Thursday, August 21, 2008

here goes another one of my famous, "what the hell am i doing at the keyboard at this time of night" posts. to which, i never have any answer. still wont here either.

people have been asking me if i know about this story; and no i really dont. the three classes i had from that department all were with other professors. to be honest, id never even seen the guy in my time at iowa. not to beat a dead horse, but it really must be a great gig to do that. come on. reading papers that the nubile, young, dont-know-any-better, coeds write each semester has to weigh down on someone with a phD. he found a way to make it better. allegedly. gives a whole new interpretation to grading by a curve, doesn't it? in all seriousness, my best guess is that he is dead. what surprises me the most is that he left with out certain personal effects. why? well... it gets a bit foggy here... so bear with me.

criminals plan things. even if the plan is, mug this guy and take his money. its a plan. they aren't always well thought out. they cant be. because most of them get caught in the act, or with in 48 hours of commission. anyway. suicides ARE different. one could argue its a crime, but keep in mind, this is much more like dealing with a mentally deranged person. the problem is, they are, and remain, fully in control. what? yeah. hang on this. suicides do things we dont think rationally would apply. they eat lunch, then 20 minutes later, jump off a bridge. they read the paper, feed the cat, then jump in the shower with a hair dryer. its quite a daft proposition to think that anything is related to anything else. again, we only get the opportunity to look backwards at a crime scene. which, when we come across it, was simply a place where a crime was committed. logically, people without knowledge of these things [particularly family members, and the general public once the media throws it all out there like Vince Foster], look for a causal chain... a stark reason that would set them overboard, followed by a line of shit about how they "would never do something like this." obviously. suicides really are a one time deal.

but scott, you are presuming hes dead, and dont know that yet! yes, i am, and so do the police. again, to bear the point across: that this man left his wallet, cell phone and miscellaneous personal affects behind should lend us a few clues about his mental state at that moment. dying anonymously. not really. but subjectively he felt so. why? distance. obviously the man in question is up against it; his profession and his personal life are about over with as he knows it, so hes trying to distance it. or maybe, he really felt like walking in the woods with a rifle, and thought better of loosing his wallet out there, so he left it in the car. things were not staged here. this type of deliberate action suggest distancing himself in death from his life. why would he need distance? because of shame. guilt. a lack of willingness to accept fate for his actions. he is dead, and he intended to kill himself. he has left personal affects behind to remain more anonymous. it could be hard to find him.

really? well take vince foster. he was missing for a day or so, then a search was on, and finally he was found right next to a monument, near a bush, in a park. most parks have pretty easy access to monuments. so why is it so hard to find one dead guy? in this sense, its because maybe he wants it to be. maybe the guy had second thoughts. maybe hes too ashamed to be found, and identified. suddenly, i m not that crazy after all, am i? a man with no identification, who is on his way to kill himself, isnt readily found, because again, hes looking to distance himself from his acts. ill get to the nitty gritty here....

my best guess is the body should be discovered within the next 36 hours [i'd wager by dusk saturday night]. i wouldnt be surprised if its a volunteer, or some passer-by that finds him. id suspect that he will be with in 15 feet from a trafficked area, and probably not much more than 1,000 yards from a viable, accessible area [read: a church, a school, street lighted residential district]. i doubt, very much, that hes found near a largely populated area... no hospitals, not near the university, no shopping malls. im also going to take a guess [though i wont know for certain] that when the ballistics are run, the body will have been facing out wards from cover, and would likely to have been seen within that 15 foot area, should someone be in the right place at that right moment. although the man was deeply convicted, suffers from guilt, the gunshot will be central, or 40 degrees from center of the forehead, from the right side of the body. there will not be second note with the body.

how in the name of the Lord, can i come up with this? well... crime data supports most of me here on locations. positioning of the body is due to his nature as a person. while he is eluding people, he is going to be on the watch for them as well, probably up to the final moments. the shot will be to the head, because everything else here is justifying a mentally preserved state... hes tying up loose ends, hes looking to disappear, and hes thought this over. that, and statistically men shoot to the head, women are more prone to the body in circumstances. also, he probably wont find a good way to wrap a long arm to his stomach or upper chest, hence the angle to the head. the 1,000 yard shot is a crap shoot. why? my hunch is here that he doesn't have far to get to now, and the mental conflict wants him to preserve himself as long as possible, until he chooses the mark. that being said, he will avoid populous areas; that leaves too much behind, leaves him infamous. hes looking at namelessness, as if he can absolve himself and his family from what happened by doing it this way. the 1,000 yards to a church, or a school... id guess he either has some religious ties, so he goes near a church or worship area [but not his own!], or goes toward a school [ties of comfort, memories of youth and innocence]. my last shot at it is the residential area; because that affords him a last look at humanity in general. maybe he makes a plea for himself at the end, or maybe it sets him off looking at it. the 15 feet rule is because he cant get far. besides, hes not hiding. hes going to kill himself. hes looking for privacy thats opportune, not perpetual. he has not picked out the exact position, but i wouldnt be surprised if he is familiar with the area.

i could be totally wrong. hope i am.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Shackler's Revenge... Whatever The Hell That Means

Here again, I'd post the video/music that was leaked [so far the only OTHER place I've found this was on Youtube, which I put up yesterday, and was promptly quashed over night Sunday], but it wouldn't do me a lot of good... this song is stuck in my brain. Its the new GnR. Its not Appetite For Destruction. Its nowhere near the Illusions albums... but I dig it. So far, its ... very modern. Its very different than the other big leaks in terms of style. This song doesn't even sound like the 4 new ones they have played live... its edgy. It has this disco beat. It has odd noodling distorted guitars. Its Axl, but obviously through a synthesizer with odd effects on his voice. But its the lyrics that I [alone] love.

"I've got a funny feeling there's something wrong today
I've got a funny feeling and it won't go away

I've got an itchy finger and there'll be hell to pay
I'm gonna pull the trigger and blow them all away

Don't ever try to tell me how much you care for me
Don't ever try to tell me how you were there for me

I don't believe there's a reason (I hope you see this)
I don't believe there's a reason (I don't regret this)

I've got a wicked demon inside that never fades
I've got an empty feeling I won't be home today

I don't believe there's a reason (I hope you see this)
I don't believe there's a reason (I don't regret this)
I don't believe there's a reason (I hope you see this)
I don't believe there's a reason (I don't regret this)"


It hits me pretty hard. For whatever reason, these things agree with me or don't. Axl's words usually do. This one really does. Its a song I'd probably write. That is if I had talent. Its the same message. The same feeling. Almost like; if certain people heard this song, they would know where the lyrics came from; like that some of these phrases are snippets of conversations or emotions strong enough people would know who they are directed at just by hearing it. I hope so. Thats why I'm getting out of it. Dammit he is right. I wish I could say things like this, so truthfully, so succinct, so brashly.

"Don't ever try to tell me how much you care for me, don't ever try to tell me how you were there for me" thats good. I wish I could say that. I wish people would understand that. I wish, if this is how he does this, that I could say things and people would get a clue like I did. How people abuse you, how they steal from you, and how to them it all seems like nothing. How they try to convince you of thoughts or feelings that are empty, for the point of keeping up appearances. God dammit that hits home to me.Like it was innocent. Like it never happened. When it was far from that. I wish I could put those words out there to bounce them off some blank faces.

"I've got an empty feeling I won't be home today" which is especially haunting. Lots of reasons. But I love that line. Great song.

] going back to listening [

-- out ---

S.