Saturday, July 30, 2005

Current Musical Selection: String Cheese Incident - various

well alot has happened in a few days since i last posted. people wanted to know more about what happened, who the girl was, and where the hell i am now... so in no particular order.

im homeless. kind of. my parents are letting me stay here for a while till i can get something figured out. its strange. i guess i appreciate having a place to go. but. i apprecaite living on my own just fine too. kind of loose that sense of independence and individuality without my own place. i dunno. its all pretty hard right now. i ended up in this position because of several factors. first the university screwed up on this last class i was needed to get my degree. then the loan payments just decided to hit me retroactively. lease was ending fast. couldnt find any other jobs to pay me enough to over that place plus expenses. so. i lost it all. quit staples. moved out. stored stuff. and here i sit. homeless. jobless. and quite frankly somewhat down on myself. knowing how my other friends have faired at this stage; it could take 6 months to find a descent job. im really looking for a specific dollar amount. and id take it at this point.

the story on the last post. well. it was sarah. i suppose ill spill my guts here. ive liked her for along time. but i didnt know. what to do, what to say, how to act. so i just kept it as friends. all the while, i knew it deep down. eventually all of the above shit happened, and something else, and i realized id be leaving. and i didnt want to leave someone like her. i guess thats when i figured out my own feelings that somewhere i stopped on the friend level, and wanted more than friends. the right thing to do is tell someone about that. and i couldnt do it. i was just too scared. which is just rediculous in retrospect. i was scared to tell her i cared about her. she and i talk about everything and anything. but i was too scared to tell her how i felt about her. so that whole previous post happened that night. a few days later we talked about it again, and about what happened. and its pretty much an in limbo thing. shes just too busy for a relationship. everything with me not knowing where i was going to be, probably didnt help matters either. and i respect that. i realize, at this point, im a pretty awful pick for anyone. jobless, homeless and all. however. she does care about me. i most definitely care about her. and nothing really is going to change. i told her id wait as long as wed have to for us to figure everything out. she is worth it. i could say alot of things why, but its private. thats stuff i tell her, and no one else. but i can say, that i just have that feeling. the feeling that you get steered to someone for all the right reasons. you make it through enough crap in your life, and at one point you just walk out of it, and here stands this one person. thats perfect. i had to do that. and shes had to do that. and shes beautiful. she interests me, shes compelling in a way that i want to be around her constantly, shes charming, intelligent, shes sweet, shes fun, she can finish my thoughts, and i can beat her to hers, and she makes me smile. even typing stupid crap like this, im sure i have some half-idiot grin. i really like her alot. i think there was only one other person id put before myself in my life before, and im doing it here again. but for the right reasons. and for the right person. and its funny when you have a quiet argument with someone like that; about some self sacrificial things to find time for the other person. i suppose i read into everything way too much. but she really is special to me. regardless of having a Title, she matters more to me now than any other girlfriend ever had. so. i see her when i can. we talk as much as scheduling allows. and i enjoy every second of it. i just, i hate to jinx anything. but i feel like there is alot of potential with her. i dont see a short term relationship between us. there is just too much of an understanding, too much in common, to say "whoops, my bad, why are we dating?" without details, there is a comfort level between us, that i know i havent had before, and im sure she hasnt really had before. i really look forward to seeing her, and talking with her. just sharing. whether its phonecalls before bed, or our millions of text messgaes during the day. there is just that, i dunno, emphatic weight behind it, that to me lets me know how exactly why im serious about her, and why i feel that thing at night was the best thing i ever did. romantic points aside. thats kind of the story about that.

job wise. ive got to get something going. ive lost count how many aps and calls ive sent out. easily in the 100 to 150 range now. still nothing. ive had a few interviews. one major interview with a fortune 500 company still to come. but i dunno how much id really like that job. pay is low. lots of work. long hours. but. its a job, right? Someone gave me that nudge the other night on the phone, that its a job, and i dont have to stay, just long enough to get something else going. shes right about that. ill see. ive been sending out stuff for sales positions. id rather get out of the retail hours if i can. staples didnt cough up a single opportunity for me. but funny enough, OfficeMax did. sigh. i dunno. sitting arond cold calling places to buy things, does not appeal to me. its pretty harsh to say, i feel like i can do better than that. according to the job market, i might not be able to. but im trying.