i woke up this morning, with some kind of fixation on this thought.... not that it was a dream... just with the idea of being left to freeze to death.... and for some reason, at the hand of my friends... and it all kept playing out like this to me.


i open my eyes, to find myself sitting, huddled, on the ground. at first, all i noticed was the near blinding snow, that was stinging my eyes. then i felt the cold. i felt colder than id ever been before. as if ice water was poured over me, but wouldnt run off. i reach my arms up to my shoulders to huddle up, and i notice that i have no sleeves. no gloves. no shirt. no pants. no shoes. im completely naked, and im sitting on a patch of ice. the cold is all i feel. the wind gusts and rips through my hair, blowing more ice and snow particles to my eyes. i try not to cry, but i cant help it. but i feel the tears harden and crystalize before they fall from my lower eye lid. i can feel the tears expand and solidify, cutting into my skin. as i breathe in, it burns my lungs. the cold air sears its way into my nose and mouth, shocking my body into taking in half the amount of air it wants to. i can feel my nasal passages freezing. the cold is all i can feel. for the first time, i open my eyes, and look around. i had to have come from somewhere. about 30 feet away, i see faces. people i know. friends. maybe more. all of them are watching me. every one is dressed warmly. they all seem to be comfortable. but im shivering. shuddering against the wind each time it picks up and blows into my pores. my fingers to my wrists are numb. painfully numb. with work i move them from the first joint, but no farther. my legs from my knees down wont respond. and they all stand by. each holds an article of clothing. my clothing. all of them stare. they look. but they say nothing. they watch me, as im freezing to death, stripped of everything i had to clothe myself with against the world. i look at their eyes. i look hard. i try to open my mouth, to plead... to beg for what was mine. but my lips rip and bleed. they had frozen together. i can feel the blood seep down to my chin where it freezes. and they watch. i try to scream. but i cant keep enough air in my lungs. its too cold out. and my body is doing all it can to keep from freezing. it prevents me from taking in more cold air. and i watch as my skin has turned to white-blue in places. i look at them. there are no tears for me. no one moves to me. and some turn their backs and walk away. i just want to scream, WHY? WHY? but its clear, im being left to die. thats the only thought that pushes out the cold. that this is how i will die. alone. stripped bare. left to the elements. and watched. this is how im going to die. the cold is nearly paralyzing me. i cant fight it. i cant move. my vision is blury. my eyes cant stay moist. my arms are useless, and my hands have frozen over my elbows. there is no feeling left. just the cold. i let my head go down. afraid to look anymore at myself, and ashamed to look at these people. the agony of dying alone... of freezing to death as a spectacle at the hands of the people you trust and called friends... i cant watch it. i would cry for myself, because someone should. but no one around me will. they just look at me. as a rock. as a lifeless chunk, slowly turning to ice. i feel sharp stings in my back. i cant life my head, its become too hard to move. but i can turn it some and look side ways to see someome behind me. somehow, i can see what i can not actually see. they take small barbs, that are heated and push them into my skin, then pull them out. its torture. because i cant feel the touch of the sharp edges... but the heat burns my skin and nerves and produces the pain sensation for me. i can feel what they are doing. until they pull and rip them out. each takes their chunk of me. ripping and tearing me apart in small inch sections. watching the skin crack. seeing it flake apart. feeling the chilled blood ooze out to freeze in the tears. i can only close my eyes now. taking my last shallow breaths, i remember each of their faces. each one. each persons look. their eye color. the shape of their nose. the hint of freckles. the mole. that scar. that smile. this hair color. all of it. and somehow i can see them walk off, without seeing them. theyve left me now. and i am alone, left for dead.

so another post about nonsense i guess. all in all, life is settling into a groove again. maybe a rut. but i doubt its deep enough to be a rut. to put any wandering minds to rest; they have me working 6 days a week. generally the shitty hours no one else takes. i tend to be the only person out of the shift that sticks around to deal with customers. everyone else runs off. sometimes i find them upstairs, sometimes out back, sometimes i have to page them on the store pa several times to find out where they go to. i think for the most part im getting comfortable with what i do. but atleast once per day someone comes in asking for something just totally off the wall, or just complains about how they dont like me. ive also found the employees to be rather clique-ish. im not really accepted among 90% of them. and i guess, its just hard to remember what that feeling was like; because its just been so long since ive been dumped into a situation like that. the copier gig never really let me deal with anyone but customers. at staples, after about 2 weeks id made friends with a couple people that broke me over with the whole store. at the res hall goverments, i knew everyone. i guess id have to go back to working at the newspaper or the craft store for that "we dont like you new-hire" attitude. but really, even at the newspaper, i didnt have that. once i was accepted by 2 people thats all that mattered. the other people really werent high-functioners that i dealt with. remember.... this is the place that hired a girl with mental disabilities and carried a cabbage patch doll to work; and had the two rednecks that argued one day over who's mother taught whom better to survive in the wilderness. shudder. such a dirty place. so maybe in a way its like that time. i really worked there because i had no other choices; and because it was 3rd shift and allow me to beatup on myself a little when no one else was really around. in this respect, its somewhat the same, and somewhat the opposite. this time im constantly around people. i just never get to be around the people i want to be around. and i beat myself up worse than ever. unloading 300 pound cabinets, or 500 pound whirlpools for people. its all pretty much the same day, over and over. thats where that rut part comes in i guess. i work. i get a 20 minute lunch. i eat the same thing for lunch. i go back to work. after that, i go home. my parents are usually asleep. i sit and stare at the computer for a couple minutes. then try to sleep. and thats about it. its not what i expected to happen to my life. and not at this price, either.

i guess i envisioned myself doing it for more money. the same boredom. the same general disatisfaction. the same sense of expecting to have more than i do. but maybe bumped up a notch. from down here, none of it seem so nice to think about. if anything, its depressing to think about it more than i should. i guess, that maybe its the universe balancing out. the karmatic process of leveling out for me. for several years, i guess i had lots of excitement, and chances for lots more. so maybe now, as penalty, i dont get any chances. i become hapless. not helpless. but not far from it.