Current Musical Selection: Dio - Last In Live [album]

well... lets see.. whats new... nothing really. another birthday came and went. i think 3 people knew it was my birthday... including my mother. my aunt also sent me a card. so. really only one person knew it was my birthday. and she didnt say anything to me until the next time she saw me.. which was 3 days later. but she was still cool enough to ask how it was. mind you, she is the only hot chick we have employed there, too. but what a life i lead. the best part was the manager-i-like-working-with didnt believe that it was my birthday. like someone would lie about that. ah so. so for my birthday i got to work an extra half shift. i didnt bother telling anyone what that day was. seemed like theyd just have to come up with some reason to justify fucking me over on that extra day of the year. well all this semester they get many more opportunities... thanks to the university, im screwed into taking this last class, at 9:30 am. three days per week. meaning my last semester here, i get to close 3 nights a week. then turn around and open the days following. fantastic huh? they broke that news to me the day after my birthday. it helps to blow out the candles when they knock the wind out of you like that.

so i got the usual from my parents [several people wanted to know what i got] socks. 5 pairs. 1 tie. 1 dress shirt that matches previously stated tie. troy on dvd. and dinner out. really not bad. no really junk to have to keep or find a use for. so all in all not bad. despite that i asked and got the heavy weight wool boot socks, so i could go out and about in the snow down the trails without freezing my toes off. but i work like every day, so i never get to go out. the shirt and tie are nice. but im not sure what ill ever wear them to. they arent my ideal interview attire colors; and i get company clothing for work. it would make nice date clothing. if only...

that being the point. i had to love myself some this year. ... heh. yeah that too. well i broke down and bought a nice 16x double layer dvd burner and an account at blockbuster online. so i get shit loads of movies to watch... which i generally fall asleep to at night. i thought alot about it, and i even visited the camera i want at university camera the day before my birthday. but shes out of my price league. that 1300 dollar sticker is gathering dust. i had a dream though. that i had one. it was the best dream ever. i dreamed i spent a month on the road in the southwest... doing nothing but taking pictures. just days of walking around some old mission style churches, cactus, and mining towns. and all i did was take pictures. no one to bitch at me. no one gave a shit where i was. i just got to do what i wanted. i dreamt that i slept outside at night. out under the stars in the desert. just the hills and sand around me, and the star filled night sky above me. and the visions and still frames of senioritas in my head. and it was a fucking fantastic dream. and i woke up. standing around at work. with some 500 pound woman, with breath of ass and catfood, demanding that i should not charge so much for 'her microsoft'. that dream was fucking great. but the reality is knowing that it wont happen. but i held it. the clerk let me snap a few frames with it. and it is the stuff of dreams. atleast for this odd little man. it was.

in the mean time i have to settle for signifficantly less fullfilling aspirations. like latin of the 4th semester. and focusing on persuading [from the latin verb, persuadeo, ] the hot girl at work to let me buy her lunch more often. it worked once. im glad too. i didnt know much about her. now i know more, but understand her signifficantly less. ... im kind of in the dark about it; but i know it happens. the young female phase of dating the wrong guy. the kick of being the victim in the end. my words, not hers. but her words called it as "i was deluding myself about him the entire time; and everyong i loved around me told me he was worthless, and i just would hear it" . and from that ill never understand why they do that. shes also 20. her reign of stupid shit is just starting. in the meantime the Prisim services rep wants me. shes 40. but id guess her to be early 30s. i only know becasue she told me she has a daughter that works at a store in ames. she wanted to set a date with me to do some reset. her words. ben was my witness to the aftermath. but she said to me "lets call this.. a date for us, shall we?" and she gave me some coy ass smile. its flattering. and probably a bit disturbing how things happen like that. i just consented to her id have to work the day she came to do the reset and left it. the blonde at the coffee shop in noth liberty still remembers me. she made me put in the new ribbon on her cash register. coffee was on the hosue for it though. some really hot blonde customer was just putty in my hands at work today. i kept getting the hair flip, the lip licking, and the suttle smiles, as well as the "is this the kind of paper you use?" tj about died watching it. i should have hit on her. i so should have. but i didnt feel right about it. so thats the last time i show any customers my photos. atleast my good ones. i felt guilty about having her buy 60 bucks in photo paper.... and being too chicken shit to ask for her number. sometimes even the image of myself selling shit scares me.

images of our self never are what we think. i went to the mens room later; and glanced in the mirror. and i hardly recognized myself. short beard. short hair. ugly ass shirt. its more metaphorical than anything. but i was looking at the image of myself that i wasnt familiar with. i did a double take. it was me. and it was surreal. and i closed my eyes and tried to remember to myself what i really do look like.

but life is pictures. dreams are images of the life we most want for our selves. i just dream that those pictures could be my life. snapshots from the hip. grainy. and stark. something dark. something obtuse. yet memorable. and i know my time passes away; when i realize those images that i dream about fade away from me in my own mind.


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