Wednesday, April 21, 2004

hahahahahahahahah

slashdot has a hillarious post on what computer programers should earn..... the best part is about 6 posts down.. where some man complains about living off of 45 grand per year as a programmer... he mentions with a family that might not be enough.. ill give him that.. but the kicker.. "45k is probably plenty if you life in iowa or oklahoma or something like that"

hahahahahahahahahaha


its especially funny because its true.

why wont this semester just END... now preferably. even when it does, i dont have much to look forward to. im pretty burnt out on classes right now, but im going to turn around and take a 3 week class as soon as these are done. then. and only then. do i get a break from the crap. ugh. so tired of everything. everyday attendance. required homework. pointless lectures. worthless classmates that never do discussion. end. now. die. wretched courses. and courselike materials.

mom told me to keep telling myself that ive only got 3 classes. 3 freaking classes left now. 2 latin. 1 soc. soc will be done in 3 weeks after my semester ends. then 2 latin classes. 2. i have waited so long to be done with school. im really tired of the undergraduate system. the professors. the students. at this point id be happy just to work for a while. even if it is a crap job. school just infuriates me anymore. ill never earn squat with a bachelors degree. and ill earn even les without it. just 3 more classes. plus 3 weeks. 3 and 3. in fact. if i am prone to suicide. i could double up the latins. be out of here in december. but im not going to. i guess i need the pain. for some reason or another. 3 and 3. just 3 and 3 left to go.




so on onther, non whining thoughts. ...... ...... ...... .... .. .. . . . . .


the rain was beautiful today. i guess im a fucked up person, but i love it when it rains. nice gentle rain. constant deluge. honestly its the best time to walk around and think. or even not think. just walk around. everything stays so cool and crisp. and the constant sound of water is nice to hear. even if it soaks everything in your back pack. twice per day.

http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/3fb9b8b0_1848f/bc/6ba9/__sr_/dd3a.jpg?ph5SghAB2QblKNkK

pretty wet flowers.


3 and 3.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

ouch. yet another sign of getting older: attending peoples: 'i got a real job and have to move away' parties. thats the second one ive had to go to this year, and its only 4 months into it. kinda sad. its really good for jimmy though... that kid really needed to get a real job... he just can work at staples his whole life. yet on the other hand, hes made my job a bit easier. now ive lost the last person in the store that could halfway sell plans and do things. again, i stress, its good for him. it is necessary, and its proper for him to move on in this way. hes got a terrible situation with his roommates, so its a good time to get out while he can. but i feel sorry for the kid when all his friends fill two small tables at a bar. and half of them can leave in one car. so the crew from work, their girlfriends, and me; all sat around talking. i ended up talking with tj's girlfriend at the bar for over an hour. shes a cool person. alot different than the type of girl i was expecting tj to have. but like 10 minutes into it, i just get the impression that i dont see them staying together. again, shes not the kind of girl i expected him to have... shes much too home centered and... honestly just more marriage material than i think the guy wants. but thats something else i shouldnt tread far on to. instead, it was nice to talk to someone of the opposite sex. tj never noticed either.

other random thoughts.... im pretty well fed up with this semester and its classes. latin not as much as the rest, believe it or not. i actually enjoy some of it... despite being really bad at it. nevertheless, im not looking forward to the next couple to finish it out. soc i hate now. atleast albonettis class. with this awful paper. im still trying to figure out how specific i need to be on this rather ambiguous topic. its not working out well. and its due in a matter of hours at this point. great. plus the class in general i dont like. she focuses waaaaaay too much on the text. reading everything, analyzing and remembering everything. id like it much better from a basic philosophical sense. that or at the most minute micro level of impact on the individuals. this in between somewhat theoretical, somewhat scientific halfassing gets really abstract when it shouldnt, and becomes specific at the wrong times. cant wait for this class to be over.

lately i started writing again. usually on lunch breaks, or waiting to go punch in at work. just random snipets of stories and ideas.... nothing really too personal. nothing much about mylife. just ficticious stories that would be nice to elaborate on someday. when i do have the time. just in my mind, i can forsee a really good script coming out of a couple of these.... all kinda based off a dream i had the other night. no. not the one about the dog sex! it was one about war.. about being sent to war and having nothing much to come home to. how does a man fight in a war, in that state? does he go all out. does he stay cautious. is he ambitious. those kind of things. anyway, it just was one of those transport dreams... where you end up transported to some other time and place.... still being yourself.. just in unfamiliar territory. and i remember being in the country side, being attached to a unit that was moving out to reinforce an area the next morning. and i can remember hearing all the guys sit and talk about wives and girlfriends and how they are buying a house, or going to give her a ring when they get back. i can remember that i didnt have anything to say. but i just kept thinking about myself, and how id have none of that to do. id have no place to come back to. and the odds were, alot of these guys with plans, with lives, were going to end up dead the next day.... and if i would live.... how fair would that seem? to them. and to me. and after that i dont remember much else. just more of the principle of it all. of death and dying. of families and of legacy. so i found my self thinking about that the other morning before work. sitting in my car, watching all the families streaming into walmart on a bright saturday morning. thinking about how rewarding that would be to go back to. to walk into . to have. to have a place, to have some one, to have someones' that just wanted you back. i thought about iraq. i thought about how i talked late one night awhile ago with a certain person, about how if push came to shove, id go. how even if i might not agree, if my country asked, i would go. and she cried about that. i didnt think much about it at the time. now i guess i kind of am. i can see my mom being really angry with me if i did it. fighting wars is one thing, but not something her son should do. but then again, i guess once in a great while. fighting wars has to become everyones job. sometimes you cant play favorites when it comes down to it. people just have to do it. that doesnt make it fair though. and thats what i wrote about. how its not fair for one man to die that has everything ahead of him, and another to live that has nothing. sometimes i wonder about how id deal with a situation like that. who would i ever write sappy letters to... who would ever cry for me when left. whod ever want to rush up to the airport to see me home. its an intersting view, thats just stuck with me.

alot on my mind i guess. some of it i cant talk about. but saying that almost makes it worse, on the person that cant talk. you know? to walk around and think about whats going on, and wonder about it all... and never be able to say something. just to wonder how they will make it through. sometimes you just want to let it out, and you cant. it was said, and now it cant be. and it shouldnt be. i just wish it wouldnt matter to me. i wish i could have just said: wow, whatever i dont really care- but i cant do that. not something like that. just weights you down. deeper . and lower. everything changes in a heartbeat i suppose. lifetimes begin and end. all you get to take with you is those memories you had, and all the things you regret never doing. and im still on the latter it seems.