from it all.
which all leads to interesting coversations we dont expect. people like to talk at me. not with me. obama, to oil. israel. wall street. football. i always find it crazy to hear them go on and on with thoughts and conclusions that just dont make sense. and when the coversation lends it, i leave a hint. i drop something on them, that makes them stop to think. but they never ask me about shit. so i walk away. then today, i got into a coversation up at the front end, coloring in a sign, while avoiding work for a while, about women and relationships. it was with someone i hadnt expected it to come from. and he kept putting me on the spot about what i want. about what im looking for. and the advice didnt really exist. just talk. but it made me think some. think about whom i would want to marry and have kids with. i cant come up with an answer any more. that troubles me. because, maybe... maybe ive drifted so far off the shore, i dont remember what the beach looks like anymore. maybe, ive become so self absorbed because of everything in my life, i know myself so well that i cant know anyone else now. it made me think about that today while we were talking.
just things i guess i should have talked about by now, that i havent really.
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