Scott's Vehicle. V.4.0
this is her, yet unnamed, with stickers removed and plates put on!
s
Friday, October 28, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
yes people, im lonely. get off my back. im not angry. im not suicidal. im fucking lonely. im tired of being single. i hate it. whenver i remind myself of being with someone, it makes me very mad to remember im not now. people take so much for granted in relationships. it seems like, someone like me who doesnt do that, who tries not to miss a beat; never gets the chance. im frustrated. obviously. im tired of getting NO as an answer to anything i ask, when the question is ME. im tired of marking No Guests on tickets and RSVPs. i hate getting looked at because i sit by myself at restaurants on the "date nights" of the week. i feel like im some sort of monster because no women call me or want to talk to me. why cant one girl take me seriously? why isnt there one attractive woman on the face of the earth thats interested in me? why is it that everyone always says, "its not so bad" but never trades places with me, or never bothers to help? how come everyone is so scared to talk to me. how come the only thing worse than talking to me [as a female] is trying to find someone who would be interested in me? how come you cant admit if you have any feelings for me or not? how come its such a sin to be seen with me in public, or have people know you are with me? when the hell does all of this become my turn to get some? to get a person? to get a date? to get a partner? when.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
...
i thought id expand on something. tonight i had a coversation with an ex-girlfriends current beau. and id have to say, id never done that. i think in the past when the opportunities always arose, id leave. avoid comments. just get out of there. i look at every failed relationship as that. a failure. i dont make a habbit of running into relationships for the hell of it, i try only to do it when i feel genuinely moved so. so naturaly, when something doesnt work out right, or you realize someone just doesnt share any feelings about you, its failure. maybe a failure in judgement, or communication, or in love iteself. its difficult to go back to a failure and do something with that. so i generally dont. i take my information when it happens and move. so going back to talk to ex's or their current's doesnt make alot of sense to me anymore. i could say alot of things. i could say nothing good, and just run with those feelings of rejection [since ive never once been able to break up with anyone that i felt attracted to], and see what street they run down. but i dont want to do that. i also dont want to come across as total pyscho and start talking a million good points about someone. i look at it and go, if someone never had a bad thing to say about an ex, why did they break up? so. with that point of view, i knowingly carry around a list of reasons in my head and on my soul that say, hey; heres why. so its difficult to be around people, or answer questions to currents. like when a boyfriend came up to me later on, and asked what fragrence my ex girlfriend wore; because he appearantly couldnt tell. it was hard to tell him what it was. its hard to think about what it smelled like. its hard to remember the times when i could smell it and feel like he does. not difficult to do it. painful to do it. hard to relive old experiences for someone else. tonight i had one of those conversations. and it was hard to come up with what to say. really hard. but in the same vein it felt good to talk. it felt good to be able to be useful. when someone asks for directions, its refreshing that you can give them the way. and maybe i dont do that. maybe i just say what the wrong roads are to take. besides. all i know is failure. i know how things dont work out right. i know, appearantly, very little about making someone happy. i know nothing about successful relationships. i have no clue what its like to have someone really be happy with me. so the correct road is one that has the elusive name that isnt on my map. and its hard to try to guide someone around where it should be, when, i guess, i have no clue where that is. and that, folks, is the feeling i have most of all. i find them. i do everything imagineable to make them see me, and like me, and want to be around me. but it fails. being me, fails. there isnt any duller way to state it. be plain. be in the wrong. i dont just run after girls. i get a feeling after talking and getting to know someone, and those rare couple times i get a feeling stronger than that. its failure. in the end, thats what it is. its an idea that i get, that i think i can do something, or end up somewhere with someone. but its a failure. because i cant get anything right. i cant make anyone like me, any more than i can make it rain. i cant make them decide to quit making the excuses to avoid me. i cant come up with a way to be special. i can be honest, open, trusting, and loyal. but its not in fashion. i can be strong, concerned, and motivated. but its not what they look for. i can be myself. and that gets the quickest answer of anything. failure. and its a narrow line to walk to consider yourself a failure about things. but, lying to myself, wouldnt make it any less true. just less obvious. for example, say i call a girl, i try to see her, i buy her things, i send her cutesy letters 3 times a week. if she finds 50 reasons to ignore me, not to see me, or be busy; what really have i got? ive got a lie i sleep on, that says Shes In To Me. what i really have is nothing. ive got myself setup allready to see my own self fail at what i want. which is nothing more than someone to want me. just me. and what happens when someone just cant ever get it done? there is a name for them. ... its difficult, more so each time, to try and set out for someone. i guess i realize thats the only way to do it. thats why i only go when i feel something. when im serious about what i want, i make a serious effort. one thats seriously not wanted by anyone. in fact the worst part of it all is getting told white lies. girl saying things to get me by, or to ditch me "nicely" when all they want is me to be gone. for good. when someone talks about being busy, then ends up out others. it hurts a bit. its not fair. its never fair to be the one thats pushed away. its not fair to be told no, because you are who you are. a very good friend of mine, while falling asleep on me late one night once told me, "you would be the perfect guy to be married to. but i could never date you, and i dont know how to be attracted to you" and that made sense after all these years. the only advice anyone has ever come up with, "theres other fish in the sea" appearantly people that fail alot, are supposed to be used to it. appearantly fishing is about never catching anything because there is always something else. i think fishing is about catching and keeping. but ive never liked it. because i never win. even if ive come to feel welcomed by it. its always gone in the end. and how many times do you spin the yarns about all of those fish that kept getting away, before someone realizes you just cant fish. it isnt one person. it isnt even all of them. its much more than that. its about being a failure. its about living as one. its about never getting a chance you know so deeply that you deserve. its about coming to the realization of how things were, not of how you want them to be. and its a difficult thing to talk about to someone who doesnt seem to have that in common with you. you talk about how you fail, for their success. someone has what you wanted, and now wants to take your help to keep her. its a system of being a cog but never a wheel. how can anyone ever understand what its like to be rejected by them, when they havent? so then i find myself typing about the one that didnt want me. and what do you say? do you put it honestly, do you risk a spin to someone that would never buy it? or do you just do what i did. and gave truth when i could, and tried to be happy when i wasnt. because ive learned that no matter what, no one cares about the one left over. the focus goes to that perfect couple. the two love birds. the stunning image of love in form. people like to forget about the ones that got in the way. and its ironic how sometimes the people in the way, dream at night about the ones that get away. how satisfying it would be to have and hold a person that you knew. inside and out. but it isnt that way. it isnt true what we dream, its true that we fall short. that we fail. again and again. and thats what keeps dreams as they are. just something we need to fall asleep to at night.
i thought id expand on something. tonight i had a coversation with an ex-girlfriends current beau. and id have to say, id never done that. i think in the past when the opportunities always arose, id leave. avoid comments. just get out of there. i look at every failed relationship as that. a failure. i dont make a habbit of running into relationships for the hell of it, i try only to do it when i feel genuinely moved so. so naturaly, when something doesnt work out right, or you realize someone just doesnt share any feelings about you, its failure. maybe a failure in judgement, or communication, or in love iteself. its difficult to go back to a failure and do something with that. so i generally dont. i take my information when it happens and move. so going back to talk to ex's or their current's doesnt make alot of sense to me anymore. i could say alot of things. i could say nothing good, and just run with those feelings of rejection [since ive never once been able to break up with anyone that i felt attracted to], and see what street they run down. but i dont want to do that. i also dont want to come across as total pyscho and start talking a million good points about someone. i look at it and go, if someone never had a bad thing to say about an ex, why did they break up? so. with that point of view, i knowingly carry around a list of reasons in my head and on my soul that say, hey; heres why. so its difficult to be around people, or answer questions to currents. like when a boyfriend came up to me later on, and asked what fragrence my ex girlfriend wore; because he appearantly couldnt tell. it was hard to tell him what it was. its hard to think about what it smelled like. its hard to remember the times when i could smell it and feel like he does. not difficult to do it. painful to do it. hard to relive old experiences for someone else. tonight i had one of those conversations. and it was hard to come up with what to say. really hard. but in the same vein it felt good to talk. it felt good to be able to be useful. when someone asks for directions, its refreshing that you can give them the way. and maybe i dont do that. maybe i just say what the wrong roads are to take. besides. all i know is failure. i know how things dont work out right. i know, appearantly, very little about making someone happy. i know nothing about successful relationships. i have no clue what its like to have someone really be happy with me. so the correct road is one that has the elusive name that isnt on my map. and its hard to try to guide someone around where it should be, when, i guess, i have no clue where that is. and that, folks, is the feeling i have most of all. i find them. i do everything imagineable to make them see me, and like me, and want to be around me. but it fails. being me, fails. there isnt any duller way to state it. be plain. be in the wrong. i dont just run after girls. i get a feeling after talking and getting to know someone, and those rare couple times i get a feeling stronger than that. its failure. in the end, thats what it is. its an idea that i get, that i think i can do something, or end up somewhere with someone. but its a failure. because i cant get anything right. i cant make anyone like me, any more than i can make it rain. i cant make them decide to quit making the excuses to avoid me. i cant come up with a way to be special. i can be honest, open, trusting, and loyal. but its not in fashion. i can be strong, concerned, and motivated. but its not what they look for. i can be myself. and that gets the quickest answer of anything. failure. and its a narrow line to walk to consider yourself a failure about things. but, lying to myself, wouldnt make it any less true. just less obvious. for example, say i call a girl, i try to see her, i buy her things, i send her cutesy letters 3 times a week. if she finds 50 reasons to ignore me, not to see me, or be busy; what really have i got? ive got a lie i sleep on, that says Shes In To Me. what i really have is nothing. ive got myself setup allready to see my own self fail at what i want. which is nothing more than someone to want me. just me. and what happens when someone just cant ever get it done? there is a name for them. ... its difficult, more so each time, to try and set out for someone. i guess i realize thats the only way to do it. thats why i only go when i feel something. when im serious about what i want, i make a serious effort. one thats seriously not wanted by anyone. in fact the worst part of it all is getting told white lies. girl saying things to get me by, or to ditch me "nicely" when all they want is me to be gone. for good. when someone talks about being busy, then ends up out others. it hurts a bit. its not fair. its never fair to be the one thats pushed away. its not fair to be told no, because you are who you are. a very good friend of mine, while falling asleep on me late one night once told me, "you would be the perfect guy to be married to. but i could never date you, and i dont know how to be attracted to you" and that made sense after all these years. the only advice anyone has ever come up with, "theres other fish in the sea" appearantly people that fail alot, are supposed to be used to it. appearantly fishing is about never catching anything because there is always something else. i think fishing is about catching and keeping. but ive never liked it. because i never win. even if ive come to feel welcomed by it. its always gone in the end. and how many times do you spin the yarns about all of those fish that kept getting away, before someone realizes you just cant fish. it isnt one person. it isnt even all of them. its much more than that. its about being a failure. its about living as one. its about never getting a chance you know so deeply that you deserve. its about coming to the realization of how things were, not of how you want them to be. and its a difficult thing to talk about to someone who doesnt seem to have that in common with you. you talk about how you fail, for their success. someone has what you wanted, and now wants to take your help to keep her. its a system of being a cog but never a wheel. how can anyone ever understand what its like to be rejected by them, when they havent? so then i find myself typing about the one that didnt want me. and what do you say? do you put it honestly, do you risk a spin to someone that would never buy it? or do you just do what i did. and gave truth when i could, and tried to be happy when i wasnt. because ive learned that no matter what, no one cares about the one left over. the focus goes to that perfect couple. the two love birds. the stunning image of love in form. people like to forget about the ones that got in the way. and its ironic how sometimes the people in the way, dream at night about the ones that get away. how satisfying it would be to have and hold a person that you knew. inside and out. but it isnt that way. it isnt true what we dream, its true that we fall short. that we fail. again and again. and thats what keeps dreams as they are. just something we need to fall asleep to at night.
Monday, October 24, 2005
well. on a light note first. the new God Forbid album, The Constitution of Treason, fucking shreds. i keep getting more and more impressed with them the more i hear them. good shit. the opening lead for the first track screams impending metal. love it.
heavier notes.
. im checking out cars. its hard. in the past three days ive looked at well over 200 cars. in a 30 mile area. ive got it somewhat narrowed down. and before anyone says much, im buying something used. im only looking to finance about 10 grand, the job just isnt paying me enough to do more and feel comfortable. but i need something steady that i can drop miles on. something with some cargo space, that looks professional still, that i can take one or two people in, with comfort. 4 wheel drive is something im not really willing to part with. because i want something i can take off road. i guess, i want to be able to do it. and with a sedan i just cant. so weve been scouring the area looking for stuff. im pretty convinced an suv is the way to go. gas mileage aside, it fits everything else.
. car insurance on something like that is a joke. on my current grand am, i pay about 375 a year, it would spring up to 1500 on a 2000 Grand Cherokee. yeeeeouch. i do get one good note, that it will drop down considerably when i turn 25 in a few weeks. something like half as much or so. i also have to have a rediculously high rate of coverage per work's requirement.
. cell phones in southern iowa are an abomination. it looks like verizon is going to be my best bet. cingular told me "we are striving to improve the quality of our network coverage in that region" but nothing very assuring of when. plus, i like the motorolla e815 phone. flip phone. good battery life. large buttons. bluetooth. sounds like a winner.
. living at home is getting better. but i feel like i want to break out in to charley sheens speach from Apoc. Now. about how every day in here i get weaker, and charley out squatting in the bush, gets stronger. its hard to feel like im much of an adult, rotting in my parents basement for shit pay. but i dont have a choice. i feel like a baby that i cant have friends over or have much of a life anymore. but i dont have a choice. food is free. no rent. no worries about if i can pay heating bills. i just dont have a choice not to.
. relationship wise. im a wreck. i honestly feel like im worse off than ive ever been. not only do i not have anyone, i dont have any probables, and i dont have any way to meet anyone else. its rough. right now, id really like to have a relationship. to have some kind of support. to have some kind of feel good. there just isnt any. no quarter to be given the army of the invader. i feel extremely close to someone, but am getting the impression that maybe all along, she never was in to me. just put up a good face for it. the truth is, who cares. i always knew how it would turn out.
. giving advice to other people is interesting now. its nice not to think much about myself and whats going on with me, but to indulge in other's. yet again, i have to reiterate that its quite a feeling to know everyone is moving on. marriages, kids, etc. its great. i really am happy for everyone. even for the current of an exgirlfriend, i just cant say how perfect it is that somene makes her happy. thats the kind of thing thats more important than i could ever be, that someone is happy in the end. truely happy. if it was me that did that, awesome, if its someone else, thats really awesome. i just know that i cant sit and be anything but happy for her. for both her's.
heavier notes.
. im checking out cars. its hard. in the past three days ive looked at well over 200 cars. in a 30 mile area. ive got it somewhat narrowed down. and before anyone says much, im buying something used. im only looking to finance about 10 grand, the job just isnt paying me enough to do more and feel comfortable. but i need something steady that i can drop miles on. something with some cargo space, that looks professional still, that i can take one or two people in, with comfort. 4 wheel drive is something im not really willing to part with. because i want something i can take off road. i guess, i want to be able to do it. and with a sedan i just cant. so weve been scouring the area looking for stuff. im pretty convinced an suv is the way to go. gas mileage aside, it fits everything else.
. car insurance on something like that is a joke. on my current grand am, i pay about 375 a year, it would spring up to 1500 on a 2000 Grand Cherokee. yeeeeouch. i do get one good note, that it will drop down considerably when i turn 25 in a few weeks. something like half as much or so. i also have to have a rediculously high rate of coverage per work's requirement.
. cell phones in southern iowa are an abomination. it looks like verizon is going to be my best bet. cingular told me "we are striving to improve the quality of our network coverage in that region" but nothing very assuring of when. plus, i like the motorolla e815 phone. flip phone. good battery life. large buttons. bluetooth. sounds like a winner.
. living at home is getting better. but i feel like i want to break out in to charley sheens speach from Apoc. Now. about how every day in here i get weaker, and charley out squatting in the bush, gets stronger. its hard to feel like im much of an adult, rotting in my parents basement for shit pay. but i dont have a choice. i feel like a baby that i cant have friends over or have much of a life anymore. but i dont have a choice. food is free. no rent. no worries about if i can pay heating bills. i just dont have a choice not to.
. relationship wise. im a wreck. i honestly feel like im worse off than ive ever been. not only do i not have anyone, i dont have any probables, and i dont have any way to meet anyone else. its rough. right now, id really like to have a relationship. to have some kind of support. to have some kind of feel good. there just isnt any. no quarter to be given the army of the invader. i feel extremely close to someone, but am getting the impression that maybe all along, she never was in to me. just put up a good face for it. the truth is, who cares. i always knew how it would turn out.
. giving advice to other people is interesting now. its nice not to think much about myself and whats going on with me, but to indulge in other's. yet again, i have to reiterate that its quite a feeling to know everyone is moving on. marriages, kids, etc. its great. i really am happy for everyone. even for the current of an exgirlfriend, i just cant say how perfect it is that somene makes her happy. thats the kind of thing thats more important than i could ever be, that someone is happy in the end. truely happy. if it was me that did that, awesome, if its someone else, thats really awesome. i just know that i cant sit and be anything but happy for her. for both her's.
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