Thursday, April 20, 2006

since people always like it when i do this... so starting just after midnight... i knew today was going to be fucked up. the past few days ive been getting sicker and sicker... by brother was nice enough to come home and spread ebola/hanta/mumps/whatever, hacking and weezing all over. although my mom swears i cant have what he has... because its affecting me worse.....

12:15. im sick. i cant breathe. my throat is on fire. my neck is so swollen its not comfortable to put my head down. and then the vomit hits. its not that id been nauseous. its all the mucus and shit draining that did it. regardless. it came up.

2:22. cant sleep. im alternating chills and fever. this time its fever, so i get up to get some cold wash cloths, and find myself unable to fall asleep again.

3:15. hacking and coughing up yellow shit so loud, that the dog comes downstairs. still not a peep from parents. i make it back to the bathroom in enough time to barf up more mucus.

3:45. i sit in my desk char, wrap up with a blanket, and just try to stay comfortable as possible.

5:10 alarm goes off. i managed about an hour of sleep. and now i get to go to work.

5:32 after coming out of the shower i realize i have no matching socks, only bright red boxers, dirty pants and dirty shirts to wear. fucking fantastic. i hack up something brown in glee.

5:40 they are watching stupid fucking Today show. i HATE the Today show. i also realize there isnt any good cereal left to eat. only oat bran shit. fucking disgusting. i look for soup, strain the noodles out and eat it instead. besides, noodles will just be ammunition they way im feeling.

5:55 no ice cubes. someone ahem. took the last in their 215 cans of soda per day consumption; so there isnt any for my waterbottle. i get warm water to drink today. i make some comment about. im told my brother is sick, that i should lay off it. i cough so hard i have to sit down. its insisted that im faking it.

6:01 get in the car. atleast dave and darren are funny this morning. eventhough my head hurts so bad i cant keep the volume up enough to hear it.

6:10 somewhere downtown davenport, a random sneeze... i blow yellow and brown shit all over my window. fucking great.

6:30 lane closures on the I-74. some stupid ass lawn truck lost shit off the back. sitting in traffic, about 3 miles backed up, i wonder why the snot isnt dry on the window yet

6:48 i get to walmart in moline, hopefully with enough time to buy some dope. they dont sell much in heroin strength. so i get fist fucked for 4.76 on a bottle of throat spray and 3 dollars for a bag of ass flavored cough drops. aww fuck it. i open the bag and start munching on some on my way.

6:51 get in line to check out. as usual. walmart only can afford 3 people who are smart enough to handle cash. walmart somehow can attract 65 customers at that point in the day. all of which seem to be beating their children.

6:58 three back in line, i sneeze again. so hard that i cant see straight. im lucky i have tissue to catch it. which is layered in green, brown, and now chimpanzee's hemroid red. at first it scared me. then i realize it was a hunk of cough drop that came out in it. some brats stare at me. i like the cough drop back off the tissue and keep waiting. the brats shriek. the mother of brats decides i can got first.

7:06 late to work. no one says shit. i tell my boss im late. he shruggs. i tell him im sick. he shruggs. i tell him i forgot what a water heater does. he shruggs. i vomit most of a lamb spleen on his desk. he shruggs.

7:38 after not seeing a single customer with 5 teeth, clean shoes, or 3 brain cells to waste my time on, i disappear to find something to drink. at the water fountain i stop to release something green and red. im pleased at the consistency.

8:14 ive been standing around putting away the same 6 pieces of copper pipe for about a half hour before anyone notices. and then its my boss... "when you get done putting that pipe out, could you help this guy in faucets"

8:16 1 brain cell, 1.5 teeth, 2 muddy shoes. he wants a facuet in a bag. its 8 dollars. he reminds its for a mobile home. i interject that its a trailer. and this faucet is junk. he thinks it looks nice. he has no real questions. he wants a friend. i cough several times. a deep healthy coal miner's cough. he mentions i should probably go see "dat dem dere doctors" hes obviously the brightest mind ive encountered so far.

8:25 some asshat wants a sump pump pit. he doesnt trust computers. he makes me walk to the other end of the store, out into the yard, and out in the back corner to find them and see that one is clean and nice. i hack something up in a tissue, smile and walk outside.

8:27 while walking around the yard, i stop to gawk at the receiving chick. normally this is a job done by men. shes built. but she shaves her legs. im at a loss for words. she stops and looks at me in some kind of "whaddus maddah wit you" looks. i spit out a massive green gob. she nods then goes back to lifting 50 pound cinder blocks.

8:36 i find the damn sump pits. clean one off, so i can lie and say it was clean, then head back in. as i walk away, i swear i hear someone blaring old school anthrax. something off Fist Full of Metal. i realize for the first time my head doesnt hurt today. then some fag comes flying past me in a forklift, and just chucks a pallet of galvenized pipe. that makes the head hurt.

9:10 i decide im taking a break. im not scheduled till much later. but all these coughdrops made me hungry. and the garbage in the vending machine would probably taste like snot anyhow. as im sitting there eating egg salad on rye, which tastes like thickened snot; i watch Lacey cashier. shes possibly the hottest girl in the store. shes the kind that tans all the time. dark hair. atleast C's. and she knows it. she already told me that i was creepy. that might be. but i cant even taste how awful this egg salad is. life could be worse.

9:28 i punch back in late again, to find my boss shrugging to some customer. he hands me the phone. now im responsible for shit. i eat more coughdrops.

9:29 phone rings. some cashier cant figure out if this pipe is copper or iron. i remind her that iron pipe is painted black. copper, looks like a penny.

9:20 phone rings. some one in wall coverings says a "guest" wants help in selecting a plunger. im baffled why hed look in the wall paper aisles for that. the employee doesnt think its such a stetch.

9:22 old man with oxygen tank wants help picking out a toilet plunger. we have 3 kinds. one is all plastic. one has a wood handle and rubber cup. and the third is the same as the second, just half the size. he mentions to me that turds dont flush, and he feels that its a conspiracy from those democrats to save the environment to save water and drown us in turds. i laugh. i want to ask if he just poops too much. but i realize my nose is running down my face.

9:25 i give the phone back to my boss. he shruggs. then i wipe my nose. he reccomends that i should see a doctor. i remind him they dont offer me medical insurance, and they dont pay me enough to afford a doctors office visit at full price. he shruggs. i remind him its probably just AIDS anyhow. he shruggs.

9:58 i manage to walk around a while unnoticed, until someone wants me to shop for them, from a list of 60 parts. he clearly has no idea what hes doing. i ask. he says its all standard parts; "you know its a standard house". that makes all the difference. for shits i ask him, "is it a two car garage or three?" he says 2. so i get him fitting in 1.5 inch sizes. its all a guess anyhow.

10:25 with our list complete he leaves, and some massive woman comes up to me. who smells like open ass. she asks me if the handicap booster seats for toilets support more than 350 pounds. im amazed at the question. in the worst way i want to tell her to take a dump in the bathtub instead, it would be safer. but i sneeze instead.

10:31 i go back to the desk. my boss looks at me. i remind him im sick. he shruggs. i stand there for a while.

10:36 i decide im going to build a grill. so i start opening a box. preferably the most complex looking one i can find. this way i can sit down and look busy.

10:50 my grill is coming along nicely, when some mexican wants help finding a natural gas line. "mas... mas lonquer?" thats the only english he gives me. "mas lonquer" i remind him that 60 inch is the longest we have. "mas lonquer" no. "mas... mas...." no, no mas. "lonquer?" no, god dammit.... Es mas corto, NO ES MAS LARGO. he gets that. but i dont get how i remembered any spanish.

10:56 mexican with gas line comes back, smiling. he has duck tape, and two packages of gas line. i stop him and try my best to explain how thats not a great idea. he seems to have it planned out. i shake my head. hes not detered. i make the international symbol for explosion and say BOOM!. he gets it. and puts them back.

11:12 my gril is done. it looks odd. i realized its electric. its stainless steel and kind of resembles R2D2 with an I-beam in his ass. its 150 dollars.

11:15 i declare im bored. boss shruggs. i sneeze, get light headed. and boss looks at me.

11:20 boss finally tells me to put away some freight. its cleaning supplies. its in the aisle.

11:22 as i start to put away the stuff, i realize its liquid bleach. why does a hardware store carry liquid bleach. some customer nags at me. i turn around and bring a jug down to my side.

11:23 customer keeps complaining about how they think 5mil trash bags are too thick, but 3mil are too thin, and why we dont carry a 4mil. i smell bleach.

11:24 customer leaves, i realize the bottle leaks. i realize the leak was stopped. i realize the stoppage was my pants. a nice white-blue streak running down my leg.

11:30 after using the bathroom sink to try and dilute the bleach, i realize i now have discolorations in these pants. if im lucky i wont have holes. i wonder why the shit couldnt leak on the floor or something less important. but the smell of bleach is making me dizzy. i sit down on a toilet and shut the stall door.

11:45 i cough up a couple things, then decide to go back out. on the way i pass the checkout lines. the old man with the oxygen tank is returning the plunger. its wrapped in a bag. he looks proud of himself. i hope that...

11:46 i get to the desk in time to catch the ringing phone. the cashier want me to take back a plunger. "it looks wet"

11:48 i eat more cough drops in anticpation.

11:49 mystified casher comes briskly walking back carrying a plunger in a bag. she sets it on the ground and leaves. sure enough its wet. i realize that pulling a fast on the elderly may be harder than we think. take that environmentalist wackos.

12:01 some one runs a cart into a pallet of sprinkler parts. i look at it for a while.

12:15 i decide i need to get something to drink, so i head to the back. i realize that i havent coughed anything up lately. when i get to the receiving door, i can smell the trash in the dumpster. i promptly spit something brown out.

12:17 chick from receiving walks over and looks at me. she asks if im new. i say "sorta" she asks how i think the nfl draft will turn out. i laugh. i tell her i think football is kind of gay. she ask what sports i like. i mention baseball, this time of year. after that she doesnt say anything. so i leave. sneezing once.... a nice misty cloud. no solid chunks!

12:20 i get back to the desk, my boss says i should take the rest of the day off. i agree. he shruggs. i punch out. blow my nose. and leave.

12:24 i get to the parking lot to see two things wrong with the jeep. first. my rear tire is almost completely flat. second the side window looks like a doberman flew over and shit on it. i dont say anything. just spit out something brown.

12:28 after cracking the spare out, and getting it jacked up. i remember something. dad didnt listen to me, and used the air wrench to put the lugs back on.

12:40 several nasty words, brown splotches galore, and red and sore hands later, i have the wheel off and changed. i get back in the jeep and look at the dried snot on the window. its disgusting. i roll it down to spit, and manage to make it right on my arm instead.

1:15 i pull into the drive way at home. go to find something to drink, realize someone has once again, drank all the cold soda. i get warm soda. its not like im sick. i look for food, find that the only food we have is crap my parents eat. i hate minnestrone soup. lean pockets are ass. and velveta cheese isnt very good. we have plain turkey for lunch meat. and only plain chips. gone are the days where i had GOOD lunch meat, and FLAVORED fucking doritos to eat.

1:17 i sit down at my computer, sniff, and remember the trash can of crap from the night before has been sitting there ranking around my room. whatever.

1:18 i lay down and try to sleep for an hour, before my "sick" brother comes home, coughing and hacking.

so far.... thats been it..