procrastinating.
but ive had this lingering thought the past few days. its just... i dunno. i guess does anyone else ever miss being in love? i do. i dunno. lately ive had to be around everyone with everyone; and it just keeps re-entering my mind. i ran into my old roommate, and even Stinky has a girlfriend. i mean, stinky does. i sit on the bus to class and listen to some girl recounting her weekend where her boyfriend proposed to her. i just cant stop but thinking; hey how fair is this? in 6 months i cant even get 40 people to look at some stupid ass personal ad, yet people are just walking around with people, getting married, having futures; and i cant help but think how unfair it all is. i mean. really why. is it im not deserving of it? did i just screw up every chance i ever had? am i just not meant to find that end? i guess i dont know anymore. but after watching people around campus and such; i guess i realize how much i miss being in love. sure i dont miss the crap that comes with it; but i do miss having someone around; someone to talk to, someone that talks to me. someone that smiles when i come home. someone that wants to do things with me. then sure all the fun things, the handholding the making out, etc. but its the point of feeling that i matter to someone else. i just dont get that feeling now. there are times where i just feel utterly alone here. had it not been for work; there has been days where ive gone without having to say a word, and no one has said a thing to me. alot of times when there are things spoken; its negative to me. i guess no one quite cares about what i do. the expectation is that i just dont do it around them. which is a lovely thought. but i suppose its hard not to think i alone, when i am. and i will be. i might not be able to make it back for thanksgiving. ill be here. alone. eating cold cut sandwhiches. how cant i feel alone? i miss not feeling that way. i really do miss being able to come home to someone. someone that doesnt bitch at me for bitchings sake. someone that smiles at me. someone that has to incessantly cuddle and steal sheets at night. someone that doesnt mind sleeping in through a class with me. i dunno. maybe i dont know what im talking about...
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Nazareth - Love Hurts
well ive managed to kill the chances of one plan today... slept in late. i knew i would. so thats going to limit my study time... but the sleep was soooo good. no one is here any more... neither roommates or in the building. i think i saw 3 cars in the lot when i came home last night. this morning there is mine and one other. sleep is good. i wish i could sleep in more often. so im spending the day studying for lsats.. can anyone think of a more exciting thing to do? i sure cant. but it leads back to the fact that no one is around. i think all but 2 of my friends have already left to go home. which is sad. the year they give us the entire week off; i have to work through the entire damn week. and not even good hours! same shit hours i have during the year. worthless crap.
tonight should be fun. joe price is playing at the Yacht Club. id ask someone, anyone to go.. but its a 21 only venue... annnnnd no ones here. so i guess ill hold down a table by myself. this will be 5 times ive seen him. 3 that ive been by myself. but atleast ive never been to the yacht club. supposed to be a nice place. guess ill find out. hell it might be dead enough down town i could even drive! beats a slow, cold, walk home bymyself.
well ive managed to kill the chances of one plan today... slept in late. i knew i would. so thats going to limit my study time... but the sleep was soooo good. no one is here any more... neither roommates or in the building. i think i saw 3 cars in the lot when i came home last night. this morning there is mine and one other. sleep is good. i wish i could sleep in more often. so im spending the day studying for lsats.. can anyone think of a more exciting thing to do? i sure cant. but it leads back to the fact that no one is around. i think all but 2 of my friends have already left to go home. which is sad. the year they give us the entire week off; i have to work through the entire damn week. and not even good hours! same shit hours i have during the year. worthless crap.
tonight should be fun. joe price is playing at the Yacht Club. id ask someone, anyone to go.. but its a 21 only venue... annnnnd no ones here. so i guess ill hold down a table by myself. this will be 5 times ive seen him. 3 that ive been by myself. but atleast ive never been to the yacht club. supposed to be a nice place. guess ill find out. hell it might be dead enough down town i could even drive! beats a slow, cold, walk home bymyself.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Everytime
" and everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings.. i feel so small. i guess i need you "
well.. wayne said i did good. he had A scrawled on the page. but over all my presentation; worth massive multas puntas was entirely lost on all in the room. i got lots of nods and smiles for my data and research conclusions, all in support from the TA's and the professor.. the students? i did in fact witness 2 middle fingers. multiple frowns, and two people tried to leave early. most looked annoyed. god i hate this. why make me present research that no one else wants to hear? i lost them the moment i announced why i was involved in the 21 ordinance in the first place. yeah. i dunno. i wanted to pul it off, and have kids atleast appreciate it. no one applauded when i was finished. the girl who surveyed childrens books got applause. people were excited to hear the 19th survey on gender stereotypes in pop magazines. i got flipped off. silence gets to me. i spent better than 3 weeks on that half hour of work and nothing for it. no one saying; nice job. no comments about how it was atleast interesting. the best comment i got was "that was ________ intense... he should _______ off". makes me feel pretty bad about the entire deal. i kinda wonder why im doing this college thing, if this is whats required. what the fuck is the point of me getting up and barking off weeks worth of data and research if im only going to get middle fingers.
...
there was that split second where i thought it was going to come together. then the PC chokes on my thumbdrive. i run to the ITC to pull the file off. try to print it. printers are taken down for maintence. i take my shit. walk down the hall. pissed off now. kick open the graduate TA lab door see one person in the room; unplug her ethernet connection and print my shit; chop 9 slides, all transitions and most of my pictures to crunch down to 1.38megs to fit [barely] on a floppy. to go present to students that hate it. even the hot undergrad TA seemed falsely sympathetic.
i wish people would have liked it. or lied. i clapped for their crap. i asked them helpful, leading questions to help pad their grades. and i get the finger. to a statistical certainty. why am i here again? feeling generally worthless. i guess thats why.
" and everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings.. i feel so small. i guess i need you "
well.. wayne said i did good. he had A scrawled on the page. but over all my presentation; worth massive multas puntas was entirely lost on all in the room. i got lots of nods and smiles for my data and research conclusions, all in support from the TA's and the professor.. the students? i did in fact witness 2 middle fingers. multiple frowns, and two people tried to leave early. most looked annoyed. god i hate this. why make me present research that no one else wants to hear? i lost them the moment i announced why i was involved in the 21 ordinance in the first place. yeah. i dunno. i wanted to pul it off, and have kids atleast appreciate it. no one applauded when i was finished. the girl who surveyed childrens books got applause. people were excited to hear the 19th survey on gender stereotypes in pop magazines. i got flipped off. silence gets to me. i spent better than 3 weeks on that half hour of work and nothing for it. no one saying; nice job. no comments about how it was atleast interesting. the best comment i got was "that was ________ intense... he should _______ off". makes me feel pretty bad about the entire deal. i kinda wonder why im doing this college thing, if this is whats required. what the fuck is the point of me getting up and barking off weeks worth of data and research if im only going to get middle fingers.
...
there was that split second where i thought it was going to come together. then the PC chokes on my thumbdrive. i run to the ITC to pull the file off. try to print it. printers are taken down for maintence. i take my shit. walk down the hall. pissed off now. kick open the graduate TA lab door see one person in the room; unplug her ethernet connection and print my shit; chop 9 slides, all transitions and most of my pictures to crunch down to 1.38megs to fit [barely] on a floppy. to go present to students that hate it. even the hot undergrad TA seemed falsely sympathetic.
i wish people would have liked it. or lied. i clapped for their crap. i asked them helpful, leading questions to help pad their grades. and i get the finger. to a statistical certainty. why am i here again? feeling generally worthless. i guess thats why.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Black Sabbath - After All The Dead
"when did you lose all control; is there someone to be trusted with my mind?"
"oh theres insufficient evidence, of what might just come after; but sometimes out of nowhere there is demented sounds of laughter"
"are we all haunted by the ghosts imagination; it just cant be that safe out there, howling out alone"
"is it just me or does somebody else believe this? that im not alone and im not afraid; theres just one way to see..."
"after all. after all. after all. "
bee a little while since ive posted. lots has happened. but nothing wonderful, nothing extrodinary. nothing worth mentioning. i failed a test, my car got hit, ive been sick, i register days before anyone else for classes, and my hair is short. yeah. take that one to heart.
"when did you lose all control; is there someone to be trusted with my mind?"
"oh theres insufficient evidence, of what might just come after; but sometimes out of nowhere there is demented sounds of laughter"
"are we all haunted by the ghosts imagination; it just cant be that safe out there, howling out alone"
"is it just me or does somebody else believe this? that im not alone and im not afraid; theres just one way to see..."
"after all. after all. after all. "
bee a little while since ive posted. lots has happened. but nothing wonderful, nothing extrodinary. nothing worth mentioning. i failed a test, my car got hit, ive been sick, i register days before anyone else for classes, and my hair is short. yeah. take that one to heart.
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