tonight it happend. one of the days i knew would come, but have dreaded for a while. tonight i had to stand up and face my past. i met it, face to face once again, a thousand miles from where i left it.

i thought pizza would be tame enough at 9pm on a friday night. at a godfathers. in dport. close to my house, with a friend. it would be safer to go there, than down to the Bix fest where everyone would be. i was wrong. as we are standing in line picking out what we want [no two men can ever agree on one kind of pizza] i heard a voice i knew. it was quiet and high, and sounded god damn familiar. i stopped, and didnt think much of it. it couldnt be. i kept looking at the menu. then i heard the laugh. and the sigh afterwards. really, this shit cant be happening. it was her. she was here. i didnt have to turn around, because i knew it was her.... i knew i would be looking straight at the face of the girl, who until recently [and maybe not] had caused me the most pain in my life. i nudged J. i told him; 'should i turn and talk to her'... his face dropped slightly when he looked over his shoulder. "dude, i wouldnt". i dont listen well.

****** wake up********

'hello jennifer.'

a very quick--- "hi"

a pause.

"oh my GOD! HOW ARE YOU?????"

******* grab a brush and put up a little make up*******

Jenn had found her way back to davenport. shed found her way back infront of me. she was supposed to be several thousand miles away; wasting away in georgia... pining for me to call her again... atleast thats how i think of it, and her, and how we ended. instead. shes right here. arms open. i dont think so. i dont hug her.

------- i guess ive got alot to say about her, and i really dont. i dont want to say much about it. but i do. Jdogg [or justin as his fiance likes to call him] knows me and her, and was there for me all along. hes been my best friend for the past 5 or 6 years; and sometimes it feels like hes been my only friend through some things. she was one of those things. and i know now, that the biblical god does infact, show mercy upon those that are in his favor. to moses was aaron, to abraham was sarah, and to i, i have my friend. through the desparate times, many we given aid for their disposal. i needed it, then and now.

im speechless. im not sure where to go. i know not to her arms. which she quickly moved back down, and backed a step away. i know i cant go back to her like that, here, like this. not now. not then. i cant. not after all that was said and done. and i dont care if it was years ago. looking at her again brings those memories back fresh.

****** now i cry... NOW ANGELS DESERVE TO DIIIIIIEEEE ********

------- i could say say that the history between she and i was badblood, and be suffice with that. shes a girl thats always been in my mind, that is still in my prayers at night; and for all the hell she caused me and scarring she marred upon my soul; i still wish no evil to come of her. we started out as friends, progressed, and degressed. i fell in love, adn with it i fell out of her favor. it was the first time id ever felt the feeling of love for another. total infatuation and admiration. and it happened to a girl, who in all interests, didnt want it. didnt want me. no different from any other girl, past or present... maybe future... she was no different than any of them; other than i wanted her. really bad, not to be like them. i dont even know what to put into words here to describe us. we started refering to each other as x's; although i guess we werent together. that would mean shed have wanted to be with me... to be a part of me... and that was clearly not the case. i challenge people to dig down and know that feeling. not emulate, commiserate or empithate. but to feel that. to touch your very soul, and to watch it burn. to know that feeling, means you have to know the pain of holding your heart into the flames. it doesnt burn just your heart; your hands, your fingers; your flesh is blackened adn blistered. it bleeds and is baren. what was strong and firm, is now twisted, ruined and forever scarred. that was how much i wanted her. i damn near destroyed myself for a girl that never showed much favor for me. and when she did. when she was a narrow reflection.. misty and fractured... of what i desired and longed her to be... i plunged my hands in to the flames. when the fire would smolder, i thrust in my body to fan the flames. that much. and she took it. and she left. we tried. we failed. i tried. she didnt. i loved. she wouldnt. i wanted. she wanted someone else. and i brutally treked on after her. feelling the sting as i went, but not braking for the pain.

i was trembling so bad i had to bury my hands in my pockets. im sweating. im nervous. im agitated. and i shouldnt be. this is the girl that walked away from my life as i offered it. the girl that i invested time and effort in; and was rewarded 7 fold with laughter, anger and screams of scorn. and i, i was nervous. and its stupid. ive spoken to crowds of hundreds. ive spoken for money. ive given my frank and swear filled opinion to people who earn more in a year than i may ever hope to gross in a life. and im tumbling over saying hello to an ex girlfriend in public. i cant do it. i feel like im 3. like im a retarded bumbling piece of garbage. that i want to run and hide... that i want to stand and watch the cute girl at play time from behind a table leg. that im juvenile. im that nervous because its her again.

------- so it was back and forth. time on, time off. all the while those feelings built in me. falsely i suppose. because for them to be true; would mean nothing could have separated us...nothing could have been more true than for us to have been and to remain together. and there i stand face to face with her again.

"wow, you look soooo different scott..." she stopps and eyes me over as she says it and trails off.

'yeah. i cut my hair, stopped shaving.' i rub my head. i miss my ponytail now.

------ the truth is ive changed alot since her. the obvious physical differences are easy to spot, but make me harder to spot. i used to shave and keep my hair long. i used to be in slightly better shape. i walked differently then. i was more prone to move quickly; more of a bounce to my step. and now, its slower. more cautious. measured. ive changed alot more besides that. but maybe im the only one to notice. maybe im the only one that cares. i stopped being outwardly angry about everything. now i try not to let things openly sway me in opinion, despite how much it aggrivates me. i probably am the only one to notice that now. some people just say ive calmed down. but i guess thats just how people see it. since her i dont allow myself to want like i did. ive slipped once or twice since then. more noteably of recent memory. but its hard sometimes. its hard to keep yourself so dark and unchanging; to deny yourself the simple pleasure of falling in love with someone again. ive changed that since her. because of her. alot of things about me had to change because of her. i kinda went off the deep end after her. i spent time doing alcohol and other things. smoked for a while because of it. but nothing really let me escape it. not the drugs i medicated my self with; nothing changed the feelings of guilt and wanting for something i couldnt have, that i did no wrong. i just wasnt cute. i just wasnt important. i never would be with her. i tried scrubbing my soul clean, and i picked some of the harshest things in life to clean with. i wonder now, why i thought they would ever work? it just prolonged it all for me. i spent a couple years out of my life doing nothing but numbing and prolonging it. i never really stopped to accept her and the changes i needed to go through until i cleaned house and sat it out on my own for a while. who would want to face the truth about what happend... not like that. so i had to change. its something i had to take seriously because if i offered myself to someone and i wasnt even nearly close to being treated as civil; then i couldnt be that wonderful. i couldnt be that great of a person, i couldnt be desireable in my own right, and i couldnt be everything for anyone when i was nothing to no one. that changes you. more so than scissors and razors will let you do.

J couldnt stand it and turned away.

****why have you forsaken me? ******

"you look good guy"

'yeah.... uh. yeah you look great too kid'

and she did. she was tan. more toned up. J always gave me shit because she wasnt huge boobed; she hated it too. but i liked it. she was small, petite, just adoreable. she looked amazing. but different. she had the accent from georgia. it was different. but it fit her. it was cute. it was appealing. it was driving me insanse hearing it. i like it too much. she'd adjusted her make-up practice too. before it was lots of darks on her eye lashes. not so much now. it looked better. she looked a bit older. but not like me. i felt pitiful standing there. im old. i look it. since my hair has gone, i look old around my eyes... i have gray hair in my sideburns, that i have to cut out in the mornings...places like the forehead and corners of my mouth look old now. things i could hide from myself with a youthful look of brashness and played sense of appearant immaturity. it all was left behind on the cutting room floor. im standing there. ugly. fat. older. but wiser?. defintely still heartbroken. and she looks better than she ever had. shes drop dead beautiful. she smiles. her eyes light up when we are talking. shes still coy, and has that flirt to her speeh and manner with me. then in the silence, she hit me with the eye rolls and sticking her tongue between her lips.

----- there were happy times i guess. there are good times. has to be. i cant let my self go on, and claim there werent. sometimes i feel bad. sometimes i feel drug down when i think about her; and i know it would be easier to just invent some happy times. but its not right. i look in her eyes and know not what i see.

*******in your eyes forsaken me.******

"so whats up?" her arms now cross over, shes picked up on my body language...

'not alot, just getting food with J here, arent you supposed to be in georgia?'

"yeah, im back for the summer but i go back on sunday you know...... "

i stopped listening to her answer. i couldnt. i got lost in her again. she was and still is one of the most beautiful girls ive ever had the privilege of knowing. only one other beats her out in my mind, and because what she thinks she may lack in beauty and features she more than makes up for in person and personality... something that is also altogether beautiful and makes me smitten and squeamish around her still. its something jennifer doesnt have. some times id ask myself why i cared about jenn. she was hot. but what else? she had opposite views from me, opposite ideas. and has moved in an opposite direction. shes gorgeous, but what else? what else was there for me. and i hate that she was one of the worst decisions i never made. that i never gave myself a chance to think about it... that i discounted my possiblilty to say NO to jenn, before i allowed myself to think it.

******in your thoughts forsaken me******

"so what are you up to?"

'not much, hanging in there... you know? finishing school up and stuff---'

"yeah, ive got like a year and a half left.'

'why, did you change majors, still PR?'

"yeah, i took time off to work and build residency, it put me behind not being able to do school"

'yeah, i missed some classes, i was a student government president this year at school... so i took time for that'

she lit up. i watched her eyes first, then her mouth.

"WOW. really? god thats cool for you; i knew youd do something like that" and then she smiled.

'yeah... shit i guess...'

im mumbling and stumbling. she never knew me as someone that held office. when we last spoke, id just been elected to my hall board. i never told her. i never had the chance to. probably because she didnt care. back then it was all about her. no matter how inexplicably that i was still in love with this girl, shed never miss a chance to rub it in. telling me about how she screwed so and so on a washing machine at school; how she woke up naked and in someones bed after a party and didnt remember it. how it was all so fun. how she never had money. how she allways managed to pull through and forget about me or others. there never was time for me. i dropped the dime each time to listen to her life. she never wanted mine. why should she? why listen for someone to PAY to retell their life? that was when things started clearing....

*****in your heart forsaken... ******

'so long time no see, we should....' '...'

and like that she isnt paying attention to me. like that i saw her control me again. she turned me off when she wanted, and shut me out because she wanted to. and i kept her hand on the switch... where it was comfortable i suppose.

j and i take our drinks and move down the counter area. i get to the drink station 'mutherfucker, kill me now. dude. kill me. ill hand you my knife, lie and tell people i fucked sarah [his fiance]' --- 'yeah dude, i cant BELIEVE shes here man, that fuckin cunt bitch'

i stopped to look at her as he went to sit down. she didnt pay attention to me. and i stood there like an idiot, watching the train comming at him on the tracks. i saw the trainwreck. and i walked. i looked at her closely. maybe it was the last time id ever do it. maybe, and i dont know why. i felt good about it... about seeing her. all those days where i cried. all the nights i couldnt sleep. the times wed chat. the stories wed tell. the fondness in my heart for her. all the prayers that have left my lips over the years for her. i know that god does hear me. i know now one of the few things ive asked for, has come true. god has infact come through for me on 2 occasions now, when ive asked with my heart that it mattered. he sent me someone to take my heart away with love this year when i asked for it. and he let me see again the girl ill never have, and know that shes safe without me. and i couldnt say anything more than that. i cant write anything more than that. thats the feeling i had.

***** ohhh me..... *****

i followed over to the table, tripping myself once. lost in thought. i sat down,

'dude, should i go back over there and talk to her?' ---"dont fuckin dare"
'come on, i wanna know whats up with her.... if shes still with Ugly Bob[ codename for what broke us apart... her one time fiance]' ---"i dunno man, i was looking for like 4 years, and i didnt see a ring on her"

------- i remember that ring too well. i remember the phone call i got on new years day years ago; from her. we hadnt spoken in months, and she calls me to talk again. and i knew when i heard her voice there was something behind it. eventually it came out; "scott... k--- proposed to me... and i dont know what i feel... you are the first person other than my family to know" i guess i was mad. i guess i could have been happy for her. but i listened instead. it was cold. but i didnt say much at first. the months of separation didnt mean much when you feel like your flung out on the edge again. and it wasnt that i wanted to break it up; but it was that i was concerned for her. later she told me thats why she called. because she knew id give her the right answer. so we talked some about it. and she wasnt comfortable about it. he had went back to georgia, and left her with the ring in iowa; and she was rethinking the tenative yes she had given him. then we decided we should get together and talk. and we did. that last week and change from when she called until i went back to school; we spent alot of time together again.... in person and on the phone. its hard to forget some of those times. fights dissappeared when you think about walking in the park in the light falling snow at night. or about quiet dinners and coffee from an out of the way booth... laughing for hours about everything. about looking at someones eyes and remembering what it was like to be human and feel. so i remember quite well the ring she showed me from him. i thought it was rather chinsey. something like a cracker-jack ring dropped in real gold. cheap gold. prolly 3.4 karat gold. maybe it had the krylon touch. but i remember looking at it, and looking in her eyes, and thinking she deserved better than that. and i dont remember how it came out. but something did. and she looked repressed over something, looked away, and told me she was going to give it back to him because of me. that started off another couple months that ofcourse, ended quite horribly. ended up being the worst valentines day id ever experienced. but thats all for another day....

******* oh trust, in my self righteous suicide.*******

'man.. its like a car accident... you just gotta look... i just got to talk to her about...'

***** i cry. *****

"about what? how shes a cooze-ass bitch ho? how she dont want to see you no more? no. dont"

i didnt know what to do. my hand was shaking. i felt loose inside. nervous. scared. scarred even. and everything was fresh again. i didnt want to be there. i didnt want to see her. and yet i did. i know that since the last time i laid eyes on her 3 years ago; at the restaraunt and the fight, and how she walked away from the car and never looked at me or said goodbye; i knew i wanted to see her again. and now i had the chance. but that didnt help my head from stopping my feet. i couldnt go like i was. i was starting to panic. i hadnt felt that way in a long time. it was embarrasing. almost as much as what i did. i kept looking around the place, i got up to get a refill, and i lost my hands. i found them on my phone, and i had already dialed someone. erin probably doesnt want to talk to me. that didnt make a difference i suppose, and i hit her voice mail.

***** when angels deserve to die. die in my self-righteous suicide. ********

--------- the last phone calls we have with others, tend to be the ones that hang around the worst in our minds. not because what gets said necessarily; but because you never get a chance to explain anything again... never get a chance to expand on or retract things. and its those last words you have to hear in your mind the rest of eternity. my last words to her were not ones i wish to take back however. we tried to talk and be friendly in those last few days before she was leaving. it wasnt working well. too much had come before us to really try to forget and ease into a friendship. she still had alot of hostility and anger towards me, and i tried the best that i could to abandan my baggage; but it wasnt working. the last phone call lasted 40 minutes. we tried talking about fun times and happy things. stupid stuff like shed only be a phonecall away. how she could just call me and it wouldnt be that far. we talked about how we could be friends; but i dont think she meant it. i know now, she didnt. but i did. sort of. i believed in the possibilty for it to happen. i believed that she had the propensity to change and allow us to be friends for once. im wrong sometimes. so we tried talking about new stuff shed see and experience; everything that wasnt related the guy she was leaving to go live with.... college there was an afterthought... something she made up as a storybook plot; that they could be happily ever after together, live together, go to school together, and be married together. happy for the two principle characters. not for anyone else. so we didnt talk about him. and she didnt talk about me. then came the time we knew was comming. she had to hang up. and she told me... "ok.. well im sooo tired now [yawned] and i need to finish packing tomorrow, my flight is in like 50 hours..." 'yeah.' "hey, but look ill call you tomorrow ok? ill give you my address and numbers and stuff, k?" 'yeah.' .... 'jennifer.' "what?" 'dont bother calling me... i know you wont.' and then i hung up on her. like that i pushed myself off. i rolled over after taking a shot at myself like that, and laid down to die. even if she was going to call me; she wouldnt now. but i was confident after several years of her; i knew her well enough; that i wasnt going to get called anytime soon, regardless of what we said to each other for the last time.

when i looked over my back at where she was, i saw her turn and go out the door. she never waived. never yelled. never looked back at me. and thats the way it has to be i suppose. she never will look back at me. why would she? why do i look for her to do that still? thats something i guess only ill ever figure out about her. i cant rely on friends or on knowledge alone to tell me why i do the things that i do. i just have no choice but to make it up as i go along really. i cant make an answer for the questions i cant understand. i cant ever hope to provide clarity to someone that was as transparent as glass from the begining, but that i alone, made mirky with the thoughts and garbage of my own desires. she wont turn around. and i envy that.

*******why cry, when angels deserve to die?******

======================================================

***** System of a Down. "Chop Suey"
try playing the song on loop as you re read this...

big post coming. typing. god please, ive got alot to say... be paitent.

Just One More Anniversary...

Current Musical Selection: Alice In Chains - Down In A Hole

among other things, today is a day of anniversary of sorts. a year ago, at about this same damn location, i pounded out my very first blog entry. exciting. it was also on this day [almost] that the REAL Guns N Roses played their last live concert, nearly 10 years ago... now do you see why i picked the title that i did? probably not.

so a year ago i decided id let people see what i think. i dunno how wrong i was to do that, but im still doing it now. im not sure whats so wrong about it; but i guess it has something to do with what i think about. maybe how i think. maybe that i think. that offends people so well. lets be honest folks, since ive been doing this ive probably lost about 4 friends along the way, due in part, if not in total to this space. im not sure how to react to that when i think about it. i mean, does it say that much about what i write? or does it say that little about the people that take offense to it. again, its not that id ever stop thinking or feeling the way that i do; just that i have internalized it slightly less. and that turns people off. why? see, it doesnt bother people when others come screaming and yelling at them; or when others come blubbering away at their doorstep about something; no, not nearly to the degree that little old me, miles away, in pixels, can seem to offend you. you, who come to my place, uncolicited, and of your own desire to read this space on a continuous nature, are the ones thats are offended. so im most surprised about why the hell some of you come here then? especially if all you do is read it to get mad at me, or use it as ammunition against me. or how about the people that cower in the corners and still read this? perfect strangers dont bother me, its the people that i DO KNOW that sit and read this meticulously as entertainment, that i worry about. ive never been interesting; but over the last year, ive become interesting to some of you. so its alot of mixed emotion involved with observing a date like this.

to take a moment to those that have decided to stop associating yourself wtih me because of this space:

fuck off. really. you arent missed.



to take a moment to those that have decided to continue reading or have started reading this space:

congrads. dunno what else to say, other than i hope you enjoy the ride.


so in the past year, alot of other things have also happened to me. alot. and most of it has appeared in this space. so, for me, there is a definite interest in keeping this space going; if for nothing else, that for my ability to recollect what happened to me in the past. especially as a way for me to remember how i felt in certain situations and at certain times. so ive chosen to continue on with this space. so well see what happens in the year to come... L O T S is going to happen soon. i know it will. keep watching, keep reading, and go down fighting.

xXx