so tired. people upstiars were having sex last night. not only do i hear rythmic thumping, the bed squeaking, but the occasional moans and 'oh yeahs'. its quite disgusting. having to lay in the dark listening to it all. it wasnt loud, or ear shattering, just constant. just enough that id have to hear it. everyone probably was having sex last night. full moon. drunkenness. youth. hormones. i guess its just in the air. its just something else i get to witness. hard to ignore it at 3 am, getting up at 7am.

im starting to wonder what draws the line for pathetic, and what steps over it. tonight i didnt want to go home by myself. sure, i got off at 6... still much later than scheduled. but i didnt want to go home to be alone. so i drove for 20 miles... ended up at some random bar, and had a beer with some old farmers. it was somewhere near Kalona i guess. either way. i suppose that could be pathetic... so could belonging to an online dating thing. so would be paying for it. which i have been. i guess stepping over that line could be the 2 responses ive gotten in nearly 6 months.[the site says the average user draws a response a week] and people wonder why i get down on myself.

but i guess its something i do. something else i just go through, and move on about. nothing much changes. nothing would in iowa. although it is harvest season. i forgret how picturesqe this place can be during this time of year. it was one of those drives that i wish i took my camera on. hard working, honest people, working the land. nothing much signifies more about the spirit and strength of man than that. the colors of the sky, the field, the dusty that rises out of the dried corn leaves. all of it is colorful and striking in its own way.

i guess im talking about nothing. i guess im just rambling again. and i guess i just dont know anything.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Mama Kin [Aerosmith cover]

intersting day. stupid long committee meetings. bah to missing a class. so then i end up in soc... i guess i didnt do so well on that exam. i walked out thinking i had it down cold... i walked out of his office hours today with a 68%. ouch. appearantly he doesnt do partial credit even on the essays. thats what killed. all the definitions and garbage i nailed [so it looked] just if i didnt have exactly what he wanted for an essay; i lost the points. sure its almost a 70... but i wanted to do alot better than that. so i guess i have to focus some more for his questions on perodic effects. meh. my research is what will do me. 75% of the overall grade is on my research. so im working on that now. yeah. end of semester project.. and im working on it now. thats not a scott way to handle it. usually i wouldnt even think about it till thanksgiving at the earliest. not now... this semester does matter. if i pull it out; ill be out of this fucking town in august. no leases, no clases, 1 diploma. 'bout fuckin time.

werk is werk. i pushed plans tonight. even the sales manager noticed. came home with nearly 300 dollars in plans and warranties. in a 4 hour shift. i blew away the store sales for the entire day. in a 4 hour shift. i wanted them to know that i CAN do it. i just prefer not to. i really detest selling plans and defending doing it infront of customers. had a guy just start giving me the nag about how he doesnt like people trying to sell him plans and warranties. i explained the Staples credo on it. he didnt like it. i about told him to cram it. instead... i helped him get the printer he wanted... then made sure to have 3 other employees attack him with sales shit. each time he got redder and redder in the face and looked back at me. i smiled. stupid fuck. never tell me what you hate, then piss me off. man i love making people pay.

werk was also cool. i was about 6 inches from asking a cool chick out on a date. dunno why i stopped. probably was the sales manager bitching at me to do something instead of hitting on her. her is a young gal who works copy center. shes cool. really petite and small. but shes funny. she loves to smile. the running gag has been telling her she cant smile. instant smiles. she just cant help it. but for whatever reason she came in tonight, all dressed up, loud clompy shoes and all, and went straight over to electronics to find me. pretty nifty. i felt cool about it. she stood there flirting away with me for a good 10 minutes before anyone noticed. shes cool. i could see me doing something with her. shes just fun to be around. i miss having someone like that in my life. that and she looked pretty damn nice in something other staples attire. i used to get to work with her alot before school started, now i rarely see her; they give her opposite hours of mine. but anyways... i was about 24 seconds from asking her when the manager nagged at me. when i got done selling another warranty she was being shoo'd out by the same manager. maybe sometime. probably the next time. it was a welcome relief for someone to actually be interested in me. lately all my contact with people has been limited to hearing bout them, or selling them something. i noticed along time ago that people never ask me about me. no one cares much about my life. everyone elses is always much more important than mine. cool thing was, she wanted to hear about me and what ive been up to. such a rareity. but i guess it doesnt necessarily mean anything good. for all i know, she could just be buttering me up to get me me to switch hours with her. yeah... its prolly just that. . . . . .

3 emails came in asking me about me dream from a couple days ago. [2 emails and an IM i guess] eitherway, im not really ready to disclose it yet. generally i make a good habbit of putting them out there. i guess i have pretty horrific dreams. this one wasnt so much as detailed as it was emotional. the other night i had snippets of it again. not the whole thing. but bits and pieces. i was explaining to the roomie yesterday, that it tends to happen like that for me. ill have a reoccuring image or dream for a while... and with in a few weeks ill experience exactly that. like dejavu[ sp? ] but not really. just its been dreamt before. but its too emotional for me. maybe thats saying too much. maybe it isnt. alot of people want to know... especially a person that it involves... but im not ready for it. ill just keep it to myself this time... see what happens.

"take it for what it is, but i used to love her. then i had to kill her.... "

W. Axl Rose.

Current Musical Selection: Deep Purple - Sometimes I Feel Like Screaming

so i took a 3 and a half hour walk last night. trying to sort out my head. and i dont think it worked. ive substantially calmed down. but that hasnt stopped my thoughts and my feelings about anything. physically im not wanting to be angry... but deep inside i am.

yet again, im missing you. king size bed in a hotel someplace. i hear your name, i see your face.

you just try so hard to rid your mind of everything thats wrong... to clear out the garbage and make room for the things that need to stay. and it just doesnt work. all the garbage, the trash , keeps floating back in. in and out of your mind and your life it comes and goes. and you just wish it to stay out. even though it was all things you used to want. things you know worked well. but things that had to be thrown away.

the back street dolls and the side door johnnies. the wide-eyed boys with the bags full of money. back in the alley, going bang to the wall tied to the tail of a midnight crawl.

i guess im just born to loose out. i get attached to what i want, and thats not supposed to happen anymore. the only thing people get attached to are the crap they tell themselves. the stories they make out these side door johnnies out to be, when, really all they are just out for themself... not anyone else. the bags full of money that capture the attention of people in this town are wasted on me. if anything i hate people whose parents hand over cash. kids that never work for money, remain kids. they take on adult problems, but remain kids about it. thats where i draw the line. little things i noticed out on a cold night alone, watching packs of kids running around. wearing adult clothes, getting into adult situations, but remaining children nonetheless. shrugging away the bindings of responsibility and maturity; and how do i fit in to this town?

heaven wouldnt be so high i know, if the time gone by hadnt been so low. the best laid plans all come apart at the seams, and shatter all my dreams.

i guess im not sure where i end up then. what to think about in these days of torment. everyone around me gleefully runs headlong in to the situations of illrepuit, and im left at home. or worse, walking around watching them. people destroy their lives with what they do, and ive lost the will to stop it. i just watch it happen. someone in particular i guess ive lost the will to intervene with. i guess i cant compete with substance abuse. i cant compete with the ignorance of them in their plight, or about the problems that compound by their own hands. i tried. i cried about it in the past. but even the marathon runner's legs give out sometime. i spent my day off to be with them because they were having such a bad time. its halfway through the day before i even get a mention about them not wanting to go. never did even get a phone call. just an IM. being sick is a good excuse. just later last night while walking, being sick sounded like a coincidental occurance, in light of everything. but i didnt let it stop me from caring. that was my purpose. to help someone feel better, not alone, not depressed, and to know they are a better person that someone else sees them as. because ive been there. ironically so; but ive been there. and no one was there for me, and i didnt want that happenning to this person... deep down i guess i still care then. i figured now that my day was wasted, id do something. made up a batch of soup, crackers [even animal ones!]; and spent about 2 minutes scrawling out a crude picture as a pick me up. left it for them to pick up. and went away. i suppose i didnt have to. i was more than comfortable sitting with them awhile, especially if they were sick; just to cheer them up. hugs and smiles go along way when you feel like that. but i guess on some level i wasnt totally ready for that yet. we have a lot of history. and this just wasnt something i guess i could go through it they werent ready to see me. but yeah, it has alot to do with that dream i had a few days ago. anyway i come home, do stuff. get angry. [last nights post] and dissapear.

sometimes i feel like screaming. close my eyes, its like this my head goes down and the only thing i know is the name of this town.

i wanted to scream, i wanted to punch something. the more i hear about people with others, and the more they have them, the more i want it. and the less likely i know i am to get it. because what i want, im guessing, isnt here for me. be it this town, this time in life, this world, it isnt. along time ago i learned that id never find what i wanted exactly. that instead, id have to find the best thing and be willing to work with it. that nothing would actually happen to walk in like that in perfect form, without some work. so thats what lead me to whats happened. i guess i know that caring about someone will have its ups and downs, and maybe it cant even be romantic... but that shouldnt stop me from being there. i just wanted to help someone help themself. and that doesnt make me feel right about it at all. if it is true. thanks for turning me into one gigantic ass. im not embarrased about it. not for me. maybe some day youll understand it. and maybe youll understand me, like i understand you. but i dont know. all i do know is the name of this wretched town.

yet again, im missing you; wont be long o' coming home. until that distant time, ill be moving on.

and thats, i guess, my lesson from this. just another brick to the wall about how things are the way they are... never an inch of mortar to explain why they are. facts on top of facts. none of it is useful for much. except building the walls around me. people build their own walls though. they dont much need mine. unless i am that bad of a person. but all i try to do is act the best that i can for people. i want the best for the few people around me that i know are worth it. i guess im frustrated that they dont see that. self worth is something that seems to be continually depreciating in value, and here i try to up the rates back into the black. and this is what i get for it. something minus pitty. disparagement. nothing that i should have rightfully earned. not for believing in someone else, and showing you care about them. but thats the lesson. instead run to the boys with the bags full of money, the side door johnnies, leave me by the phone. i guess i wasnt good enough for anything anyway. especially not because i care.


and its all in the mind.