so its been almost two months. i dont have reasons, just excuses people. im lazy. its been a bit stressful. im feeling my mortality of late. and then there is...

. my grandmother. we made the move this week. we, somewhat, against her will, decided to move her in to a "retirement community". she wont hear of anything to do with a nursing home. but it was time. we think we've noticed her slipping mentally on somethings more than we are comfortable about; but more importantly, she cant take care of the house she was in. shes been there for 40 years. naturally, its going to take a delicate line to make that decision. but honestly, between my parents and i, we take care of everything at that place. she doesn't drive any more, and her mobility is somewhat hampered, but at 88 whose isnt? so we did it on tuesday. we loaded it all up and moved it for her. it was alot. a hell of alot. but, its 40 years of accumulation in a 2 bedroom house, with a full basement, and a garage, used by one person. were still doing car loads of things everyday it seems like, but its 90% done. today i spent the afternoon shampooing carpets and wiping down walls and ceilings. its humbling. this is the only place i know my grandmother ever being at. this IS grandma's house. just not anymore. its not a huge deal to me; my mother should have a harder time with it; but i think we all realize this is for the better. the house is in great shape, in a quiet neighborhood, and now that shes in a place where shes comfortable and happy and around alot of her friends, this is the thing to do. so. there is that.

. there is also work. last week was bad. stress has been building up behind my eyes about that place, and how everyone just leaves everything for me to deal with. i get no lee-way on anything. little to no authority, except on my weekends. and most importantly, i get no respect. then one person complains loudly about me. to the wrong people. it kept getting dragged on further and further, until they pulled me in before i went home and busted me with a week long suspension. unpaid of course. am i comfortable talking about it? no. not knowing that place. but i was ok with it. yeah, loosing the money is going to hurt. but long-term, the week off was nice. i needed to get out of there. they need to see what goes on if im not there, and maybe i get that ounce of respect when i go back in tomorrow. maybe not. it probably was a jam-job to rip me for that. everyone has been calling and emailing me from there checking in on me, telling me how it was lame, but deep down, thats how they want it to go down. i appreciate everyone's calls and pokes and such. im down. im not out. besides, i spent the week sending out resume's and applying elsewhere. so who benefits from this more? heh. me. maybe not. its a black mark. i dont care for it. ive never had that happen before. and yeah, i really felt jammed up on this, and that its not fair. but thats it. starting tomorrow, were past it. i hope. so there is also that.

. and that sense of mortality. ive had to sit through a pair of weddings in the past month. im burnt out on being the single guy. im putting it out there. i tried my ass off for about 2 months to find a date to anything, and got nothing. now its onto the baby round. seems like 304 people are pregnant right now, so thats the next stage. as much as i might have whined about it over the years. i feel my mortality. i know ive got maaaaybe 20 descent years left in me. with the history of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer in my family, i should tell myself, "ive got all the time in the world" because i dont. im sticking to my thoughts from about a year ago though, for anyone keeping score: im pretty well done with women. i dont have alot else to gain anymore. i dont really care about bringing home a different girl each [or several times per] night. i do, at times, feel like i left my best chances in my past, but i did about everything anyone could to make something work. im not troubled by it now. i just want to move on. get something done. do something for myself next. make money. get an important job. do something important or gain some 30 second notoriety for something i do right. then kick back and kick out to people. do things for people. but i want to prove to myself i can do something. that im not this single digit strike out at most of everything i tried. so far, its relationships, children, income, and career that are all strike outs. so there was also that on my mind.

. and it all kind of sums to nothing in the end. just alot of empty thoughts that rattle around. its just alot on my mind, and hopefully, people realize, its something i handle privately. i dont make phone calls about it. i dont talk to people about it. i dont make excuses. i dont want to hear about my own self and issues. but i know some of you are interested in it. so, i knew i was 60 days over due. so im back.