as i was reading tonight; i ran across a wonderful excerpt that paralleled my lack of reasoning for a lack of posting; unfortunately, this was his reasoning [in part] to not promptly returning correspondence back to the United States, during his campaign from Market Garden through The Bulge. I have no such war to fight. But, I think, I have similar feelings of impersonality, and perfection driven days, filled with crap that shouldn't be left to me.


" I certainly didn't feel like writing anymore. I couldn't explain why, but the only emotion that I could arouse were feelings of anger and after staying mad all day and half the night, I was just plain tired. Mad at what? Just about everything for just about everything was done wrong or it wasn't done perfectly. Since nothing but perfection was acceptable, I stayed mad. What struck me most was how damn tired I became by the end of each day and how difficult it was to concentrate. I now had people asking me questions about weapons, targets, harassing fire, grazing fire, chow, transportation, and base of fire. It never ended. I had no time to consider a person's feelings or devotion to the point, or incidental matters. Combat required that my thoughts and feelings remain hard, cold, indifferent, and effective. As to any tender thoughts I might have possessed before the war, I had left them behind in the marshaling area in England. There was no room for trivialities. "

Maj. Richard Winters
Beyond Band of Brothers [2006]

so an entry here is quite overdue. again. as usual. i have no excuses really.

should anyone not know, i did take the position in a different department. its up and down for me. the first couple have weeks have definitely pulled me out of a comfort zone. but as a plus, i notice so much more about everything downstairs... as in how out of place it is, how poorly its stocked... all compared to where i am at. oh well. as long as the checks keep cashing out, ill keep showing up.

not much else new. life is getting back into a rut of sorts. rut may not describe it well. path is better. with a rut, my first thought is to the bottom; to the muck and stagnant water that always accumulates in a rut. ruts are not a nice place to wallow in and about. ive got a bit more direction than being herded through a rut and its slop. but im most definitively on a predetermined track. that much isn't always good. but at least for me, the way is clear for now.

don't get me wrong, [in fact, cue up the "Don't Stop Believing"] i still want out, and im still trying to get out. but the signs are getting less frequent to turn off at. honestly, ive grown so callused to the Deere and Arsenal hiring practices, ive largely given up on either of them of late. sure, they are the largest, and best paying options in the area, but they sure dont seem interested in me what so ever. instead, ive been hitting up several of the area hospitals, and the universities. not that i want to run back to the bastions of liberalism, but dammit, compared to where i am at now, those halls look gilded to me. so i try. so far, ive not accomplished much.

for part two; yes, i still live in the basement. its shameful. but ive scrounged and surveyed: still with my current wage and overhead, im not sure i could make money living anywhere else. my best guess is hoping to break even or be up about 100 dollars per month, depending on utility increases and fuel increases. so. i stay on in the concrete bunker. on the positive; i have been banking quite steadily my surplus from staying put, against my loan... id expect the jeep to be mine in the clear by the end of the year... maybe at the latest february of 2009. which is grand. fucking grand. because its a year early. so... all that money can go to the "Free The Scott Foundation," or to the money pit that is student loan payback.

as a side track of money and february; im still leaning on taking early vacation next year [provided im still with Blue]. while it kills me to work so long with out any hope, and to cover for everyone else with hope; it seemed like a nice change of pace this winter. hopefully airlines will still be somewhat cheap before the spring hike hits, so... im taking ideas. hopefully something warm... but something in me is thinking the Great Northwest... who knows. just an idea.

anyhow... just checking in ... people were asking questions.... so to stave off the police reports im still around...