well i have to say... i really hate this job. not only was i forced to spend the day in greater Clinton, Iowa... which id never been in before... but i was also left on my own to do a proposal for a half way important customer... ive never done it on my own. and no one seemed to care. including the customer. who decided to come up with the "ill let you know, dont bother calling" i was pissed. driving around, trying not to get lost. it was fucking cold out. i decided to park, and just walk, rather than drive every couple blocks and get out.... so im out walking about 8 blocks from my car, when one nameless cpa [since his name is his business name, hint] decided to shove my business card back at me at the incredibly perfect angle to make it a saw blade. nor did he seem to care that it was a gushing paper cut. he was mad that i was bleeding in his "store" so freezing to death, walking down the street, thumb dripping blood, trying to find places to go to; i kinda realized how much i hate my life. my feet were never dry. these stupid dress shoes just leak like sandals. i felt like a 4 year old, that gets windburn from being outside, and its not even to the real portion of an iowa winter. and im standing on a street corner, hand bleeding, wet feet, cold, and generally hating what im doing. its just one of those things i used to read about where some epiphany besets the character.... or some major plot twist comes about... but im just standing on a street corner, of small, technologically defunct iowa town, with wet feet and a bloody thumb. sometimes i wonder what it would look like on paper. what kind of a hero has a story like this? who can say they are proud to be the person in my position? i stopped to sit on the bench outside of a bank somewhere on North 2nd street, and just wished i could be 3 years old again. the age where nothing ever sucks. nothing bad happens. everyday seems like your birthday. lately, ive been having about the same nightmare every day, and its this job. i thought to myself whats got to change... because i hate this job, and this way of doing it. i guess i could have sat thinking about it all day... but my mind kept wandering. to the frozen blood on my thumb, and my slowly numbing toes, to the life i want to have. and how none of this gets me anywhere. i made the mistake the other day at lunch of mentioning how i felt about myself... in my normal, tactful way, i said "and ive really become a great success. i live in my parents basement, i have this shitty job, really no friends, and i can honstely say i hate my life" im not looking for sympathy. im just looking for a way out. occasionally people would stop and look at me on the bench. it was snowing, and i was wearing a black coat in the middle of a slate grey scene. i watched the water from the mississippi river, just over the bluff, look as grey and as bottomless as id ever seen it. with all the ice chunks floating in it; it reminded me that its not choked entirely yet. not yet. there is still some movement... some parts that resist... but slowly, its all becoming the wasteland of the middle of winter. the frozen slate that ends everything for a season. i just wondered how long winter is going to last for me this year.. bloody thumbs, and cold feet are supposed to add up to something. for something. right? because thats how it would end in a book.... the waters would thaw. the sun could come out. and the hero would get to walk out into the quickening spring. the realism underlying it all, is that winter hasnt even truely set in for me yet. the winter that will be my discontent.

for all my baseball nerd bretheren out there... a little game of catch up...

just a few short weeks into the heavy traffic of the off season, the red sox are getting an F from me in the deals department...

the key players to deal with....

j. damon - still not signed or cut loose. still no trades or deals done to secure a "what the hell happens if" plan if he cant get re-signed... no lead off, no centerfield...

k. millar - atleast he understands hes not wanted back. this was good.

b. mueller - awful. sounds like boston never even gave him an offer... and he just signed with the dodgers this week...

j. olerud - appearantly retired. no fan fare. no official statements the man WITHOUT a thousands words is living up to it again. but no aquisitions have been made to replace him.

m. ramierez - he still wants out. still no deals pending.

we also have made 2 deals so far... picking up josh beckett and mikey lowell... and picking up some minor leaguer for letting go of renteria...

all in all... this is bad news. we have more players jumping ship than we have deals coming in. we lost the best farm system product we had, we let go of a gold glove shortstop to make our questionable infield downright disasterous... instead of just finding a first baseman and resigning a third; we now have downgraded at third, failed to sign a secondbaseman, and have huge holes with no promise at short and first. we dealt our back up catcher away, leaving us only 'Tek... we have only 3 outfielders... of which one wants out, and the other isnt signing up right away... and weve added a 4th spot rotation man, but have done nothing with our bullpen. this is not good. NOT GOOD. judging by the cash Toronto put up, we look like were content to slug it out with Baltimore for the second worst team in the division this year. even the yankees, who havent done much either, still look alot better on paper. this is not good.