Saturday, September 27, 2003

god damn it. not again. so here i am, bored, sitting around; nothing at all to do. i had today marked off to spend with someone, and it never happened. plan b was never really made. so sitting around at home, by myself, ive been looking for something to do, someone to talk to. anything besides sitting alone. so i call an old friend up. yeah. nicki is now engaged. not again.

i dont mean any disrespect whatsoever to her! she deserves to find someone right, and if she has, far be it from me to be angry about that. but. its yet another person in the marriage bracket. and here i struggle to even find someone to kill my day off with. its depressing. really. its starting to seriously bother me. you know it shouldnt, but it does. i cant even call my friends anymore without feeling isolated. it seems like anytime i call anyone, theyve always got the Sig Other with. i call my friend in hawaii... shes expecting the husband to call. i call my buddy blake, hes with the fiance. i call J, another fiance, i talk to poopie nuhts--- and that kid is engaged. why isnt this fair? i used to think it was just something that happened. but now. now it just makes me angry. it upsets me, to feel so pathetic all the time. i used to joke about it. i used to belight the situation. i used to ignore it. and its just gotten worse. i dont understand it. but it doesnt feel fair. i look around and see everyone with someone. everybody. everybody is happy. everyone has got someone to be with. and i just feel like im pushed farther and farther away from the accepted levels of people. and its not good.

i was talking to a girl at work the other night, and shes stuck out this terrible relationship with a guy shes not happy with; who cheats on her; and who just isnt good for her... and she knows and agrees with this. she tells me its because; "but i guess id rather do this and be somebody with someone, than be alone" and i didnt quite know how to take it. keri has no clue about me or my status; but for people to feel the need to be with someone like that; and to look down upon; with despise, to people like me. it doesnt make this any easier. nothing comes easy, accepting the feeling of being uneasy with my disposition. so i guess tonight i cross off another name from my list. and its getting down to a handful of people now. well bump it from that list and put it on the growing list of weddings ill have to sit through. [3rd weekend in may next year, is the latest].

i dont even know what to say anymore. i just tell them to send me the invitations, and ill try my best to make it. but its depressing. everyone has a place to go with their life. everyone has someone to share it all with; even if its not the right person; they still got it. not me. i dont count i suppose. i guess im not that kind of person. i guess i just dont deserve anyone or any kind of happiness like that. and that doesnt seem fair. because that means whatever i am, whatever i do; none of it is good enough... deserving enough, to qualify for shit. and i try. i try my fucking hardest to be the best person that i can be. i bend over absolutely backwards for people. today i threw away probably my only weekend off until thanksgiving; to spend with someone. and it never happened. wasted my whole day waiting for it. got no homework done, nothing bought, nothing taken care of. because i made time for this day. and does that seem fair at all to anyone else? i didnt get mad. i didnt blow up. i didnt yell, scream, cry, punch anything. i just took it. and then i went the extra step... they were sick; so i took them some pick-me up stuff... no one asked me to. i didnt have to do it. and i did it anyway. and for that i do, the person that i am to do that; it still doesnt mean fucking shit. because im still the person thats alone. granted it made me feel better to do something for someone else. but i think back to the years ive been doing this. all my life. and never once has it amounted to shit for me. why not?

i guess then it goes back to feeling like im owed something. i suppose im not then. life its self is not a game of rewards. clearly, it is not. is it blind luck? nope. because luck has got to pan out some times. the odds are so slim that you keep throwing snake eyes; that once.... just one god damn time... youve got to get something else out of it. but here i sit. im on my angry chair. and nothing changes. im trying to draw conclusions about something that i dont know much about. but that everyone else does. see everybody else has this fucking game figured out. theyve all got it down pat. they say... be yourself. and i am. they say, try to meet people. and i do. they say, go after the one you love. and i did, and i do. and here i sit. so what then. they say, wait. wait for what? everything else was proactive. and now, you tell me; once there are no more options to be exhausted... that i just sit on the bench. and smile about it. like waiting ever made someone happy. like its going to make me happy.

i guess no one ever talks about how hard it is to be alone. i suppose its all the more romantic to write about the happy times, gazing in each others eyes... kissing and feeling wanted. about souls being nurtured. and shit like that. no one talks much about despair. about coveting what the eyes see, that the heart cant have. its the recipricol nature of expectation. by loving, but doing, by hoping; you expect.. just once maybe, to get a pay out. and when you keep finding yourself in the gutter, you keep reaching down deeper to try harder with the next time... to make that smile a bit faker and bigger. and before you know it; youre scratching pavement when you dig down. and thats about where i feel. just once it would be good for someone to write the truth about me. about how true it is too feel like i do. maybe once it would be good to actually hear the truth from someone else about whats going on, maybe someone could give me a true account of me. stop the lies. start with the reality of it all. starting with how its bullshit to expect someone to come along. how its crap that theres a princess down the path. that youre supposed to feel ugly when trashbag bottom ho's, drunk to the last drop at closing time, steer away from you after last call. maybe someone could just break the news to CNN that im not desireable, instead of this fucking grotesque farce of protesting to me otherwise. how about leveling a bit of the truth that no girl really desires me, or anyone like me. hell; fucking humor me for christ sake... spit up a truth snippet about how im just plain ugly. god wouldnt that make this trainfull of shit you all tell me, about the right person, about waiting, and about being a late bloomer; just a little bit easier to swallow? even a grain of sugar per yard of shit, makes it a bit sweeter? isnt right for something to be right? because its got to be something. because thats natural. nature has a reason, and it has a season.. so shouldnt it be natural for someone to love you?

and i guess its not.
PS - yes it was.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

if dreams come true...

i had one of those shocking dreams last night; that are so vivid and real, its hard to recover from it. not that it was horrific or anything like that at all. but just the realism of it. and it seemed like one of those funky premenition dreams... where you see something or experience something in a dream, then it actually happens just like that a few days later. i cant say it. i just cant. but if it did/does. i can see how alot of my friends will not be too happy, even though id be happy. i dunno. its scary to think about it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

wow. http://www.sukijones.com/pix.htm

i can only say wow. could these be doctored? yes. are they? most likely not. this is in fact slash and izzy playing with steven adler's new band. wow. christ on a stick i wish i lived in LA to see this show. adler is a washed up piece of trash... but 3 of 5 member of GnR on one stage aint bad! especially Izzy. i plan on seeing 3 of 5 as soon as Velvet Revolver decides to tour [Slash, Duff, Matt with Scott Weiland singing]; but Izzy... man oh man. ive heard the rumors that Izzy is going to tour. if so; i will quit my job to get off to see him if he comes anywhere with in 6 hours of Iowa City. appearantly they played 3 songs together, one of which was Paradise City... god damn. what a show. Izzy, Slash and adler. still... Izzy and Slash.

Monday, September 22, 2003

last night. man. why does everything have to go wrong when you never want it too? i realized when i got up sunday i was about on my last pair of clean boxers... ofcourse i have to work all day. then billions of hours of latin; so doing laundry was something that was going to get done at an odd time i figured. struggled through the day at work; of all people my latin TA comes in the store. fuck. hes too happy. especially about latin. after dealing with peoples crap for yet another day, i go home long enough to make food and go straight to the laundromat. which is full. a million black kids running around throwing detergent on the floor, climbing on the washers. it was straight out of BeBes Kids. even with headphones on i heard them screaming at each other. got done with that after longer than necessary, and was ready to go home. i pull in the lot.. and some dick parked in my space. so after waiting outside for over an hour for the police department to show up, we have him towed. as the truck lifts his car up [making a terrible screaching sound as they yanked it out of place when in Park], this halfwit stoned looser comes running out side. he tries pleading to me and the cop and the guy driving the tow truck; that he was only here for five minutes, and it wasnt fair. i told him to fuck off. hed been there over 2 hours, and was blocking TWO spaces [not just mine]. the cop said it was up to me. i told them to yank it. so this stupid stoner now owes a parking violation charge, the hourly fee for a wrecker to come out [prolly in the 50 dollar range], plus a fee from the police impound lot to get his shitmobile back. all i wanted was to go home. and go to bed. after all that i stayed up doing latin. fell asleep somewhere around 3am... and never woke up for class. and now... NOW i get to go back to work. what a fucking day. its not fair.