Current Musical Selection: Machine Head - Blank Generation

le sigh. i should be in bed. ive got to be back at the shithole bright and early tomorrow. to, you guessed right, deal with shit. they broke the news to me about how BTS works.. Back To School is like a death sentence for us employees. were going to do something obscene as a company; like stay open from 8am to 10pm M-Saturday, and be open 10am to 10pm on sunday. ON FUCKING SUNDAYS. i wasnt happy. especially considering i work more sundays than the other department heads combined. fucking goober kids. the store now smells like a giant crayon ball, wooden penicl, or stinky leather chair from china... depending where you are in the store. i should draw a map of the place for the smells. i know some of my friends would find it amusing. id make sure i put in the puke smells infested the recieving deck and stock area. i think some hobo vomitted up a blue whale into our dumpster. its just nasty. i went out there on monday morning at 7am to start doing destroy orders, and about passed out from the cloud. the pregnant manager about lost breakfast when she got to the doorway. after that neither of us have stopped smelling that reek. except when im in OS, then i smell cheap wax and cheap wooden pencils. gross. kinda like a closet at grandmas, without the mothball twainge. then closer to my part of the store you smell all the shitty cheap leather chairs that we got in from china. dorm ho's are gonna love red and blue vinyl shit this year! its even got sparkles in the crap. its nasty. corporate either thinks its beautiful, or it was so fucking cheap to buy they made themselves believe its beautiful. i hate the god damn chinese. i threw out a dvd rom manual the other day... should have kept it. ive never seen engrish that bad. double negatives were about as correct, grammatically speaking, as they got if that tells you something.

i guess im in a foul mood tonight. my elbow hurts like a son of fucker. i was on the phone and not paying much attention and hit the tile in the kitchen too fast in my socks. bam. ofcourse instead of letting me fall on my fat ass, i tried to flail around and grab something. thats where the elbow smashing in to the countertop enters. as well as the related pain. not only that, but i dumped an entire glass of water all over myself in the process. didnt loose the phone though.

you know. im pissed because i got my damn reunion card today. one of those happy horseshit "God we loosers you graduated with really miss high school, and really need to drink in public and talk about that" ..... i mean my class reunion at a bar. classy. 15 bucks for me to sit around them again. i know of a good dozen or so that have kids now. so add screaming brats in the mix. id say one in five is married. one in three is engaged. probably half and half of the rest will have someone in tow. the rest of us will be standing around alone all night. i guess after those kind of odds... my old friends and i will be standing around by ourselves again. two called me to say they were going. i havent made up my mind yet. its not something ive desired to attend. i dont miss high school. i dont have many friends there. and i sure as hell dont have anyone there that i want to see. five years hasnt been long enough after what i lived through. shit it took me 4 years to make it out. its like an excon getting off a 30 year stint, and asking him to come back the next weekend for prison softball games. it aint right. i feel like i dont have anything to go back and slam in peoples faces yet. i dont have kids. i dont have a wife. i dont have a potential wife. i dont even have a girl that i can talk to on the phone. im not even out of college. i dont like my job much. and im no where near getting into law like i wanted to be. i dont have a fancy car, an arrest record, or a presidential commendation to brag about. i guess im not going to be a great person to have there. i thought about calling christine and offering to have lunch with her that week before it. shes the class president. we were pretty good friends in school. but i havent seen her in over a year, when i was in cedar falls for macurh. i guess i could atleast let her know im alive. if she even cares. but again. i dont really feel all that inclined to do that either. i dont see much point in it really. its going to be three groups of people there. those that wish high school never ended. those that highschool was the biggest accomplishemnt they will ever see through. and that last group im in; thats eventually going to have real lives and move on and stop going to this kind of crap. i can see myself sitting on a bar stool, yelling over Nelly and warm drafts of natty lite about how i loathe college. someone will break out in high school stories. someone else will be interested in hearing about a college since they are now a mechanic at a jiffy lube or arent allowed to vote or own firearms anymore. im not going to like it. maybe ill even get pissed off enough to get drunk in my own little corner, and get vulgar about all the shit in my life from high school on. air out all the things i really thought about some of those popular girls that used to tell me i was cute, then run away laughing all day about it. or about how i think most of american populace is nothing but a lost herd of bovine, with no foresight, no memory, no balls and an utter lack of death certificates. i suppose i could brag about how much i cherish my job and co-workers. maybe i could just tell all about my fantastic love life, and how great it is to be unnattractive in a yet a different educational setting. i could brag how my car is the greatest production value engineering could muster 11 years ago. yeah ive got alot to look forward to at this thing.

i cant say im really happy with my life. not compared to what im going to have to put up with at this affair. maybe if i had something i was actually proud of, it would be bearable. but i dont. and its not going to be. instead ill have to see baby pictures. diamond rings of all sorts. public molestation and groping will frequent the dance floor. money being flashed around. someone will be driving a Benz. ill have to take home a pocket full of business cards with promises to keep in touch... and drop them a line if i need that mutual fund. ill get stories about the frat houses. ill get stories about who still fucks who from North. no one will recognize me. and theyll act as flakey as possible becasue they wont remember me. and if they do. they wont know what to say to me. theyere going to remember who i was and how they treated my like shit, and not know what to do when im there. i just dont like how this is adding up. like i said. if i had something that i liked about my life, i could work with that. but i dont. i hate my life. i hate being that ugly gross loser that every girl hopes doesnt try to talk to them. i hate having a fucking car that isnt worth my bank account balance. i work at a god damn dead end job where i stock shelves and sell warranties to people at 0% kick back. i listen to all that kind of music that i did back then, that everyone hated me for. i couldnt buy a date with a hooker without getting turned down. and im fucking conscious through it all. i fucking hate it. i feel like an idiot. we gave the retarded kids diplomas for highschool in 4 years. ..... and i cant even earn a college degree in 5 years.... and i qualified for Georgetown. i cant get a job that even pays me my fucking age in thousands of dollars. i get shit on by the general public at a job that doesnt amount to shit. and ive got nothing to come home to at the end of the night. no wife or fiance to hide by, or leave early with. not even a fucking pet to talk to. .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................




i dont know. i just .... i just wonder how i got here. i wonder when something is going to pick up for me for once. and i just get fucking angry. and frustrated. and i hate the thought of going back to high school. i hate the thought of having other people tell me im a loser, when i guess deep down i know i am one.

the sounds of love were all around me last night.

i tried to go to sleep early. honestly i did. but however much i might have tried to do it. the world wont let me. the sounds of love were all around me. thankfully, it wasnt the slut upstairs having screaming sex. no. this time it was the asshole beating up his girlfriend in the building 3 feet from mine. they started by talking. which i fell asleep hearing. then i woke up to hear WHY DO YOU KEEP OPENING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH LIKE A BITCH *slaping noise* then i hear her scream and cry. maybe its dirty talk. i slam my window shut. FUCK YOU THAT HURT, WERE FUCKING OVER. -WELL IT WAS OVER WHEN YOU STARTED FUCKING KEITH- various screams. continues oh ten more minutes. then i hear her screaming GET OFF ME, GET THE FUCK OFF ME. DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME. -ILL FUCKING SHOW YOU HOW TO SLEEP AROUND- several slapping noises. stuff hitting the walls. her screaming being muffled. so then i called the cops.

you know, the saddest thing has to go through my mind when i hear that. not that shes getting the shit kicked out of her. or that he should be in jail for it. but that how its just god damn unfair, that people like him end up with a woman. people like me dont. i understand that im not fully aware of what went on. nor can i necessarily justify him doing whatever it was that it sounded like he was doing. yet, its just not fair. while the 911 operator is trying to get me to explain where this is going on [shes hearing it through my phone as well], it just kept kicking me over and over again, how there just cant be alot of justice in this world. what have i ever done wrong? obviously its something. i cant even con a female in to talking to me or even having dinner with me; and this fratfag is knocking the crap out of some girl at 5 am. it just isnt right. that or i must be one bad hombre. i mean evil as hitler, and as pathetic as a Betamax. here i am in an empty house, bored off my mind, money to spare in a double wide bed. this guy comes home hammered, starts a scream fest with his neighbors around and ends up with the girl. probably a 30 sentence in county as well. but you get the picture.