Current Musical Selection: Nirvana - Been A Son

so yet again, the leftist regieme is brought to light. prof albonetti decided it was appropriate to use 34 minutes of class time to begin shouting about how wrong it is that Justice Scalia has friends. namely vice president Cheney, as a friend. she harped on and on about how it demeans the integrity and autonomy of our justice system. i asked her if the OJ trial didnt do enough of that. then she got pissed. and continued the assault against the current administration, on political terms. no one else seemed to care. i felt obligated to respond to her. and in the best way possible. i just kept on laughing. i know ill never get a letter of rec from this woman; but laughing at her tirades wont bring back that privilige either... she then pointed at me and continued on about how right wing people decided the rules just to satisfy themselves. i responded she was much obliged to stay within the bounds of her proffessorship and remain out of political ingagements; and stick to the subject matter at hand. she bit her lip. then continued on about her wooooooonderful years of education at UW Madison. gah. double gah. strangely though, im not at all scared for myself. several kids looked at me pretty wided eyed about being pretty brash to her. its not that i disrespect her, its that shes disrespecting her responsibilities. this thing called the university frowns upon about 2 things total from its professors.... 1 swearing in the classroom. 2 making obscenely political stumps on student time. i guess off the clock they can do as they wish; but its not appropriate in the classroom. i wanted her to know that i know that. she sounded like an absolute lunatic to be honest. granted, she wanted me to be that lunatic. but not today.

today i was the scary loser. as usual, i ate dinner alone. atleast gringo's is nice enough to give me a table out of the way now. but still, as im sitting eating my dinner, in my dark corner, some slut comes bouncing over on her cell phone, oblivious to where shes at. she sits down, keeps yammering on, never looking at me, but around the room at other people, talking so loud people tables away are looking around. after a few minutes, still on the phone, she looks up at me, cringes, then runs back to the table behind me. awkward moment finished. so i presumed. then she continues yammering on the phone, way too loud. she tells whoever, that she couldnt believe she actually sat down at the wrong table with some gross looking loser. they all laughed at her table. i guess i was done eating anyway. but i wasnt much hungry after that. her and her friends then made a loud departure, laughing the whole way. and i sat in my dark corner. i was mad. more upset than angry. but. i guess what am i supposed to say then. i could have made a scene. i could have called a manager over. i could have whipped it out and pissed down her neck. but i just sat there. i dunno. to me, the losers were sitting at the bar. two hobo looking guys, nursing beers; who eyeballed the girls the entire time they were there. me? the guy wanting to be left alone, is the gross loser. not smelly 50 year old hobos staring at 19 year old girls. it doesnt feel right. but i cant really go around challenging everyone. sure, ill make a stand against a professor in class, who is clearly in the wrong... even if i get no back up from other kids in the class... but really... how am i supposed to stop the minds of teenage girls. i guess some people in the world have to be ugly. even if its not fair, i guess everyone just wants me to be one of those people; because i dont have some girl to sit with me at dinner. or im some sort of loser because my parents didnt buy me plane tickets to cazamel or something luxurious like that. instead i worked 50 hours and i spent two days at home with my parents. that was my spring break. no tans. no drunkenness. no "hook ups." and i guess thats why im some gross loser.

people cry about stuff like this. in fact, i know of several of you out there that prolly still read this, that would cry on the spot if someone did stuff like this to you. but i dont. and contrary to what one friend told me, im not mad at that girl. im not happy about it either. its just the idea of it. how we classify people, based on our own pajoritive terms. appearance chief among them. granted, i do it too. we all freaking do. but i keep my mouth shut. she should have. a polite, ''whoops, wrong table'' would suffice. her comment wasnt necessary. but she comes out on top. obviously. the loser couldnt. and everyone wants to be a winner. everyone lies to themself a litlte bit, and says... "im not a loser" === "maybe im not a winner.. but im NOT the loser!" so why doesnt that work for me? i guess the truth makes it hard to believe the little lies we propegate. think about it. i go home a loser, no matter what. i have no one to talk to to make them look bad; in fact im sitting here bitching about it hours later.... to no one. just the screen. just the keys. just the mouse. and aint none of them really care a whole lot. mom always used to tell me, when kids made fun of me walking or running; that they just did it to make themselves feel better. when i was 7, it made alot of sense. my foot, a wonderful birth defect, always left me with a odd gait pattern.. . and running never worked well... see my foot would roll over the outside at each step, so id trip alot. even on level ground. and it would hurt so bad, to keep falling down on my face and hand. my palms would bleed, and little rocks would get stuck in the cuts. all because i couldnt run right. and it would make me so frustrated. id get mad and punch shit and cry, because i got made fun of for trying to fit in... for trying to play soccer at recess like everyone else. when id come home, mom always knew what happened. or not. i got picked on alot because i had flame orange hair too. and because i knew i was smarter than the rest of the kids at school. but she always knew when the kids would have started in on me for it. i never had to say anything. alot of times i remember trying to hide in my room after id walk home; because i was too frustrated with it. id just stay in there by myself for hours looking at my baseball cards... hands still numb and trembling, i remember holding each card, and looking at it. for hours. i guess, i just felt that if kids didnt want me to be around, id just stay alone. now years later, just doing nothing is reason to be labeled a loser. back then i knew why. its because i tried to fit it. everyone knew from the first second that i wasnt like them, so they just tore into me for it. and now; when i dont play the game anymore, they tear in to me. randomly. in their own little ways.