Monday, August 22, 2005

i was going to write something. but once i sat down here. nothing really has come to mind. last few days havent been all that exciting really. well for the past week or so, it hasnt been that exciting. nothing new as a job development yet either. i have my 2nd interview with dixon wednesday. again. i want that job. but im still keeping my eye on any other potentials as well. so pretty much i do that. then a bunch of nothing once im done. i sped through the submission class from this summer all over again, i had to resend every assignment. so i took the time to read them and proof it and change some things as i went. pretty boring. reread the books again. still didnt make much sense. so today i made the trek to the library, thought id been missing reading a bit... haha. not with all that crap. so now im reading for fun, and i have to say i like that alot better than reading for class. this trip was mainly non-fiction. some biography on M. T. Cicero, and something about the war of 1812. oh. and faulkner. i picked up the sound and the fury, to read again. hadnt read it since late highschool. kind of forgotten what its all about anymore. still waiting on my other books that i had to order to appear. harry potter book 4. i feel like a kid reading it. sometimes its good, sometimes its not. my goal is to get caught up on those things to where the rest of the world is. they arent much of a challenge, and for 500 pages i blow through them in just under 4 hours. i also found them to be a bit humorous. the stories are kind of funny. i laugh at the funny parts. and i really laugh at the magic spells. most of the spoken components to the spells are broken latin. harry's use of "lumos" for light, and the root of the word they use in the charm spells comes from a verb to entice. so i like that. anyways. it got me on the subject of latin. i actually went looking for trouble in the library, found out all they have is a dusty shelf of dictionaries, and one ancient copy of Wheelock. no lexicons. nothing else. i was hoping to find maybe one book in latin to read. but nothing. the handlers in special collections had nothing that came to mind either, but they did think that the private catholic college might have something. so, if the joblessness and boredom persist, guess ill follow up on that. or i suppose, i could always just drive back up to iowa. atleast i know where i can find latin at. there is some on the net too. but id rather take it to a park and read, you know? but my july project finished. on the sly, i worked my way through all of De Bello Gallico. g.j. caesars self referenced accounts of his gaul campaigns before his return to rome. mark, bob, and heather would be proud of me for sticking through it. although i missed mark's random comments about Space Ghost as i read it... and im sure bob would tell me my grammar was totally off from what REAL romans would speak. heather would just cackle at me. ah. the things i already miss about school. lots of people, parents included, thought it was strange that i wanted to keep reading it after torturing myself for over 3 years on it. i did too. but. i want to keep reading it. poetry too. so im challenging myself to keep it up in the head. atleast whatever made it in there to begin with.

jobs made it back into my mind just now. im looking at a calendar, and realize i havent worked in a month now. this time last month, id already moved out too. i miss my life. old life i guess. my place in north liberty would have been so quiet on a day like today, with no school kids... windows open.. lots of breeze coming in. one of those days where id have gone to the res to walk trails. god forbid even take pictures. cant even remember the last time i go to go out and do that. isnt alot around here worth it. i dont think. its different for me though. i take pictures of things that i havent seen. ive seen most everything there is around here, at one point or another. when she came home, my mother and i were talking about other things i could go out and re-see while im doing nothing. i let it slip i cant stand being around here all the time. when i sit here 2 things happen. (1) i get depressed over job matters (2) i want to see people. i want to talk to people. i want to have dinner with my friends, or stomp around dirt walmart, or end up in my movie theater seat on saturday nights at 10pm in crapids, like ive always done. now im here. i dug out my computer from storage last week. hence my away messages are back ,and me being on alot. i got tired of borrowing time on my parents, and... lets face it. i could be here for longer time than i expected. its settling in now. ive only spent a couple days at friends houses. most nights im at my parents house. but. sometimes that makes it worse. thats when i fall into a rut. i feel bad but there isnt much i can do. im trying to make the most of having time off. guaranteed, that when i find a job, i wont get much time off for a long time to come. so today i slept in till 11. yes. 11. now. the scott of 5 years ago wouldnt be concerned. but the scott of the past couple would. 5:15 everyday, regardless. now. it was 11. i feel rested. i feel good. i thought about what else i could do.

im considering working out. thats going to shock some people too. just. i guess to get out and do something. keep my mind away from where it wants to slide. atleast if im beating myself up, like i did in highschool, i cant be near a keyboard or a phone to do any damage. i thought about runing. i think id kill myself though. it would be good. but i dont even know how my knee would hold out. speaking of places in the past, i can remember sitting in the exam room... iced and immobilized, looking at my knee. purple, 4 times its size, and so unsteady i couldnt put weight on it with crutches. i remember the orthopedist coming in with xrays saying surgery was it. the question was when to do it, if i wanted to keep up with that activity. now, i sit down on the porch. look at my spikes, with 7 year old diamond dirt still on them in my gear bag, and wonder what it would have been like if i never got hurt. maybe i could have played a game or two to get noticed. maybe i could have just played on the semi-pro teams in the area, no pay. just to play. just to be out. not sitting on the porch thinking about it. even if i wasnt good at all. just to be able to go out and play. i thought about going to the batting cage for an evening, just to get out and swing. i guess its like the alcoholic that remembers that last scotch. or the lifelong smoker who has that one spare pack, hidden in the back of a desk drawer. the urge to go back out to whats comfortable. to whats familiar.

four paragraphs later,im still wondering what it was i was going to write about in the first place. mm.. i dunno. my parents though, are having their 30th wedding anniversary. scary. 30 years seems like forever now a days. funniest part was, they were looking for a throw-back party, at a place that was open when they got married. theyve only come up with a couple restaurants that were open that long ago. eesh. and they arent that old. course, that game started. the game of, remember such and such? it was a different sort of dinenr conversation, remembering all the places in town that used to be one way 10, 20 years ago, that arent there... or are completely different now. pretty much anything down town davenport is a free-bee. i drove down there the other night. ill have to take a picture of it some night... but its not what i remember. the streets are the same, but thats it. makes me feel old, no wonder they had a hard time finding a place for dinner.