Current Musical Selection: Everlast - What Its Like
man... how do you respond to an event in your life thats happend a hundred times, but still burns you up inside? see online i leave my profile searchable on AOL so other people could find me to talk to me... invariably some young girls will message me, and ask to trade pictures. often they make an excuse while they look for theirs... just to wait for mine. they talk, seem open, honest. then when they see my picture, they stop talking. or find excuses to sign off [usually blocking me... i can tell these things]. so how do you deal with that? it fucks with me every time it happens, and i hate it. i know im pretty unnattractive... fine, im down right ugly; but really thats no reason for people to be shallow. besides, is the internet supposed to be about something more than just sex? isnt it possible to talk to ugly people, knowing youd never have to be seen with them? is it just fucking possible, for once, that the internet didnt have to reflect real life so closely? its not.
its not about being kind, considerate, open, understanding, informative or anything like that. its about getting what you want. faster. getting the pictures you want to see, finding the paper to plagerize, the software to steal, the porn to spank it to... its about getting it faster than you going crusing at the mall for hotties, than going to the library to steal someones words, than walking into an electronics department and walking away with merchandise, faster than visiting your old friends [the counter help] at the Porno-Mart. its about fullfulling the selfish gratificiations for our lusts, just virtually, faster. the internet, if anything is more like real life, than real life might be like. what? i dunno... i guess in real life, when you approach someone at the mall, you smile, you say hi, you start a conversation; people aren't inclined to laugh at your facial features then walk off. the internet lets us avoid that sense of societal composure... that ability to blend in normatized beliefs and manners with the crowd around us. the internet lets us be as true as we want to be about ourselves. why do you think we catch so many child molesters here? people too timid [statistically] to reach out to a real human being, will masturbate till chaffed to pictures of boys at birthday parties, and get caught. but its funny.
why am i laughing at it? since its so real... more expressive, more unrestrictive, more... real. than real life. why do we think of it differently? why is it that a child porn king will get 3 years to 8 in state for kiddie porno, but well bust someone for 20 years that takes pictures of kids in shower facilities? why, in the real world, are the penalties real, but in the 'real' world, they are fake. fake like the people that propagate the internet species of humans. humanus conectivus, man connected. plug it in folks. be the scantily clad whore on the internet, with the breathy voice; and retain 49 year old beer gut and 5 children in the next room in the real world. lets drop all the inhibitions while were at it... lets go for broke...
so i did. this bitch got a piece of my mind.
ME: so thanks for being so shallow, someday it will catch up to you
her: uhmm... excuse me?
ME: you heard me, why deny that the only reason you stopped talking to me was becasue of my picture
her: so what. its not like you are cute or anything
ME: indeed.
her: so yeah, fuck off creep-o
ME: really? i can? let me tell you something... some day when some strange man grabs you in a dark alleyway, and rips down your party panties and strangles you with them, let me know what its like when he "fucks-off" all over your 'pretty' little face
her: what the fuck is wrong with you?
ME: with me? i have a sense of manners that applies to people seen, or unseen, thats whats wrong with me. what you did was shallow, petty and cruel; much the same as my words were to respond to your acts, and did you like that?
her: no. whatever. you are fucked up.
ME: then speak to people with respect; remember someone like you is getting hurt by comments just like the ones you make. so what the fuck is wrong with you? think about that.
.....
then she signed off. maybe ill get reported for a terms of service violation. maybe i just dont care. ive had people like her do that to me for too long. tonight; im in the mood where i just dont give a fuck. she found out. some girl in ohio [accd to her profile] is now scared shitless, and i dont feel any worse for being responsible. the world today is about what the individual wants. gratifying that cheap, chinsey sense of filth we call ego. it revolves around sexual pleasure, mistreatment and power over others and the ability to shirk as much duty and responsibility for thsoe actions as possible. the girl started off looking for sex [or sexually stimulating things], then decided to exercise some aspect of power by witholding the only thing they controlled [conversation] then seeks to relieve all sense of guilt from herself [ I'm the one thats fucked up].
and that is what we have progressed to. arguably we are the progressing pinnacle of advancement and endowment of creativity and success as a culture. we are viable and thriving. yet we thirst so much for the petty, and ignore that which is given to us. we ignore the idea of a person seeking conversation; and seek only the twisted sexual imagery of another 100 degree sack of skin. we have degraded fellow man so much, we can no longer look at him to speak. in life, man must express his true desire to be a social creature, but to never see another man to do it. to make man interact; but not to interact with him. only seek that which this man desires, and not to consider that of another man. man has built up his walls, his advancements, his knowledge of the world; but has lost that which made him human.
the reality of the world has gotten to me, on this dank night. see i can sit and smile... or frown, like i usually do... and make it through life, and the terrible way people treat me; but it doesnt stop me from being the best person i can be. i try not to let it deter me from doing the good and proper thing. like when a certain someone tells me im dumped... what did i do? i sent flowers. doesnt make sense, does it? course not. its not about getting back together, or being walked on. or getting angry at them. its about showing deceny in the face of all things indecent. meeting anger and frustration with an equal dose doesn't get your respect back. do the honorable thing. so she undercut me for some other cute guy? yeah well ill do the respectable thing, and treat her like how she should have treated me, and someday she will see what those flowers meant. its about holding up your sense of right and wrong in this world. for me, it was wrong, so i supplied the right.
for once in your life; get up tomorrow, and do something honorable. do something youd be proud to say you did. do something not a damn person would think to do. do something that someone else isnt expecting you to do. today, i sent 3 birthday cards to people i... 1- a person i havent seen in a year, 1-a person that disowned me as a friend months ago, and 1- to a person who doesnt even know who i am [through the church mailing list]. it aint going to change society. it probably wont change anyone's life. people might make fun of you. they might say youre stupid, youre crazy or youre wasting your time. good. then waste your time doing something good. something descent. something with honor. know that you are infact, capable of doing something upstanding of your self. dont be the girl who cowers on the internet looking for something to fingerbang to at night. be the human on the other end of the line.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Monday, June 02, 2003
BLOGGIN 'ROUND THE WORLD
Below are excerpts from my paper log of the trip to NC State.
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WEDNESDAY 12:30 AM
It's hard to see to write, lots of odd shadows from the TV above me. Everyone else would just get pissed that I'd turn on a light. So I don't. So I sit, struggling to see in the dark. Straining.
The day has been interesting so far. This trip is definitely uneventful, but the ISU are fun. They are either overly talkative and open, or very cold and dickish. Kinda glad to sit in another end of the bus from them actually. Started out from Iowa City after 1pm… late, then stopped at the iowa-80 truck stop. Stupid. Wasted time. Had this been planned, I could have left from my house and met up with them there, it was only 15 minutes from my house. Rather than the hour drive back to Iowa City to drive back to this point, to sit for 20 minutes at the truck stop. I guess this might be the theme emerging. Hope not. But it looks like wastefulness is the name of the game. Maybe ill-preparedness. Both would work. My eyes hurt.
Mainly I've sat through this trip, listening to people arguing and talking the whole way out. Haven’t had much time to myself. That or they’ve been playing stupid movies. Ill die if I ever have to watch Center Stage again. Dinner at Taco Bell was quite possibly a high point of the day. Had to sit with some moron from ISU. She had a drastic lisp, and childish slant to her speech. Couldn’t get past it. One of those pet peeves of mine. Catching the ways people pronounce words. Things like that stand out in my mind, never let go either. Always bugs me when I hear her talk. Type of impediment, where rug is pronounced w-ug; liar is pronounced w-ire. Annoying. Nice girl. Kinda dumb. Cant talk straight. I'm low on patience already. Pro'lly that canned air ive been breathing in all trip. Has that oily texture and scent to it. A stale sense of freshness. A sanitized sense of nature. I could write about that if I could only see what I was doing. But instead I watch little POP-UP towns go by. Those are the kind of towns you only see at night… go by in the day time, and theres nothing there… only at night, do you see the lights from the buildings on the road. A stupid thing I used to think about when I was a kid, doing this kind of thing. Sitting, watching life roll by at 65 miles per hour, while I sit idly with my thoughts..
The arguments are starting up again. Wish they'd stop, and realize how futile it is. Just makes me want to keep my head down. They argue and whine about things they know nothing about. Its funny that way. They fight over what they don’t know, but cant focus on what they are given. God's got to laugh at this sometimes. All in all, though, it makes me wonder what happened to me. At one point in my life id have loved to do what they do; be carefree, and argue till the sun comes up. Now I'm reaching for a new cd. I'm tired, but I need something loud to cover up the crap in the air around me. Somewhere along the way, and not just this trip, I lost a sense of myself… maybe gained some. Its been a long few weeks with finals and all, I wish I could make sense out of it too.
"and the wind cries… Mary. || will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past || and with this crush, its old ages and its wisdom || it knows… this will be the last "
eyes hurt too much now. Can't see. Can't hear. Don’t want to breathe. Claustrophobia isn’t so hard to understand now. People wont let me sleep. Couldn’t get comfortable to even if I could sleep. Its all very aggravating. Trapped in a submarine with these children, knowing the only place were going is down. This trip will show it. I feel it.
WEDNESDAY 9:43 AM
Arrival. Then sitting on the bus. Hurry up and get here to wait. War is like that. 10% action; 90% waiting around for the shit to happen. We've been on the bus for ten minutes… I've got a feeling its going to be a lot longer.
WEDNESDAY 10:27 PM
Delegation meeting. We sat and picked programs to attend. More than a day in advance. Surprise, no one was prepared for it. Why bother. Such a waste of time to do this. I then get told, as one of the only people who bothered to pick out programs that mine should be a No-Go, or someone else is picking a similar one. Who the fuck cares? Different descriptions, different schools, different presenters… it's not the same program. Besides ill go to mine…. I question the ability of some other people to go to theirs. Fucking waste. That’s all this is. Half-wits getting hard-on's, and showing it off. Amazing the amount of intellect you can find… 30 pounds deep in a 10 pound shit sack. I'm glad im too tired to argue with them tonight. That or I've lost the will to.
Tired and stinky. Haven’t gotten a chance to shower in a few days now. Tuesday 6am was the last time, I think. The hours and days mash together… this is really my only way to tell them apart. Its damn near Thursday tho, and I haven’t showered… and im a 1 or 2 a day type guy. So I feel dirty. Then add clouds of people around you, shit awful humidity, soiled surroundings and bus sleep and stink. Nasty. Grimy. That’s how I feel.
Add in the walking too. Nothing but walking here. Need something to do? Walk. Need to go somewhere? Walk. Cant make up your mind? Walk. Tired of walking? Walk it off. Didn’t help taking 2 women with either, on an extended hike. Sorry girls, but it wasn’t that far of a walk. Made it seem like it was out to Egypt. It was maybe 3 miles. But it always seems farther when you don’t know where you're going. I didn’t complain. Made an effort to restrain myself. Someone had to. Just tightened up the laces on the boots and kept going. Just walk it out. Wished id have brough gear with me for the walk. Headphones too.
Back to reality. The concussions of idiot battles loom over the horizon… drawing all those soldiers that hear it, beckoning us to her raging glow, and death of Her fickle nature. Wow be to the man that finds himself to the ends of Her outstretched finger, for his days have ended, and his pain will begin. Battle on idiots!
No better way to phrase this; its all wild and crazy people, then even worse are the people from the confrenece. Our group brings enough in numbers to support a division id imagine. But what do I know? They go to great lengths to discount what I say, to try and show me they know more than me. Its funny. Nearly an hour long argument at dinner tonight about changing job duties and compensation offers for RA's… only 3 of the 6 were qualified to comment. Didn’t stop the rest of them. Nagging, and insulting, it all carried along. Nothing one ups anything elses, and as far off felt first hand knowledge, nothing more of weight was introduced as 'evidence' Im done worrying about them. Done babysitting. Can't be responsible for cleainging up their meses anymore. They’ll find it out soon enough.
THURSDAY 2AM-ISH?
Its hard to imagine why id' have trouble saving my sanity if I followed the lead of these around me. Some leaders. I'd just give up. I guess, I wish to just make it through all of this now. .. to make it back home. I may have wanted more than that out of this at one point in time, but now… now its counting days in a combat zone. Its watching to see who can make it out alive with me… its waiting to see if I can still cut it out in the field. .. if I still have what-ever it takes to be brash, young and stupid once more. I don’t think I do. Its not sad really. I don’t think so. But they all do. That’s what makes it possible to see this as a war. Its me against them. And they think its sad I don’t care about their childish pursuits anymore. Like its no longer a game. How do you play with the children if you refuse their game and their rules? But, they trust me still. I know they do. I know they secretly aspire to what ive done; but a lot of the time it seems regretful. Like they shouldn’t; like they’ve been taught not to… scolded one time too many for it. Gun shy, if you will. But they do all trust me still. Today when a real problem arose; about a real decision to make and they needed a gut check reaction to solve it, they are in my room, looking for me. Once again the general must assume command: even be it from his restraints in the rocking chair by the window where they left him. 4 of them have to approach me to make a decision for the group. But im no longer their leader. Im no longer responsible for them and im no party to the necessary disputes and resolutions at their hands. But they lined up around the room. Stood around my bed, and watched me. Watched me think, watched me analyze. Watched me lead, I suppose. Then they did what I instructed. They listened to a ghost… a figment of the imagination, and they let him lead them once again. Its freightening to see the ends that they all will take for this. T
Maybe it should flatter me. Maybe deep down it does though. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe it just annoys the piss out of me. Maybe I like being annoyed. But all I think about is what would happen if I wasn’t here? If I let them retire me for good? Who then? Man has to consider his legacy.. not juts construct it. But is it less important for his sake as it is for those that remain behind. For those that have to endure and keep conscious the ways of those that walked before them.
This room is absolutely terrible. I will post pictures of the room and shower when they develop… it cant be up to health code. It's not up to ADA code. Fire code? Lots of things I hate…
I like carpeted rooms
I hate mismatched floor tiles
I hate stains on the ceilings
I hate stains on the mattresses worse though
I like single colored walls
I hate like it more when the paint stays on the walls
I hate it when the single color is mold
I hate roaches in my room
I like closet space
I hate inaccessible closet space
I like comfy long beds
I dislike wire trundle beds… with stained mattresses
Overall I wouldn’t let my children live here. This is filth. This is squalid. This is what we describe to people when we think of those living in poverty. Only they'd clean better. The building should have been gutted and renovated 20 years ago. It should have been torn down 10 years ago. 5 years overdue for a bomb to be dropped on it. I noticed a cleaning schedule in the bathroom. It hadn’t been updated since I was in high school… ouch.
Not sure how much we paid for it. But its too much. The fucking elevators don’t even open to your floor. Only between 8 and 9… then you take stairs up to 9 or down to 8. It's disturbing. Mental patients would design a better place. It’s a facility that must house 1000 people. It’s the damndest thing I've ever seen. Nothing here is disabilities compliant. Nothing. Can't see how they can survive as a state entity. Bathrooms don’t have soap dispensers. That’s got to break a law or three. They store the flammable tp on top of the hot air exchange ducts. I'm afraid to look around much more. The fire suppression equipment is rusted. It couldn’t possibly work. But what from 1950 still does? The showers have more mildew than a corpse. And they have the audacity to worry about us damaging the facilities during our stay. We've taken to calling it… the pavillo [Brazilian port for Prison], or the Gulak, sometimes just simply the Cell Block. But in all honesty it's not fair to call it that. It insults the adequate housing prisoners live in everyday, to equate this to it.
Nasty.
More tomorrow. Need to think. Guess ill have to walk to do that.
FRIDAY 1:26 PM
Ugh. They keep causing more frustrations on me. This conference isn’t all that good. I Had to spend most of the night cruising the free hospitality rooms for free food and soda. They’ve managed to screw that up as well. Nearly out of soda, 3 pizzas only on the hour. Crappy chips. The sub sandwiches are good; no one but me seems to be eating them though. But the hospitality room quickly ran out of hospitality. People get angry and rush the room for food. Get pissy when it's out. Even the staff running it was starting to make comments. Ugh. Why?
For entertainment I stayed up talking to the roommate till about 5 am last night. Still not quite a saving grace. It caused me to not get up on time. So I started the day late. God I hate that feeling. Being tired, and still running behind. No matter, even 20 minutes late; NOTHING was running yet. It was like I was right on time. After I walked in, everything started going. Stupid scheduling. Stupid delegates as well. Got bitched at "for always fucking going off by yourself;" gee… with attitudes like that, I wonder why someone would go off on their own? Im surprised most of them hang around together, I really am. They take shots at each other, sit back on the laurels and do nothing until one of htem decides its ok. Then they all do it and complain while doing it. Its really something to behold. Haven’t seem team unity like this since the Bad News Bears movies. And on cue, one bitches at me 2 more join in; bitch and grumble from behind me for several minutes. Clockwork. That’s the best way to describe these people. So what if the clock can't tell time; it can bitch like no tomorrow.
I wonder what "magic" this conference is supposed to be offerings us. I think the brochure lied. There is no magic here. Aside from how the Health Department has magically not shut down those dorms. That’s pure magic. It's that kind of magic that rubs off on my idio--- fellow delegates, how they are blind to certain details around them. Kinda like how they grab my arm and bitch at me when I'm mid stream in conversation with a friend of mine. That friend happens to be the #2 of Housing at Drake University. About 4 feet behind her was the advisor from University of North Dakota. She embarrassed herself, her delegates, and her school with out pausing to open her eyes and see what was going on. Magic. Had to spend 5 minutes apologizing, covering asses of the unworthy. Only because it makes me look bad in front of these people. It's not my fault they can't even PRETEND to be professional even around true professionals. But it reflects on me. Those two people knew who I was. Name and title, and university. One I'd befriended a year before, but the other was a first in-person meeting. Nice way to show class kids. Excellent impression to leave behind. All with an air of magic.
Later in the day it continued on. Their self-selected leaders had no idea where we were going on campus. I corrected them. They complain. So I go. They follow and complain. They knew I'm right, but it doesn’t stop them from bitching. I suppose its ok, I shouldn’t show up their 'leaders' like that. Should just be a lemming like the rest and follow on. But the comments continued. Something about how I should just lead us all if I thought I knew what was going on. I declined. I spat the truth back. I'm not the leader on this excursion, they chose to follow someone else now, its not my responsibility to nurse them along now. Blank looks. More rude comments and grumbling. No one would do me the honor of eye contact or saying them louder than whispers though. I wonder how they ever expect to lead students next year. They can't even lead themselves with a map in hand. But they all know more than me it seems; never mind I lead us to this point for 2 years; without a map; and managed to scrape this group together to what it is. No respect for me for it. No respect for those around them either. I'm glad my term ended a month ago. I'm no longer responsible for them. It feels good. Just as good as this cold rain on my face.
SATURDAY 1:13 AM
A two hour long debate on intellectual property rights, and the "progression" of the civil rights movement. And Soper wasn’t a part of it.
SATURDAY 11:09 AM
Finished the last program of the conference. It was about suicide. I wonder if it will ever be useful to me? Kinda weird to talk about a subject like that when everyone here seem much to happy to think of anything other than Disney Land shit. Program wasn’t much though. But it makes me sit back and think about all the lives that I know are going; because of suicide, just of people that I know. Even decided to speak up at the program about it. It wasn’t as positive as they all would have liked to hear. But what story about suicide is?
I couldn’t understand how it was supposed to be happy in nature; or at least not as happy as they wanted it to be. How people deal with problems, how they deal with problems-- how suicide was something a certain person could flirt with as a solution; to me it doesn’t make sense. Never seems right. They all make excuses for people that opt for it. They choose to live in the wake of people causing destruction to their own life. I choose to see the wrongs of it. After having to watch 2 MALES breakdown and cry in the room; and countless females, I knew I was ready to go. They just cry thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they can agree and think it’s a viable or excusable alternative then; if it brings them all to tears. Suicide doesn’t solve your problems. It just makes everyone else do it for you. These kids also seemed to have a hard time understanding why people don't always leave explanations for it. I don’t even want to start on that one. But it just leaves people with out answers, and leave everyone else and everything behind; it doesn’t solve anything and is never a good answer to anything.
I tired to make the time go faster by thinking about it in my life. All those people I've known. I told the group about a guy from high school…. I'd like to call him my friend; but we never were. He was a cool kid. He chose to die. From the first day he arrived at our school, the counselor's were all over him. He had a self stated wish to die. I've never met anyone quite like him. Even the medication didn’t help much, he told me once. Just makes you numb and hyper. He said it was like putting Icy Hot on you brain. David wanted to end it though. I never quite understood why. Everything I learned about him and pieced together after I had graduated indicated he had no reason to. Just that he wasn’t happy. No one is. But he couldn’t deal with that. He made a lot of progress while I was in high school. I lost contact with him and about him when I graduated thought; hoped he'd pull through it. Promising writer, active in the school paper, like the same music my kind did. He had a devoted circle of friends. Thought everything might be turning around for him. Then about 2 years ago I got the news from a buddy of mine. David turned 18. He drove up river a couple towns. He bought a gun. He came home and killed himself. I shared that kind of thing with them all. That’s how I think of suicide, I told them. You prep fucking assholes with Brittney Spears in the background and flashing cell phones; you aren’t shit. You threaten to kill yourself after a bad day with pills, or cutting yourself. David at least had the guts to make a decision to do it. As much as I hate that he did it. He followed through. No amount of psycho shit helped. Meds didn’t work. Nothing worked. This poor kid wanted to die. That’s all he wanted out of life. The kids in the room couldn’t handle that. The program presenter was floored. They all hope they can put on a program, or make a poster and change the world. Or back some kid off a ledge by doing it. It doesn’t work that way. They can't handle that. David couldn't either.
I didn't think it was really worth me getting into other stories. I used one that stopped them. I could have talked about Mitch, a kid who was somewhat popular, had a hot girlfriend, bad grades, but a good kid. He Hung himself in his garage. Solved all his problems, right? Bullshit. His little brother was the one that found him, swinging by a belt from the rafters in the middle of the afternoon. Then there was Garret. I never got along with him. He was a star football player. Popular kid. He used to ram my head into the lockers in gym class. Yeah, the kid was bigger than me. But I was only a freshman. I'd sit and wonder how I was going to make it through the semester with him doing that to me. About a week later, still early in the fall. Garret was on a bad trip. Bad drugs, acid or x, never heard. But he tried to swallow a shotgun in his parent's basement. His brother was never the same. I knew his brother, before and after. He changed. His family ended up moving, because they couldn’t stand to live there. To this day some girls from my graduating class, the last that would have known him, still visit his grave.
How many stories would it take? How many lives do I have to recount to them, before they can realize what's wrong with it all? How do you convince someone that it's not the way to go about solving problems? That hit me. I thought about someone in particular. How she made an attempt earlier this year. It still makes me angry. I love that girl to pieces, but that’s how she thinks she can solve problems. By making it worse on the people left behind. I'll never agree with it. Most of the remaining time, I sat thinking about her. How I cried when we tried to talk about the next day. How I confessed how much she really meant to me. How it seemed like she didn’t care too much. She was crying. But never stopped what she was doing; packing her stuff to go away. Instead of leaving from the problems I offered her my hand to help deal with them. Instead she just walked away. I think of things like that.
SATURDAY 12:52 PM
Tired. Lunch didn’t wake me up. Even my pal Mt. Dew failed me. 6 Tall glasses of the bastard. No energy. The magic is sucking it out of me I think. Damn the magic.
SATURDAY 2:02 PM
Time for a longer entry? Nah. I showered. Seems like im a bit more awake, but I know it wont last long. Only sleep and sugar can help me now. And sugar struck out once today. Only dinner and awards tonight, and I'm done "experiencing the magic" of this shit hole.
SATURDAY 11:57 PM
Closing ceremonies lasted forever. More of the same shit, just like every other conference. Thanking the same 7 people, giving them creative awards. Polishing turds. Same schools and regions win it all. Upsets. Defeat. Boredom. ISU lost the bid to St. Louis. Ha. They will be a fun bunch on the bus to deal with in a few hours. I hate buses. Our "leaders" decided to run before it was all over tonight, to wait for buses. They blew off the last couple awards just because they didn’t want to wait. Jaws dropped when the left. I was the last one out the door.
They then crammed into line to wait for shuttle buses, with no regard for their squad. Excellent leaders they are. On a battle field, they'd be fragged if the enemy let them live. Terrible way to treat troops, running away for your own satisfaction. I was the last one out the door. I saw them all into line, made sure the stragglers had a bus. They didn’t do it back for me. Not once this conference did they do that. As a leader, I never feel right about leaving one of my own behind. To them its second nature to run away for themselves. To me they aren’t leaders. None of them. And they never will be. The real leader had one sympathizer with him. And we took that last bus out together, stopping to let our Regional Board members on the bus. No one else was in site. No staff. No National Board. No other schools. Just us and them. That’s your lesson kids. Know where the leaders are.
So just like a war, how this whole conference shaped up to feel like in my head, we made that last flight off the embassy roof. Felt good to get out of there. Felt better knowing no one was left behind. The best feeling I'd had in days was watching it shrink in the distance out the window in the cool night around us. Looking around to see the faces of people who knew how I felt. They felt the same.
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Below are excerpts from my paper log of the trip to NC State.
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WEDNESDAY 12:30 AM
It's hard to see to write, lots of odd shadows from the TV above me. Everyone else would just get pissed that I'd turn on a light. So I don't. So I sit, struggling to see in the dark. Straining.
The day has been interesting so far. This trip is definitely uneventful, but the ISU are fun. They are either overly talkative and open, or very cold and dickish. Kinda glad to sit in another end of the bus from them actually. Started out from Iowa City after 1pm… late, then stopped at the iowa-80 truck stop. Stupid. Wasted time. Had this been planned, I could have left from my house and met up with them there, it was only 15 minutes from my house. Rather than the hour drive back to Iowa City to drive back to this point, to sit for 20 minutes at the truck stop. I guess this might be the theme emerging. Hope not. But it looks like wastefulness is the name of the game. Maybe ill-preparedness. Both would work. My eyes hurt.
Mainly I've sat through this trip, listening to people arguing and talking the whole way out. Haven’t had much time to myself. That or they’ve been playing stupid movies. Ill die if I ever have to watch Center Stage again. Dinner at Taco Bell was quite possibly a high point of the day. Had to sit with some moron from ISU. She had a drastic lisp, and childish slant to her speech. Couldn’t get past it. One of those pet peeves of mine. Catching the ways people pronounce words. Things like that stand out in my mind, never let go either. Always bugs me when I hear her talk. Type of impediment, where rug is pronounced w-ug; liar is pronounced w-ire. Annoying. Nice girl. Kinda dumb. Cant talk straight. I'm low on patience already. Pro'lly that canned air ive been breathing in all trip. Has that oily texture and scent to it. A stale sense of freshness. A sanitized sense of nature. I could write about that if I could only see what I was doing. But instead I watch little POP-UP towns go by. Those are the kind of towns you only see at night… go by in the day time, and theres nothing there… only at night, do you see the lights from the buildings on the road. A stupid thing I used to think about when I was a kid, doing this kind of thing. Sitting, watching life roll by at 65 miles per hour, while I sit idly with my thoughts..
The arguments are starting up again. Wish they'd stop, and realize how futile it is. Just makes me want to keep my head down. They argue and whine about things they know nothing about. Its funny that way. They fight over what they don’t know, but cant focus on what they are given. God's got to laugh at this sometimes. All in all, though, it makes me wonder what happened to me. At one point in my life id have loved to do what they do; be carefree, and argue till the sun comes up. Now I'm reaching for a new cd. I'm tired, but I need something loud to cover up the crap in the air around me. Somewhere along the way, and not just this trip, I lost a sense of myself… maybe gained some. Its been a long few weeks with finals and all, I wish I could make sense out of it too.
"and the wind cries… Mary. || will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past || and with this crush, its old ages and its wisdom || it knows… this will be the last "
eyes hurt too much now. Can't see. Can't hear. Don’t want to breathe. Claustrophobia isn’t so hard to understand now. People wont let me sleep. Couldn’t get comfortable to even if I could sleep. Its all very aggravating. Trapped in a submarine with these children, knowing the only place were going is down. This trip will show it. I feel it.
WEDNESDAY 9:43 AM
Arrival. Then sitting on the bus. Hurry up and get here to wait. War is like that. 10% action; 90% waiting around for the shit to happen. We've been on the bus for ten minutes… I've got a feeling its going to be a lot longer.
WEDNESDAY 10:27 PM
Delegation meeting. We sat and picked programs to attend. More than a day in advance. Surprise, no one was prepared for it. Why bother. Such a waste of time to do this. I then get told, as one of the only people who bothered to pick out programs that mine should be a No-Go, or someone else is picking a similar one. Who the fuck cares? Different descriptions, different schools, different presenters… it's not the same program. Besides ill go to mine…. I question the ability of some other people to go to theirs. Fucking waste. That’s all this is. Half-wits getting hard-on's, and showing it off. Amazing the amount of intellect you can find… 30 pounds deep in a 10 pound shit sack. I'm glad im too tired to argue with them tonight. That or I've lost the will to.
Tired and stinky. Haven’t gotten a chance to shower in a few days now. Tuesday 6am was the last time, I think. The hours and days mash together… this is really my only way to tell them apart. Its damn near Thursday tho, and I haven’t showered… and im a 1 or 2 a day type guy. So I feel dirty. Then add clouds of people around you, shit awful humidity, soiled surroundings and bus sleep and stink. Nasty. Grimy. That’s how I feel.
Add in the walking too. Nothing but walking here. Need something to do? Walk. Need to go somewhere? Walk. Cant make up your mind? Walk. Tired of walking? Walk it off. Didn’t help taking 2 women with either, on an extended hike. Sorry girls, but it wasn’t that far of a walk. Made it seem like it was out to Egypt. It was maybe 3 miles. But it always seems farther when you don’t know where you're going. I didn’t complain. Made an effort to restrain myself. Someone had to. Just tightened up the laces on the boots and kept going. Just walk it out. Wished id have brough gear with me for the walk. Headphones too.
Back to reality. The concussions of idiot battles loom over the horizon… drawing all those soldiers that hear it, beckoning us to her raging glow, and death of Her fickle nature. Wow be to the man that finds himself to the ends of Her outstretched finger, for his days have ended, and his pain will begin. Battle on idiots!
No better way to phrase this; its all wild and crazy people, then even worse are the people from the confrenece. Our group brings enough in numbers to support a division id imagine. But what do I know? They go to great lengths to discount what I say, to try and show me they know more than me. Its funny. Nearly an hour long argument at dinner tonight about changing job duties and compensation offers for RA's… only 3 of the 6 were qualified to comment. Didn’t stop the rest of them. Nagging, and insulting, it all carried along. Nothing one ups anything elses, and as far off felt first hand knowledge, nothing more of weight was introduced as 'evidence' Im done worrying about them. Done babysitting. Can't be responsible for cleainging up their meses anymore. They’ll find it out soon enough.
THURSDAY 2AM-ISH?
Its hard to imagine why id' have trouble saving my sanity if I followed the lead of these around me. Some leaders. I'd just give up. I guess, I wish to just make it through all of this now. .. to make it back home. I may have wanted more than that out of this at one point in time, but now… now its counting days in a combat zone. Its watching to see who can make it out alive with me… its waiting to see if I can still cut it out in the field. .. if I still have what-ever it takes to be brash, young and stupid once more. I don’t think I do. Its not sad really. I don’t think so. But they all do. That’s what makes it possible to see this as a war. Its me against them. And they think its sad I don’t care about their childish pursuits anymore. Like its no longer a game. How do you play with the children if you refuse their game and their rules? But, they trust me still. I know they do. I know they secretly aspire to what ive done; but a lot of the time it seems regretful. Like they shouldn’t; like they’ve been taught not to… scolded one time too many for it. Gun shy, if you will. But they do all trust me still. Today when a real problem arose; about a real decision to make and they needed a gut check reaction to solve it, they are in my room, looking for me. Once again the general must assume command: even be it from his restraints in the rocking chair by the window where they left him. 4 of them have to approach me to make a decision for the group. But im no longer their leader. Im no longer responsible for them and im no party to the necessary disputes and resolutions at their hands. But they lined up around the room. Stood around my bed, and watched me. Watched me think, watched me analyze. Watched me lead, I suppose. Then they did what I instructed. They listened to a ghost… a figment of the imagination, and they let him lead them once again. Its freightening to see the ends that they all will take for this. T
Maybe it should flatter me. Maybe deep down it does though. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe it just annoys the piss out of me. Maybe I like being annoyed. But all I think about is what would happen if I wasn’t here? If I let them retire me for good? Who then? Man has to consider his legacy.. not juts construct it. But is it less important for his sake as it is for those that remain behind. For those that have to endure and keep conscious the ways of those that walked before them.
This room is absolutely terrible. I will post pictures of the room and shower when they develop… it cant be up to health code. It's not up to ADA code. Fire code? Lots of things I hate…
I like carpeted rooms
I hate mismatched floor tiles
I hate stains on the ceilings
I hate stains on the mattresses worse though
I like single colored walls
I hate like it more when the paint stays on the walls
I hate it when the single color is mold
I hate roaches in my room
I like closet space
I hate inaccessible closet space
I like comfy long beds
I dislike wire trundle beds… with stained mattresses
Overall I wouldn’t let my children live here. This is filth. This is squalid. This is what we describe to people when we think of those living in poverty. Only they'd clean better. The building should have been gutted and renovated 20 years ago. It should have been torn down 10 years ago. 5 years overdue for a bomb to be dropped on it. I noticed a cleaning schedule in the bathroom. It hadn’t been updated since I was in high school… ouch.
Not sure how much we paid for it. But its too much. The fucking elevators don’t even open to your floor. Only between 8 and 9… then you take stairs up to 9 or down to 8. It's disturbing. Mental patients would design a better place. It’s a facility that must house 1000 people. It’s the damndest thing I've ever seen. Nothing here is disabilities compliant. Nothing. Can't see how they can survive as a state entity. Bathrooms don’t have soap dispensers. That’s got to break a law or three. They store the flammable tp on top of the hot air exchange ducts. I'm afraid to look around much more. The fire suppression equipment is rusted. It couldn’t possibly work. But what from 1950 still does? The showers have more mildew than a corpse. And they have the audacity to worry about us damaging the facilities during our stay. We've taken to calling it… the pavillo [Brazilian port for Prison], or the Gulak, sometimes just simply the Cell Block. But in all honesty it's not fair to call it that. It insults the adequate housing prisoners live in everyday, to equate this to it.
Nasty.
More tomorrow. Need to think. Guess ill have to walk to do that.
FRIDAY 1:26 PM
Ugh. They keep causing more frustrations on me. This conference isn’t all that good. I Had to spend most of the night cruising the free hospitality rooms for free food and soda. They’ve managed to screw that up as well. Nearly out of soda, 3 pizzas only on the hour. Crappy chips. The sub sandwiches are good; no one but me seems to be eating them though. But the hospitality room quickly ran out of hospitality. People get angry and rush the room for food. Get pissy when it's out. Even the staff running it was starting to make comments. Ugh. Why?
For entertainment I stayed up talking to the roommate till about 5 am last night. Still not quite a saving grace. It caused me to not get up on time. So I started the day late. God I hate that feeling. Being tired, and still running behind. No matter, even 20 minutes late; NOTHING was running yet. It was like I was right on time. After I walked in, everything started going. Stupid scheduling. Stupid delegates as well. Got bitched at "for always fucking going off by yourself;" gee… with attitudes like that, I wonder why someone would go off on their own? Im surprised most of them hang around together, I really am. They take shots at each other, sit back on the laurels and do nothing until one of htem decides its ok. Then they all do it and complain while doing it. Its really something to behold. Haven’t seem team unity like this since the Bad News Bears movies. And on cue, one bitches at me 2 more join in; bitch and grumble from behind me for several minutes. Clockwork. That’s the best way to describe these people. So what if the clock can't tell time; it can bitch like no tomorrow.
I wonder what "magic" this conference is supposed to be offerings us. I think the brochure lied. There is no magic here. Aside from how the Health Department has magically not shut down those dorms. That’s pure magic. It's that kind of magic that rubs off on my idio--- fellow delegates, how they are blind to certain details around them. Kinda like how they grab my arm and bitch at me when I'm mid stream in conversation with a friend of mine. That friend happens to be the #2 of Housing at Drake University. About 4 feet behind her was the advisor from University of North Dakota. She embarrassed herself, her delegates, and her school with out pausing to open her eyes and see what was going on. Magic. Had to spend 5 minutes apologizing, covering asses of the unworthy. Only because it makes me look bad in front of these people. It's not my fault they can't even PRETEND to be professional even around true professionals. But it reflects on me. Those two people knew who I was. Name and title, and university. One I'd befriended a year before, but the other was a first in-person meeting. Nice way to show class kids. Excellent impression to leave behind. All with an air of magic.
Later in the day it continued on. Their self-selected leaders had no idea where we were going on campus. I corrected them. They complain. So I go. They follow and complain. They knew I'm right, but it doesn’t stop them from bitching. I suppose its ok, I shouldn’t show up their 'leaders' like that. Should just be a lemming like the rest and follow on. But the comments continued. Something about how I should just lead us all if I thought I knew what was going on. I declined. I spat the truth back. I'm not the leader on this excursion, they chose to follow someone else now, its not my responsibility to nurse them along now. Blank looks. More rude comments and grumbling. No one would do me the honor of eye contact or saying them louder than whispers though. I wonder how they ever expect to lead students next year. They can't even lead themselves with a map in hand. But they all know more than me it seems; never mind I lead us to this point for 2 years; without a map; and managed to scrape this group together to what it is. No respect for me for it. No respect for those around them either. I'm glad my term ended a month ago. I'm no longer responsible for them. It feels good. Just as good as this cold rain on my face.
SATURDAY 1:13 AM
A two hour long debate on intellectual property rights, and the "progression" of the civil rights movement. And Soper wasn’t a part of it.
SATURDAY 11:09 AM
Finished the last program of the conference. It was about suicide. I wonder if it will ever be useful to me? Kinda weird to talk about a subject like that when everyone here seem much to happy to think of anything other than Disney Land shit. Program wasn’t much though. But it makes me sit back and think about all the lives that I know are going; because of suicide, just of people that I know. Even decided to speak up at the program about it. It wasn’t as positive as they all would have liked to hear. But what story about suicide is?
I couldn’t understand how it was supposed to be happy in nature; or at least not as happy as they wanted it to be. How people deal with problems, how they deal with problems-- how suicide was something a certain person could flirt with as a solution; to me it doesn’t make sense. Never seems right. They all make excuses for people that opt for it. They choose to live in the wake of people causing destruction to their own life. I choose to see the wrongs of it. After having to watch 2 MALES breakdown and cry in the room; and countless females, I knew I was ready to go. They just cry thinking about it. Makes me wonder how they can agree and think it’s a viable or excusable alternative then; if it brings them all to tears. Suicide doesn’t solve your problems. It just makes everyone else do it for you. These kids also seemed to have a hard time understanding why people don't always leave explanations for it. I don’t even want to start on that one. But it just leaves people with out answers, and leave everyone else and everything behind; it doesn’t solve anything and is never a good answer to anything.
I tired to make the time go faster by thinking about it in my life. All those people I've known. I told the group about a guy from high school…. I'd like to call him my friend; but we never were. He was a cool kid. He chose to die. From the first day he arrived at our school, the counselor's were all over him. He had a self stated wish to die. I've never met anyone quite like him. Even the medication didn’t help much, he told me once. Just makes you numb and hyper. He said it was like putting Icy Hot on you brain. David wanted to end it though. I never quite understood why. Everything I learned about him and pieced together after I had graduated indicated he had no reason to. Just that he wasn’t happy. No one is. But he couldn’t deal with that. He made a lot of progress while I was in high school. I lost contact with him and about him when I graduated thought; hoped he'd pull through it. Promising writer, active in the school paper, like the same music my kind did. He had a devoted circle of friends. Thought everything might be turning around for him. Then about 2 years ago I got the news from a buddy of mine. David turned 18. He drove up river a couple towns. He bought a gun. He came home and killed himself. I shared that kind of thing with them all. That’s how I think of suicide, I told them. You prep fucking assholes with Brittney Spears in the background and flashing cell phones; you aren’t shit. You threaten to kill yourself after a bad day with pills, or cutting yourself. David at least had the guts to make a decision to do it. As much as I hate that he did it. He followed through. No amount of psycho shit helped. Meds didn’t work. Nothing worked. This poor kid wanted to die. That’s all he wanted out of life. The kids in the room couldn’t handle that. The program presenter was floored. They all hope they can put on a program, or make a poster and change the world. Or back some kid off a ledge by doing it. It doesn’t work that way. They can't handle that. David couldn't either.
I didn't think it was really worth me getting into other stories. I used one that stopped them. I could have talked about Mitch, a kid who was somewhat popular, had a hot girlfriend, bad grades, but a good kid. He Hung himself in his garage. Solved all his problems, right? Bullshit. His little brother was the one that found him, swinging by a belt from the rafters in the middle of the afternoon. Then there was Garret. I never got along with him. He was a star football player. Popular kid. He used to ram my head into the lockers in gym class. Yeah, the kid was bigger than me. But I was only a freshman. I'd sit and wonder how I was going to make it through the semester with him doing that to me. About a week later, still early in the fall. Garret was on a bad trip. Bad drugs, acid or x, never heard. But he tried to swallow a shotgun in his parent's basement. His brother was never the same. I knew his brother, before and after. He changed. His family ended up moving, because they couldn’t stand to live there. To this day some girls from my graduating class, the last that would have known him, still visit his grave.
How many stories would it take? How many lives do I have to recount to them, before they can realize what's wrong with it all? How do you convince someone that it's not the way to go about solving problems? That hit me. I thought about someone in particular. How she made an attempt earlier this year. It still makes me angry. I love that girl to pieces, but that’s how she thinks she can solve problems. By making it worse on the people left behind. I'll never agree with it. Most of the remaining time, I sat thinking about her. How I cried when we tried to talk about the next day. How I confessed how much she really meant to me. How it seemed like she didn’t care too much. She was crying. But never stopped what she was doing; packing her stuff to go away. Instead of leaving from the problems I offered her my hand to help deal with them. Instead she just walked away. I think of things like that.
SATURDAY 12:52 PM
Tired. Lunch didn’t wake me up. Even my pal Mt. Dew failed me. 6 Tall glasses of the bastard. No energy. The magic is sucking it out of me I think. Damn the magic.
SATURDAY 2:02 PM
Time for a longer entry? Nah. I showered. Seems like im a bit more awake, but I know it wont last long. Only sleep and sugar can help me now. And sugar struck out once today. Only dinner and awards tonight, and I'm done "experiencing the magic" of this shit hole.
SATURDAY 11:57 PM
Closing ceremonies lasted forever. More of the same shit, just like every other conference. Thanking the same 7 people, giving them creative awards. Polishing turds. Same schools and regions win it all. Upsets. Defeat. Boredom. ISU lost the bid to St. Louis. Ha. They will be a fun bunch on the bus to deal with in a few hours. I hate buses. Our "leaders" decided to run before it was all over tonight, to wait for buses. They blew off the last couple awards just because they didn’t want to wait. Jaws dropped when the left. I was the last one out the door.
They then crammed into line to wait for shuttle buses, with no regard for their squad. Excellent leaders they are. On a battle field, they'd be fragged if the enemy let them live. Terrible way to treat troops, running away for your own satisfaction. I was the last one out the door. I saw them all into line, made sure the stragglers had a bus. They didn’t do it back for me. Not once this conference did they do that. As a leader, I never feel right about leaving one of my own behind. To them its second nature to run away for themselves. To me they aren’t leaders. None of them. And they never will be. The real leader had one sympathizer with him. And we took that last bus out together, stopping to let our Regional Board members on the bus. No one else was in site. No staff. No National Board. No other schools. Just us and them. That’s your lesson kids. Know where the leaders are.
So just like a war, how this whole conference shaped up to feel like in my head, we made that last flight off the embassy roof. Felt good to get out of there. Felt better knowing no one was left behind. The best feeling I'd had in days was watching it shrink in the distance out the window in the cool night around us. Looking around to see the faces of people who knew how I felt. They felt the same.
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Sunday, June 01, 2003
nacurh stuff is still comming.... give me a chance people... its was about 20 pages handwritten.. i am trying to edit it down to the highlights... or atleast what i think was more interesting than my usual ramblings. either way, its about half-done. id expect it to post sometime mid-next week or so, if anyone is watching for it explicitly.
other things.
life.
interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.
then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.
so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.
i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...
then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.
i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.
then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.
i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.
i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.
that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.
im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?
i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?
i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.
other things.
life.
interesting topic. its something that i respect greatly, but speaking of lightly. nothing something i know much about either. at least i never thought i did. i always thought i was just something less than average, something that would probably pass for normality, if youd ever stop to look at it. that way, i guess, id rarely be put in a position to have to deal with alot of other things in my life, that really i wouldnt want to... or know how to deal with them. it makes sense to me that way. i know how to deal with my life... not with yours. so ive tried, a great deal, to keep to that premise. stick to my own life. not any negativity to anyone elses life; but just leave it to yourselves. i am busy attempting to coordinate my own.
then a little thing happened. then somewhere something was put into mylife that i couldnt much turn away from. something i had to deal with directly; and im still trying my best to. i thought it was behind me. but it appears now, its come to be a part of my life. that thing is someone elses life. that something is how they view it all.
so i guess thats the short answer to it all, before i even venture to get into it... its their life; and i guess ill never understand it. but in the context of my own... it all began on an afternoon months ago, when they first made an attempt [while a part of my life] to undertake suicide. (oddly enough, its a latin combination... from the preposition sui- for self, and suffix cide- for kill... litteraly self-kill). suicide is something that ive never understood much. i guess i can try to understand someone that does it when you look at their surrounding life; but ive always had a hard time agreeing with their choices. especially when they are young. such is the case now. when someone you care about threatens to, then attempts that; its not easy to deal with it. when it happened then, i didnt quite know how to act. again; my life, not yours. not used to dealing with you all. just myself. anyway, i got angry. for once in my life id met someone i really liked, really started to care about. really made an effort to get to know; and everything just happened so perfectly. then they want to kill themself.
i did honestly think i could have been the problem. i know now thats not right, and its not a way to look at it. but it did then. kind of does now. its hard to make much sense out of this in the first place; then try to understand it when you dont know anything about whats going on. all i know is myself, and who i thought i knew. so i was guilty. i was angry. i was totally confused. and i was heartbroken. i didnt have words to describe how i felt to her about it. i cried. i know it didnt help. but i didnt have much of any other way to relay my feelings. i wanted to them to know how i felt. that it was wrong for them to do that. and regardless of other people, at least i would always care for them unconditionally. but i dont know if thats the way i should have approached it either. at the time i did. up until a few days ago i thought so. then...
then a few days ago, she did it again. the difference was, this time we werent together; this time she wasnt a part of my life. this time when it happened, she was truely alone with those that were causing her those feelings. and i couldnt understand that either. i couldnt understand trying to stay alone in solitude with that going on. even i, the quiet verbose one, would probably have sought out someone else if my situtation was like that. they did not. and that confused me. almost as much as the last message she sent. keeping in mind she had broken up wiht me on rather messy terms about 3 weeks previous, and we really hadnt talked much; but i get a message telling me she had, and always would love me. it spooked me. not that it couldnt be sincere, and id like to think that it is, but because of the timing of it. it didnt make me feel right. i called her back. the line was silent in the background, she didnt say much, and sobbed once. i told her i wanted to talk to her. she wouldnt say anything. i told her i cared and i was worried about her. all she wanted to say was goodbye. then she hung up.
i got scared. i knew what she was going to do. so between several friends we kept trying to call her to get more information; we found out shed sent similar messages to people. she needed help. unfortunately, none of us are close enough to help. i guess thats the kind of help she needs. people physically being there. living 5 hours away, id have never known that. but no one got answers back. that confused some; but not me. i knew i had to take the next step and intervene. so i called their local police department to warn them about it. but without much information to go on, they couldnt help. other than watching for a car of her type, with someone fitting her description. then i called her parents. ill never understand why. her mom chewed me out. insulted me. inquisitioned me. asked me who the hell i was, then if id slept with her daughter. then yelled at me for questioning the love she had for her. ill never understand that either. here i am, calling long distance, frantic, to tell a parent to find their child and check on them for a serious reason-- because they were going to hurt themself-- and i was being degraded and insulted... then hung up on.
then that was the last anyone heard for quite some time. it killed me. nearly. i kept calling her phone, no answers. no one knew anything else, and i was just scared. had a ball just sitting between my stomach and my throat that kept see-sawing back and forth. i hated the feeling of not knowing, and of not being able to do anything. i hated the amount of disregard someone can show for all those of us that care, to attempt something like that. i hate how much control they think they have to have in their life, to go that far. and i felt guilty.
i know i shouldnt have. i know now that i had little to have changed to make an outcome better. doesnt mean ill ever stop thinking that i could have. i want to think to myself that they could wake up some time. just wake up from it all. like everything that was going on was a bad dream, and just see with open eyes the number of people that DO care about her, that are standing around waiting. but its not like that. its a nightmare, for her and for us. as someone on the outside; that cant do much, it feels terrible. because ill never know i have any effect on her, or that she'll ever recognize how much i may care and worry about her. instead all i can hear is the sound of the phone clicking off in my hand. then the sound of my phone hitting the floor when i drop it.
i guess alot of things in life arent supposed to be fair. arent supposed to be right. lots of times we'll all get fucked on, and have no recourse for it. just take a shit shower. some times its going to keep raining. but sometimes the sun shines. and it is always bright. sometimes it shines for a long time; but we never see it; or look at it much until the rain is done. until were ready to emerge from under the dark skies above us. and i guess id love to be able to do something about that. i know i cant. and thats a part of life too. part of my life now, is learning how i cant help others even if i want to. ive seen how much it hurts other people, and now ive felt how much it hurts to care for someone else. and im not sure how i feel about it. i know its the right thing to do. i know that you have to stand strong for someone, especially in times like that for them. but its hard. there is no reinforcement. no prizes. no awards. rarely a thankyou. i suppose the best i could have hopped for did happen.... she was ok.
that took a load off me. not from my shoulders, not up here. but lower. down near your gut. but higher. right off your soul. its heavy. its like carrying rocks... granite dipped in steel. all strapped around your heart, dragging it down through your soul; when you wait out in the dark evening for an answer. its hard now, to even think that its gone. because its not. dont get me wrong, i almost cried when i heard that she was ok. but i know none of this is over. i know there are going to be dark days again. and i know when you come out of the tunnel, the light may be bright; so bright you might look back into the tunnel where the darkness was easy. where if it hurts, no one ever saw it. i hate that part of life. the part that people wont release. the part that they torture themselves over, and hold in. the part thats terrible, foul and dark. the stuff no one wants to hear, but everyone has heard before. the part that makes life as dynamic as we want it to be.
im not even sure how to say anything. numbness doesnt have much of a voice. i feel that way. like the player that hits a homerun to tie the game, to watch the next batter strike out to loose it. that maybe everything ive put in isnt worth it. and in the end, its just going to be another game. another fight. on another day. and its not even my life. its someone elses. i guess i could walk away. i was given my marching orders several weeks ago. i was to "Never fucking talk to me again." i broke that rule. was sweared at when i asked to see them before i left, and hungup on when trying to explain myself. pretty clear i suppose. to most people. but not me. not in my life. to me that was bullshit. that was a defense mechanism. even if it was legitmately stated. i wished that it could make sense. but it doesnt. not to anyone else. not even to her, why i do what i do. but i see a person that needs someone. i see a person that is screaming for help, and how can i resist? how could i go on with my life, with out helping someone else in their life?
i guess in the end, i want my life to mean something. i want to be able to say that i did some good. i know ive done bad. maybe thats what is motivating me to do something good. maybe its some Cowboy complex, where i have to go tear-assing around looking for people to help. i thought back alot, when this was going on, to the other girls ive dated in the past. alot of them have been off. 2 have seen time in therapy, 1 was on medication. thats not a thing to be happy with. always with someone else with problems. but maybe thats ok. maybe thats how its supposed to work. in some cruel game of God's, maybe my life is stable enough, maybe im calm and secure enough, that i can be a pillar for people. for those that need something to draw from. maybe thats wrong too. it sure doesnt seem fair. even the strongest pillar will fall sometime, with enough weight or pressure. and what will i have to show for it?
i guess ill have those things that ive tried to do for others, as testament to my standing. knowing that ive done every trick, exhausted every resource in search of helping another human being; and maybe... just maybe. did a little bit of good for someone else. maybe that is all ill ever have to show for my existence, when some day im laying in a pile. but right now, im not looking to that day. im only looking to my next. im looking for a way to repay God, for the prayer he answered for me for once. to help a little girl somewhere with her life, when i could not. deep down there is a little girl, full of peace, joy and serenity thats struggling against all of this in her life. i wanted to know that someone else agreed with me, that her life is one worth saving. and God agreed. and for now i have to walk away. for now i have my life, and thats all i have. i have my thoughts. i have my wishes. and i have my prayers, most certainly. and all of them have hope. hope for someone to make it though this in her life, to dodge the raindrops, and wait for the sunshine that is comming for her.
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