EDITED
with out a doubt; yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. i cant remember a day where everything hurt so bad. ive had bad days, bad times; terrible weeks; none of it compared to yesterday. yesterday everything eventually hit the fan with the one person ive cared about in 4 years. i wanted so desparately for things to work out; i really, really cared about this person. i spent my time thinking about her, and did my best everything that i could to make life better for her. she had a bad day; i went out of my way to try to cheer her up; something was going wrong; i did what ever i could to help make things right. somewhere along the way i lost my heart to her. so it hearts to have my heart yanked out back and forth all day before we finally finish it off. and i feel like crap by the end of the day. i wanted to salvage something with her. she really is too special of a person to let go; and like i told her, with tears in my eyes, even if we couldnt have a relationship right now [because she said we couldnt have one] i still wanted to be a part of her life; and i want her to be a part of mine. i got a fairly cold stare for it. i dont know why. everything i ever said to her i meant; how beautiful she was, how special she was, how much i really enjoyed her; and that i loved her. all of it. i have to think that everything she ever told me was also true; how i was the best person that ever happened to her, how she truely loved me, how i broke down every barrier she put up to keep people away. and it ends up with me being blocked and such. typical way to ward scott off. everyone does it. everyone also tells me i shouldnt be sad at all. everyone tells me i should be happy to be done with her, that all she ever did was treat me bad, and hurt me. thats not true. for once and all, i wish i could tell everyone that she really is a great person. i dont wish any harm to her, she was awesome at times. she totally complimented everything there was about me; she was just dropped into my life; and i really thanked God for every second with her. and i miss her now. but when didnt i? ive always missed a person like her in my life. ive always wanted someone who could be there for me like she used to be. but i truely missed her. someone that would smile like she would; that was content to sit and hold my hand. who was excited to be with me, and excited me to see. the last few weeks i dont count. i dont think about the fighting or whatever else went wrong; i think of everything that was right about her and about us. thats why i miss her. thats probably why it hurts. i feel like that, those memories, those times, the idea of making it work; were all the things ripped out of my heart yesterday. and really for no reason. i guess things are going wrong in her life. i wanted to be there for her, i wanted to help in whatever way i could, and i dont know what. then i found out about this other guy. this other guy that now is replacing me in her mind; and surely all the things ive done for her will disappear, and that hurts me the most. that im just someone to throw aside; that my heart and my emotions were nothing of consideration; just something idle going on. background noise. things to move on through. i feel like shit. i hurt inside. my heart actually aches. i couldnt move yesterday. i spent 2 hours on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, crying. i was just thinking about her, and it just came to me. and i couldnt stop. yesterday just wouldnt end. when we had the items trade, i tried to talk to her. she didnt want to hear anything from me; didnt want to care. i did. i lost it again, and cried in front of her. second time ive ever done that to a female. both times were with her. i felt bad for myself, and for loosing out on her. all i wanted was to tell her i want her to stay in my life. ive never felt so strongly about someone before, totally through and through. lots of nights we sit together and about about everything. and i want her back. i want that person that wanted to be part of my life; that i let in. i want that person who did let me in her life; but wanted me back out. there never were problems with us, it was always something else. so i felt bad for her. she will be going through all this alone, i thought, with no one there to help. i wish that shed unblock me, i wish that we could talk. i wish i could go back to hugging her and wiping away her tears. even if not, i wish she could get over everything; its taken me all day, but im getting there; and see me for what i really wanted. i wanted her, no doubt, but i want to make her complete. i never wanted to hurt her; i never wanted to yell; i think the only time i raised my voice was that one weekend when when It happened. and it wasnt that i was mean to her; i just had to get through. that was the very day i realized how much i wanted you. i wanted to keep you free from harm, to hold and comfort you. to kiss you and make you happy; just like we used to. but nothing worked out the way i wanted, and its pretty easy to tell. shes not a whore, so if you think that please do not. shes not necessarily a liar; just some times the truth just cant come up on the first try for reasons she wont say. i understood her so well; shes not a bad person; i wish i was with her still; all that i regret from her, is how she made me feel all day. i felt that strongly about someone, and cared that much, and all it did was hurt. all the sides of her, that no one else ever saw; the things that i love about her, the things that i will miss; are all the things i cant describe... little looks, thoughts, that first kiss. i wish we could work things out. i wish she would see the future i see with her. i hope that soon she calls. i miss her in my life, and i worry about her most of all. i wish shed realize everything i did for her, and not be angry or embarrased. i did them out of love, respect, and compassion. i hope you read the letter i wrote to you, because you meant that much to me. i hope you dont laugh or get angry about it; its everything i kept in side that i wanted to work with you on. the little things, like that present; was not meant to get her back; only to make her happy, to give resolve to her panic. i bought that for her a couple weeks ago, its sat in my closet, i didnt know what else to do. i wanted to give it to her on the last time that we met, so thats had something to take home with her, something more than just a picture of us. when she would be all alone; i gave her something to watch; when she would feel by herself, i wanted her to think of me. not that i was angry, mad or uneventfully, just that i see her now and then, special, beautiful and happily. but it was the longest day of my life, with just an hours sleep; where she never left my mind; and only her i wanted to see. but nothing works out right for me, nothing ever will. all my hopes my dreams my struggles, still will go uncarred for.
God why did you send this angel, just to have her go away? why bother to fuck with me; and move around a map; make me dance in cirlces, just to prove i can? why make me love someone that would leave me like she did? why give me the pain of separation, after all i had to give? why is it now im lonely, and cant sit in with people? why cant you give me something permanent? a girl you wont take away? one that wants to be with me, and never, ever go astray? why did i invest all my time and heart, for someone that wants out? why cant she see me for who i am for her, instead she goes out. Lord you answered my prayers once before, when i called to you and said how lonely that i was... that i needed someone in my life, 4 years had been too long. then from nowhere she comes to my life; and brings me all this joy, awakens up a loving spirit, makes me proud to be a boy. proud to be a young man, that wore his heart upon his sleeve, proud to cry to the girl he loved without berevity. i wait for some kind of answer Lord, though one will never come; give me a girl that i can love, that wants to love me more. why is it these things always hurt me? why must i be the one? can it Lord, for once be only fun. i tried to hold up each of your rules; i said no to sex and booze; i supported her as she were my own lord, and never wasnt i true? can no one see my pain or grief God, but let it come to me; for each day that she was with me; i still thank Thee who resides above. Lord just grant me this; and please give some followthrough; give me someone that will want me; make it all come true. project my dreams, and kill my lonleiness, return to me Lord, a fair angelic face to caress. i never wished to use her Lord, or let any one do that; i spent my time my heart entrusted to make her free from crap. I watched her be happy; and i wanted to ensure it; i fought with her Oh Lord, to make it all revisit; to make it through the layers of barbs, she put around her heart; to have her watch me bleeding, then to realize my start. that hurting myself in the short gain; only would bring us closer in the long game. i wanted in Lord, and i let her in; she could quite see how; that someone should be willing to; deal with out her now. with no reason to love her; i still surely do; i make my heart open, although i may be blue. sad and angry Lord, alone i am again; without my girl, you gave me, i only wonder when. soon i hope, not more years, where one will come to me; to stay with me forever and see the things i wish to be. I wished shed come and smile more; and see what i had meant for; Lord give my heart to someone, and let her know just what i've done. let her know that ill love her true; dont let me rot to death; old age comes quickly Lord, let me enjoy life with her embrace. someone i can share my life with; just like i did with her; all those late night rendezous, all the hours i spend with you. id never ask for any of it back; they meant too much to you and me; its something now you can keep with you, to remind you where ill be. always waiting for your return; waiting for that which to learn. Lord i wish you'd make amends, and fix things like i tried; and make just this one more girl; see it, me, in her eyes. that though i maybe be ugly, wretched, cruel and foul; Lord i do my best to provide for her; even with my heart upon the ground. she made me cry, tears still come; shes perfect Lord, so then who is the one? the one that can not be for me, Lord i ask thee, grant for me. just one wish, one idle prayer, the thing i always ask at night; petty and shallow it may be, but a girl that will love me right. one, lord that im not affraid to introduce, just like this one Lord, but without the noose. it hung around my neck, and the gallows were built slow; Lord you made me hang myself; with love, feeling, amor.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
you all want to read the internet, read this
I AM SORRY. I AM DEEPLY SORRY TO ERIN LEMANSKI FOR WHAT I MAY HAVE SAID HERE.
i was in a mood all day, from when i got up to when i finally ate yesterday. after thinking about it so long, i came to the conclusion that i was pissed. i was tired of everything working out against me, of everything being unilateral; i had no decision in what happens; and then once we do talk about our relationship; i find out from a table of people that its now been made known that we are no longer together. which wasnt at all true. and that lit me off. so i sat and was frustrated. and i left for 2 hours to think. then i came back then i left to sit and write. i wrote about all the things you meant to me and how those still meant something to me. in short, i wasnt prepared to let this go by, i wanted to talk to hear about us, and make that decision. at the time, it was to end it. doesnt help when i find out about some random guy being now included, making remarks about having sex with mygirlfriend, after meeting her on the internet. ill admit that made me mad. ill also admit im not willing to forgive the mistakes others make without reason. no, blowing me off and never answering me, avoiding me didnt have a reason. neither did neglecting what i wanted, to go out and spend time freely, to have dinner with you, to be seen as a couple. im still angry, and im still amiss to why it happens.
then i talked with a friend. a friend i hadnt seen in 5 years, that i havent talked to in over a year. a friend that randomly IM's me to hear about my life in this year of absence; and for whatever reason, you are the first words out of my mouth. not my job, not school, not my friends or family; but you. she wanted to know more. i told her. then she stopped me. she told me all the things that i always do. then i thought back to every relationship ive ever been in; and how ive done things in the past. how ive been reluctant to look at issue from a different vantage. how maybe some of the things that went on, happened for reasons i wouldnt think about. and how i push issues. how im the biggest detriment to most relationships. maybe not this one, but i have been. how maybe i dont see things as my fault when they are; and for being too forgiving for things that werent my fault. we stayed on the phone over 2 hours; and before i had the chance to drop my previous thoughts, clean the slate here, and appologize to you; which i started to as soon as it hit me on the phone. something along the lines of " hey. I LOVE YOU. im sorry for things and what i may have done, i want you to do well on the paper, i miss you. " then i get told to never talk to you again. right when i make a realization how i see what I could have done wrong; you cut me off. no excuses, no reasons, wont listen to me. no chances. unlike the chances ive given you. unlike the times when i swallowed my pride, and took out another chance for you when others wouldnt have given it. i cant get the same back. maybe it wouldnt have fixed anything for us. maybe i wasnt even right with what i realized. but that i was going to suck it up, and take out another chance when i maybe i shouldnt have; how am i met? with some guy, who says he met you on the internet a couple days ago, who slept with you last night, and is sleeping with you tonight. thats what i get to dream about. how does that earn sympathy from me? how can i drop what i could have carried, to be understanding about your life, and how everything is going wrong for you; and how awful it is for you, and to truely want to do something about it; when thats what answers me? im frustrated, i have relatives dying as well, i have classes and i have a relationship with you i wanted to keep going, and im not turning around to let someone from the internet answer my life. and i surely would never have someone find out that way. we werent even broken up, and this person is claiming to have sex with my girlfriend, from your computer; trying to instruct me on whats good and proper about relationships; claiming not to be in the middle, but separating me from you. how is that to earn sympathy from me? but thats how im rewarded for wanting to make amends. thats how i get treated for wanting to extend friendship, conceed to being wrong, even if i wasnt, and sit at the table in peace to work things out. good night.
I AM SORRY. I AM DEEPLY SORRY TO ERIN LEMANSKI FOR WHAT I MAY HAVE SAID HERE.
i was in a mood all day, from when i got up to when i finally ate yesterday. after thinking about it so long, i came to the conclusion that i was pissed. i was tired of everything working out against me, of everything being unilateral; i had no decision in what happens; and then once we do talk about our relationship; i find out from a table of people that its now been made known that we are no longer together. which wasnt at all true. and that lit me off. so i sat and was frustrated. and i left for 2 hours to think. then i came back then i left to sit and write. i wrote about all the things you meant to me and how those still meant something to me. in short, i wasnt prepared to let this go by, i wanted to talk to hear about us, and make that decision. at the time, it was to end it. doesnt help when i find out about some random guy being now included, making remarks about having sex with mygirlfriend, after meeting her on the internet. ill admit that made me mad. ill also admit im not willing to forgive the mistakes others make without reason. no, blowing me off and never answering me, avoiding me didnt have a reason. neither did neglecting what i wanted, to go out and spend time freely, to have dinner with you, to be seen as a couple. im still angry, and im still amiss to why it happens.
then i talked with a friend. a friend i hadnt seen in 5 years, that i havent talked to in over a year. a friend that randomly IM's me to hear about my life in this year of absence; and for whatever reason, you are the first words out of my mouth. not my job, not school, not my friends or family; but you. she wanted to know more. i told her. then she stopped me. she told me all the things that i always do. then i thought back to every relationship ive ever been in; and how ive done things in the past. how ive been reluctant to look at issue from a different vantage. how maybe some of the things that went on, happened for reasons i wouldnt think about. and how i push issues. how im the biggest detriment to most relationships. maybe not this one, but i have been. how maybe i dont see things as my fault when they are; and for being too forgiving for things that werent my fault. we stayed on the phone over 2 hours; and before i had the chance to drop my previous thoughts, clean the slate here, and appologize to you; which i started to as soon as it hit me on the phone. something along the lines of " hey. I LOVE YOU. im sorry for things and what i may have done, i want you to do well on the paper, i miss you. " then i get told to never talk to you again. right when i make a realization how i see what I could have done wrong; you cut me off. no excuses, no reasons, wont listen to me. no chances. unlike the chances ive given you. unlike the times when i swallowed my pride, and took out another chance for you when others wouldnt have given it. i cant get the same back. maybe it wouldnt have fixed anything for us. maybe i wasnt even right with what i realized. but that i was going to suck it up, and take out another chance when i maybe i shouldnt have; how am i met? with some guy, who says he met you on the internet a couple days ago, who slept with you last night, and is sleeping with you tonight. thats what i get to dream about. how does that earn sympathy from me? how can i drop what i could have carried, to be understanding about your life, and how everything is going wrong for you; and how awful it is for you, and to truely want to do something about it; when thats what answers me? im frustrated, i have relatives dying as well, i have classes and i have a relationship with you i wanted to keep going, and im not turning around to let someone from the internet answer my life. and i surely would never have someone find out that way. we werent even broken up, and this person is claiming to have sex with my girlfriend, from your computer; trying to instruct me on whats good and proper about relationships; claiming not to be in the middle, but separating me from you. how is that to earn sympathy from me? but thats how im rewarded for wanting to make amends. thats how i get treated for wanting to extend friendship, conceed to being wrong, even if i wasnt, and sit at the table in peace to work things out. good night.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
"YEAH, WELL CHARLIE DON'T SURF!" [actually from the night before; Blogger wouldnt post]
Current Musical Selection: Rob Zombie - House of 1000 Corpses.
Movies man. Movies. had to listen to this song, its Rob's opus for his new movie, which opened this past weekend; ive been counting down its release for a year and a half, from its movement back and forth to different release companies, to script changes, to the trailer release, to the date bump back; to now its release. damn you nick for getting to see it; i wish i could have. its supposed to be the damdest gorefest horror movie to hit the screen in a long while... much along the lines of Night Of The Living Dead, etc; it was his goal to recreate the movies he enjoyed as a kid, coupled with his lust for the dead and rotting. and im missing it. its a movie i wanted to take someone with; i dont even bother asking at this point. ill sit through it by myself i suppose. cant trust people for anything anymore. ---- thats right Rob;
movies tho. lately its been about movies. im re-watching Apocalypse Now Redux for about the 30th time; for a class screening. im amazed every time i sit through it. its one of those few movies in the last... 40 years maybe,... that you really should treat yourself to. the story is disturbing, the plot is thick and metaphoric, yet straightforward; the visuals are astounding for something thats over 20 years old; and you cant be the acting... Harrison Ford, Laurence Fishbourne, Robert Duvall, not to mention Martin Sheen and T H E Marlon Brando. really is a great movie. i got excited waiting for it to start. got the same chills when Duvall lets his line rip;
Kilgore: You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end... [cant finish line, walks away disgruntled]
i was going right along with it, especially when the phrase: "BUT CHARLIE DON'T SURF" came up. god i love it. film makers should quit now. no war movies can capture the surreal qualities of combat and the mystique of the human animal like Francis Ford did with this one; sure they can improve the surroundings of war; yes they can come up with more and more compelling story lines, and ofcourse the special effects are only going to improve; but this movie tops my list; all time. its one of the greats.
Current Musical Selection: Rob Zombie - House of 1000 Corpses.
Movies man. Movies. had to listen to this song, its Rob's opus for his new movie, which opened this past weekend; ive been counting down its release for a year and a half, from its movement back and forth to different release companies, to script changes, to the trailer release, to the date bump back; to now its release. damn you nick for getting to see it; i wish i could have. its supposed to be the damdest gorefest horror movie to hit the screen in a long while... much along the lines of Night Of The Living Dead, etc; it was his goal to recreate the movies he enjoyed as a kid, coupled with his lust for the dead and rotting. and im missing it. its a movie i wanted to take someone with; i dont even bother asking at this point. ill sit through it by myself i suppose. cant trust people for anything anymore. ---- thats right Rob;
movies tho. lately its been about movies. im re-watching Apocalypse Now Redux for about the 30th time; for a class screening. im amazed every time i sit through it. its one of those few movies in the last... 40 years maybe,... that you really should treat yourself to. the story is disturbing, the plot is thick and metaphoric, yet straightforward; the visuals are astounding for something thats over 20 years old; and you cant be the acting... Harrison Ford, Laurence Fishbourne, Robert Duvall, not to mention Martin Sheen and T H E Marlon Brando. really is a great movie. i got excited waiting for it to start. got the same chills when Duvall lets his line rip;
Kilgore: You smell that? Do you smell that? ...Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end... [cant finish line, walks away disgruntled]
i was going right along with it, especially when the phrase: "BUT CHARLIE DON'T SURF" came up. god i love it. film makers should quit now. no war movies can capture the surreal qualities of combat and the mystique of the human animal like Francis Ford did with this one; sure they can improve the surroundings of war; yes they can come up with more and more compelling story lines, and ofcourse the special effects are only going to improve; but this movie tops my list; all time. its one of the greats.
Monday, May 05, 2003
MY NIGHT...
well i didnt get to eat; but i could have saved a kids life tonight. fair trade? dunno. im pretty hungry right now. bout 11:40 i was in the quad itc; when i heard a thump, and a girl scream; i turned around and saw the itc monitor on the ground shaking, and the girl hysterical with her hands on her mouth. i ran over to that side of the room in enough time to see him spit out a mouthful of saliva, as he gyrated on the floor. he was having a seizure. a pretty violent one. by then another male had come over and got on the floor next to him. the kids name was gailen, or something like that; it was hard to understand the girl as she started shrieking hysterically again for help, and Oh My God's intermingled. i knelt down, he was choking and spat stuff out again, shaking harder. the other male, whose name i never learned, held down the kids arms to keep them from flailing into the metal desk anymore. i asked her if he had a history of seizures. she didnt look at me. i grabbed her shoulder and asked again, she looked at me, tears on her face and said no. i jumped the monitors desk and called 911. it took awhile for them to pick up. seemed like a half hour, probably was less than a minute. time moves slow when people are screaming and uncontrollably shaking. finally.. Johnson County 911 Service. "yes, im located in quadrangle residence hall, u of iowa campus, west side of the river; i have a 150 pound caucasian male, approximately 20 years of age, undergoing violent seizures. subject has no known history of seizures." --- where is he? "hes on the ground now... half on his stomach and half on his side" ok sir. SIR? are you still there "yeah" (i got taken in by watching it all and forgot to talk) is he breathing? "im not sure, im too far away--- guys i need to know if hes breathing" the girl starts shaking with hysteria and cries, even the operator hears it; Sir keep everyone calm; is he breathing? "no ma'am, hes turning blue and getting cold... he wont relax his throat or stop slamming his head" has he vommitted? "not vomit, just spit so far" do you know cpr, you may have to administer breaths-- "yes i do, but id have to put the phone down to do it" the other guy yells, I KNOW CPR TOO. the operator hears it "ma'am well be ok, we can do cpr, weve got people that can" is he breathing now? "is he breathing guys?" kids spits up again. yes, hes breathing now. youll need to get him on his side now, the operator says, to keep him from choking incase he vommits. "guys get him on his side" girl doesnt respond. FLIP HIM THE FUCK ON HIS SIDE. the other guy grabs him by his arms and rolls him over. then two RA's come in... someone must have yelled for help, i never heard it. they look at me first, then down at him, then back at me. the operator dispatches ambulance and iowa city pd. is he still breathing now sir? "yeah, his colors coming back.. we cant get a pulse, we cant keep him still." thats ok sir, keep him on his side, paramedics will be there shortly, stay on the line with me sir. then the hall coordinator comes in, followed by dps guards. "ma'am weve got dps here now" they stand off to the side, and dont say much. one grabs his radio and starts talking. the kid isnt as blue as he was. still looks bad. sir, youll need to stay on the line with me, how is the subject? "hes pale, still seizing, but hes slowing down" the kid has almost stopped shaking.. its intermittent now. i start to hear a faint ambulence siren. he starts moaning. "ma'am hes starting to come back to" a dps police officer comes in, with gloves on and drops to the floor wiht the kid, holding his head, brushing the spit from his mouth, taking great care to stradle him far enough to avoid the kid snaping his own neck between the officers knees. the sirens are loud now. the RA's stand around. sir, youll need to send someone out side to direct the ambulence where to go.. "ok, dps is here, but we can do that; GINA GET OUT FRONT AND FLAG DOWN THE AMBULENCE; ma'am im sending a women with dark hair, glasses and a blue shirt out side for the ambulence; were at the far east end of the building" ok sir, how is he doing now? "hes looking better, hes coming out of it" the kids rolling his eyes around... still dillated pupils. hes asking things, but trails off. the hall coordinator looks at me again. so does the other RA. (why the hell am i here? why am i the one doing this, why cant they?) the paramedics come in. the kid is on his back now, trying to talk. the girl has stopped screaming now, shes just crying and holding his hand. talking to him. i cant see him anymore, all i see is her butt and underwear hanging out of her pants. bright blue. "ma'am the paramedics are here" ok sir, you can hang up now.. "thank you" sir stay with him to tell the paramedics, you did a good thing tonight. click. i didnt stick around much longer. i grabbed kevin the hall coordinator, and asked him if i could go; he said ok. i picked up my stuff as they were tending to the kid. big crowd of people wearing blues and blacks. it smelled like rubber in the room, and a nasty breath smell. probably from the spit. i tried my best not to start shaking. my hands did trying to button my coat. i tried thinking why the hell i didnt hop up immediately when i heard a thump. ive heard that before. its a head hitting something. its hollow, but its solid. its like a dropping a pumpkin on the sidewalk, but louder. it echos. theres no splat. but its something like that.. or it isnt i dont care. i cant button my fucking coat. i try the zipper instead. its not much better. i hear the radios crackling. the kids talking now, answering questions. he cant tho. doesnt know where hes at. doesnt know his name. or who everyone is. the girl starts sobbing. its not a bad sob. somehow that sounds different from a bad sob, but it wasnt. i tried to walk past without attention. i stopped by kevin again, and told him i was willing to write an incident report. my watch said 11:44pm. he didnt look at me. he grabbed my shoulder, its ok, the RA's and i will take care of it... thanks man. thanks for being here. "yeah, no problem" no one looks at me when i leave. no one notices that i left i figure. i go out the door into the raining darkness, broken by sirens.. reds and blues temporarily blind me. the dps guard holding the door pushes me out of the way so they can move the backer board in. i just walk away. my hands are shaking in my pockets.
well i didnt get to eat; but i could have saved a kids life tonight. fair trade? dunno. im pretty hungry right now. bout 11:40 i was in the quad itc; when i heard a thump, and a girl scream; i turned around and saw the itc monitor on the ground shaking, and the girl hysterical with her hands on her mouth. i ran over to that side of the room in enough time to see him spit out a mouthful of saliva, as he gyrated on the floor. he was having a seizure. a pretty violent one. by then another male had come over and got on the floor next to him. the kids name was gailen, or something like that; it was hard to understand the girl as she started shrieking hysterically again for help, and Oh My God's intermingled. i knelt down, he was choking and spat stuff out again, shaking harder. the other male, whose name i never learned, held down the kids arms to keep them from flailing into the metal desk anymore. i asked her if he had a history of seizures. she didnt look at me. i grabbed her shoulder and asked again, she looked at me, tears on her face and said no. i jumped the monitors desk and called 911. it took awhile for them to pick up. seemed like a half hour, probably was less than a minute. time moves slow when people are screaming and uncontrollably shaking. finally.. Johnson County 911 Service. "yes, im located in quadrangle residence hall, u of iowa campus, west side of the river; i have a 150 pound caucasian male, approximately 20 years of age, undergoing violent seizures. subject has no known history of seizures." --- where is he? "hes on the ground now... half on his stomach and half on his side" ok sir. SIR? are you still there "yeah" (i got taken in by watching it all and forgot to talk) is he breathing? "im not sure, im too far away--- guys i need to know if hes breathing" the girl starts shaking with hysteria and cries, even the operator hears it; Sir keep everyone calm; is he breathing? "no ma'am, hes turning blue and getting cold... he wont relax his throat or stop slamming his head" has he vommitted? "not vomit, just spit so far" do you know cpr, you may have to administer breaths-- "yes i do, but id have to put the phone down to do it" the other guy yells, I KNOW CPR TOO. the operator hears it "ma'am well be ok, we can do cpr, weve got people that can" is he breathing now? "is he breathing guys?" kids spits up again. yes, hes breathing now. youll need to get him on his side now, the operator says, to keep him from choking incase he vommits. "guys get him on his side" girl doesnt respond. FLIP HIM THE FUCK ON HIS SIDE. the other guy grabs him by his arms and rolls him over. then two RA's come in... someone must have yelled for help, i never heard it. they look at me first, then down at him, then back at me. the operator dispatches ambulance and iowa city pd. is he still breathing now sir? "yeah, his colors coming back.. we cant get a pulse, we cant keep him still." thats ok sir, keep him on his side, paramedics will be there shortly, stay on the line with me sir. then the hall coordinator comes in, followed by dps guards. "ma'am weve got dps here now" they stand off to the side, and dont say much. one grabs his radio and starts talking. the kid isnt as blue as he was. still looks bad. sir, youll need to stay on the line with me, how is the subject? "hes pale, still seizing, but hes slowing down" the kid has almost stopped shaking.. its intermittent now. i start to hear a faint ambulence siren. he starts moaning. "ma'am hes starting to come back to" a dps police officer comes in, with gloves on and drops to the floor wiht the kid, holding his head, brushing the spit from his mouth, taking great care to stradle him far enough to avoid the kid snaping his own neck between the officers knees. the sirens are loud now. the RA's stand around. sir, youll need to send someone out side to direct the ambulence where to go.. "ok, dps is here, but we can do that; GINA GET OUT FRONT AND FLAG DOWN THE AMBULENCE; ma'am im sending a women with dark hair, glasses and a blue shirt out side for the ambulence; were at the far east end of the building" ok sir, how is he doing now? "hes looking better, hes coming out of it" the kids rolling his eyes around... still dillated pupils. hes asking things, but trails off. the hall coordinator looks at me again. so does the other RA. (why the hell am i here? why am i the one doing this, why cant they?) the paramedics come in. the kid is on his back now, trying to talk. the girl has stopped screaming now, shes just crying and holding his hand. talking to him. i cant see him anymore, all i see is her butt and underwear hanging out of her pants. bright blue. "ma'am the paramedics are here" ok sir, you can hang up now.. "thank you" sir stay with him to tell the paramedics, you did a good thing tonight. click. i didnt stick around much longer. i grabbed kevin the hall coordinator, and asked him if i could go; he said ok. i picked up my stuff as they were tending to the kid. big crowd of people wearing blues and blacks. it smelled like rubber in the room, and a nasty breath smell. probably from the spit. i tried my best not to start shaking. my hands did trying to button my coat. i tried thinking why the hell i didnt hop up immediately when i heard a thump. ive heard that before. its a head hitting something. its hollow, but its solid. its like a dropping a pumpkin on the sidewalk, but louder. it echos. theres no splat. but its something like that.. or it isnt i dont care. i cant button my fucking coat. i try the zipper instead. its not much better. i hear the radios crackling. the kids talking now, answering questions. he cant tho. doesnt know where hes at. doesnt know his name. or who everyone is. the girl starts sobbing. its not a bad sob. somehow that sounds different from a bad sob, but it wasnt. i tried to walk past without attention. i stopped by kevin again, and told him i was willing to write an incident report. my watch said 11:44pm. he didnt look at me. he grabbed my shoulder, its ok, the RA's and i will take care of it... thanks man. thanks for being here. "yeah, no problem" no one looks at me when i leave. no one notices that i left i figure. i go out the door into the raining darkness, broken by sirens.. reds and blues temporarily blind me. the dps guard holding the door pushes me out of the way so they can move the backer board in. i just walk away. my hands are shaking in my pockets.
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