Current Musical Selection: Meatloaf - I'd Do Anything

well... its not that i forgot that i had this... just i havent had any kind of time in quite a long time to do much with it. sigh. its all very busy. too busy. filled with things that dont really matter. things that just frustrate me to no end. i try to tell myself at night, right as i take that last look at myself in the mirror, i try to say, "its going to be better in a few months" and im starting to have a hard time believing myself. schools going to be done. and then what? ill have no job. no place to live, less than 50 days after that point. truely, then what? i try not to think about it much. but it creeps in at night, when you bring the covers over your eyes sooo tight, that you think it might shut out the light of those dreams.... dreams that are bright with their dark thoughts. dreams about the rest of your life, with nothing. no direction. no place. and no one. and its then you realize you are suffocating... hiding under heavy covers. in the dark, all alone. and its just all a dream. and its only a few months away.

its all so depressing really. thinking about the future. it used to seem clear. predictable. possible. now its a subject id rather not finding myself thinking through. but its supposed to get better. thats how i lie to myself. thats how i have to project it. like cynicism. that just oozes out of me now. i suppose that its all really just one and the same. everything tied to everything else. and then again. its hard to be taken seriously when you take it on like i have lately. its hard to want to believe thats all my serious options are in life anymore though. which is worse? laughing at your odds; or your odds are just laughter? so i grew this way. and... sometimes. i wish for once.... i just pray...... that id get something i could take serious again. i wish i had inspiration. i wish i had desire. i wish i had committment. i wish i had it all. i wish i wasnt me. i wish i wouldnt do the things i do.. or that i would fall in the traps ive always set myself up for. i wish i could have paid attention or answered a question better... or maybe just smiled instead of saying something. or that someone else could have done that once or twice to me. hell. i wish alot of things were different right now.