Monday, August 04, 2003

Current Musical Selection: GnR Use Your Illusion I

lately ive been feeling nostalgic. started off about a week ago, when i had a 4 hour conversation with my old friend Angelo. we were absolute best friends for the longest time; eventually the rigors of high school moved us on different paths. hes doing well and good at the university of nebraska, for those of you that may know him. but we started talking about kids and shit from school; people that are dead now, married, having kids. its all very scary. makes us remember the old days that much more. and they seem so far away at times, but they arent. even though im drawing in on my 5 year class reunion allready, i still dont feel like ive left it by much. but i have. ive traveld a million miles since that time, both physically and emotionally; and thats the difference that it makes. seeing the perspective of change in my own life, but not in the catastrophic variety that my classmates have. but the changes, however less strongly impactive in conversation, are strong and noticeable.

i guess that started off the week. its been rather upside down. ranging from random phone calls with old friends, to seeing my other friends getting married, and two others starting down that path, its hard to say there isnt alot of pressure on what i think about myself. had a long car ride up to iowa city friday to get keys [more later], and i doubt jeff knew nearly as much about me as he now does before we got in that car. good and bad. i didnt tell him what all had happened. just some highlights. but i think from what i expressed he defenitely understands more of my disposition in life. all in all it is pretty difficult to open the paper every week and see classmates and friends engaged, married and having children. alot of times its anything but hard to say i feel like im being left behind. maybe im not. sure, i dont have to be married just because the neighbors are; but theres pressure there. especially after talking to my mom about it today, when i realized she was married at my age; and expecting a child in a years time from mine. that puts the screws to you. again, i guess i dont have to feel like i need to get married or move on; lots of people wait. lots of people also never get married now days; and i dont want to turn out to be one of them. i concede that im lonely, that i waste my time on people when i have them, but what else is there? the pressure comes from inside some days. and i understand how im not an attractive person, but that doesnt somehow disqualify this moving desire to want someone; and especially not when im around everyone who has someone. its not that i hate you all because of it, its because i envy you so much.

durring my weekly slot of zen; [read: mowing the lawn] i found my self questioning what happened in my last relationship. its hard to understand. so i dropped convention and went abstractly, backwards and tried to come up with some utility to as why i was put through it all. i guess i can say that it was what i asked for. reading back through the archives here, youll notice that my one birthday wish was to find a girl that would mean as much to me as i to her. and that did happen. for several months. and then what? thats where the questions started coming into play. i question the motivation for God's granting of my wish to strip it away. its not a question of buyer beware, more of what meaning can someone derive from that? from having the experiences and the close relationship that i do want with someone, and achieving a strong and mutual relationship with them; what do you learn when its gone? and i was focusing on that. its easy to just presume the obvious, that im not meant for a relationship like that. and i suppose thats something thats well supported by my past. i could also conclude that its just a trial run for the future, but thats rather optimistic. and i could say that it never was meant to end, only she or i found a way to end it. its the most difficult to agree with. but from the fantastic perspective its the most desireable because both alternatives leave me with nothing with no reasons, while the last was going to leave me with something. but i still dont know. ive never learned the reasons for our break up, and its difficult for me. its something that nags at me, its something that im reminded of everytime she tries to talk to me as a friend; because i know for some reason, known only to her, she had to stop our relationship. that all comes back to the main idea of getting married...

see the idea of marriage conceptualizes two people melding into one life. taking from both to make one; the blending of them in a relationship thats mutually agreeable, so much so it receives blessings from God's men on earth. so the sanctity of marriage is something quite unlike anything else on earth really; almost all other 'transactions', if you will, fall under one person. this is the only one of the sacraments that requires another person; not only to honor or condone it: but to become part of it. so what? well that ground becomes very unsteady when you place the facts upon it. namely that other person who i trusted with many of those sentiments, doesnt want that from me. at its dark underside, that is the fact of the end of all relationships; they no longer are mutual; they no longer are desireable; they no longer abou the encorporation of 2 people as one, they become the most basic of all: 2 separate entities. infact separate and separation are the words we use to categorize states of marriage adn relationsips. so far be it from me to fuck with the God in the sky and rules on the books when it comes to the natural order of things; but for once; i wish it didnt have to be. this time i lament over the thing that could not be. and the greif is nothing more that personal disatisfaction and anger.

its all very sketchy... but you can see where its heading... i can.