Saturday, November 26, 2005






A Partial Guided Tour...

partial, only because its hard not to look suspicious running around taking pictures on my palm... using my camera would just look really silly... so.











this is my cube. i sit here. just not very often. see, i was told "yeah, well youll have a desk here in the office, but we just never want to see you in it" on my first day. charming. and about 2 days per week thats held up. i dont have alot of stuff. my craptastic computer, phone, stuff on how to use the phone, two pictures, maps, and random shit im working on. pretty boring.














a look to the left of me. more cubes. nothing much to see.














a look to the right of me. more cubes. nothing else much to see. just note all the shit sticking up. the document team tends to LIVE in their cubes it seems...














this is a coworkers desk in document sales... note. my space doesnt look like this at all...











this is behind me... my cube opens onto the main drag. so everyone comes by and looks at me while im working. i hate it. atleast i can turn around and see the windows, even if i cant see out them. random copier and shit for me to use.












this is another random desk... you could never tell we sell copiers huh? its pathetic.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

ManRam...

on the Red Sox offical site, i noticed a new piece of news... according to David Ortiz...

"Manny is not returning to Boston," Ortiz told The Associated Press. "Manny lives a difficult situation that only he and his family know about, and he does not want to play there."

the rest of the article didnt have much else to say about the reasoning why this was, nor any more information about what it is.... but from that one quote, id have to wager that Ortiz and Manny's family know something... not to suggest that he is... or that hes any less of a ballplayer... or that i want manny gone... because i sure as hell dont... i wonder out loud if it could be something like the gay card.

boston is a very talkative town, but its also a very catholic town. a very unchanging traditional sense of moralistic appearance. and drunken senators that drive women off bridges. however. this whole "his family knows" and how its some sort of secret... makes me wonder. Manny has mentioned he wants out of boston, something in florida or the west coast... how about miami or san fran? makes me wonder

Monday, November 21, 2005

so i want to write a long and windy post about whats going on in my head... i want to take alot of time to sort out what i think and what i feel and see if they are two different pictures.

but i have the feeling they are.

for along time, ive only wanted one thing; a meaningful semi permanent reciprocal relationship. and its just something i cant find. i cant find anyone that wants me. i cant find anyone that wants that. i cant find anyone that even wants to screw around with the idea of that and me. i cant find much at all.

and i say im stupid, because i am. im probably... no. i am the fucking stupidest person in the world, without reservation. i want something so bad, that will never happen, i hope that any chance is my chance. and im so stupid i just never want to realize that my chance is never going to happen. being stupid, i run out and try. i fucking try my hardest. i try so hard to have someone see me and take me serious. i try to be the exemplification of how id want to be treated. i try so hard to get anyone to like me, that im too stupid to realize... they never will.

i care about a girl. i desparately would like to see something happen with her. but. im very stupid. im so stupid that i guess ive never stopped to look at it as it is. she doesnt want anything to do with me. she never has. and i was just so stupid, that i kept telling myself, maybe. i kept giving myself some line of horseshit about how it could be different. or something about how it could happen. i was too stupid to look at the truth;

: no one wants someone like me :

sending flowers doesnt change that. being attentive cant help it. trying your god damndest to make something work, for once, with one person you are attracted to, doesnt mean you get anywhere. its just means youre stupid. youre fucking dumb. youre a joke. people laugh at you. people think youre an idiot because you keep bashing your head into that wall... over and over and over again.

i feel worthless. because i am. i am. i have to be. who the hell else could be as stupid as i am. who else would try to be something for someone that they damn well know cant ever amount to anything for anyone. its stupid. its stupid to try. its stupid to laugh. its stupid to want. its stupid to care. its stupid to desire. its stupid to need. its stupid to hope. its stupid to want someone to love. its stupid to believe in it all.

she didnt have to tell me anything. maybe i just had everything i needed to understand it along time ago. maybe i wasnt smart enough to get it, because i was busy being stupid. and while i will never rescind any thing i said about her, nor will i ever deny that anything ive thought about her. its stupid of me to think anyone cares about what i think. its pointless. its rejection that doesnt even need a reaction. its assumed. if i wasnt so stupid, i should have seen it.

i should have seen alot of things if i wasnt as stupid as i was. maybe the first time a girl made fun of me. maybe the first time i never got picked to be in the make-believe dance at recess. maybe the age when i realize everyone had 5th grade girlfriends writing them notes, except me. maybe when i got to junior high, and all my friends were going to dances and i had to sit bymyself. maybe when i got to high school and girls ditched me at homecoming as a prank. maybe when i thought that one girl was interested that went on to throw food at me. maybe when i felt like finally the hot girl in school was being nice to me as part of a prank they pulled. maybe when i had to ask 5 girls to prom to have everyone of them tell me no. maybe when i got out of highschool and tried to have a relationship with a girl that slept around. or maybe when i thought i knew it all who cried and screamed when she found out i wanted to do things. or the girl that took my heart, walked out on me and told me i was fucking piece of trash. or the one that smiles at me years later, that seemed so much like me that i never noticed her until almost a year later. maybe she was the girl that inspired me to finish school finally, or to want to make me fall in love again. maybe i should have learned something before it all got to this point.

but im much too stupid to have realized any of it. im much too stupid to have never stopped and thought that someone like her actually would have wanted anything to do with me. it was a stupid thought. by a pathetic person that clutches at straws to save himself. it feels stupid that im sitting here thinking about why someone is so perfect in my mind, who is so interesting, so fun to be around, ... its stupid to sit and think i might have had a chance. appearantly everyone but me knew this all along. but i kept trying. i kept wanting. i kept telling my heart and whispering every thing that i saw to her. it was stupid person doing what every girl always says she wants. its not very stupid to see she just didnt want me.

after all these years now. its stupid to believe anything else but the truth. that i was too stupid to give up. and now it sits and kills me for being so stupid.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

so i like totally met my soul mate at a frat kegger last night.... [and other rediculous things college girls believe]


. it was like, ... like... like... like.... like. you know?
they believe that the use of comparative interjections in similiee form, somehow give clarity when used without comparison. also. the repetition of such words appearantly is meant to give credibility to speech patterns when discussing events that could be perceived as mundane or false. example- Sooo like, you and Ashton, are you like together, or like, seeing each other, or what, because you are like the cutest couple that like anyones seen at the DG house, you know?

. pink ugg boots are soooo cute!
i dont know how. i just dont. but by tight rolling the jeans up over the tops of these ghastly footware, they some how arrive at a status position above other peers. these boots are made of sheepskin and wool fluffed inner boots, and can often be found on the feet of rich girls, and stupid environmentalists [see below]. although most brands are waterproofed, you will never see these in puddles. often worn at stark contrast to outfits, ie black mini skirt with neon pink ugg boots. or lime green top, blue jeans and powderblue ugg boots. again, the status positon in society is only achieved if others appearantly notice that you are wearning them.

. so i think its like, wrong to hurt an animal?
this is a classic misconception among the popularity based segement of the population. while there do infact, exist the rare breed of Collegius Hippo-Retrosian [known commonly as "crunches" or "that hippie chick"] most collegiate women who fall in to the "hurting animals is sad" vein, tend to do so with great maladaptation. often times they are lured to such social positions by curly haired dreamy boys, or similiarly gullible females. they often reject eating meat openly, but will eat it when not surrounded by the pack, or often will introduce beliefs infront of pack members or contesting males, which are unfouned by their own ethos. example- Sam and I were like talking about that the other day, and its totaly wrong to hurt animals we decided! Oh. So you fish? Fishing with my brothers used to be the funnest times! they are often seen wearing sheepskin boots, leather handbags, or in rare cases, hemp clothing.

. so i like totally met my soul mate at a frat kegger last night
this is a longstanding assumption of the modern college female. often times it can be adapted to fit situational dispostion slightly better, as in "i like met The Guy last night at the bar" or "when i was doing a bong with him, i totally felt that connection". as proposterous as it might seem, most college females typically do believe the odds of finding a mate increase while intoxicated or under the influence. sadly, the odds of this are not nearly as high as the college male's chances of finding a mate for the evening are. regardless. the belief professed in the supernatural draw of love and drugs seems to be a consistent feeling among the pack.