Current Musical Selection: GnR - November Rain [demo version]
a funny, spookily- incomplete version of the song that was taken from an old bootlegged DAT tape from long, long ago. axl has been publicly stated as laughing at the song in its prior forms, but i kinda like it. its different from the album take.... but good music should evolve. good anything should show maturity with age. its not a filler song, or an off the cuff type of thing. people dont usually realize it, but this song was the true opus of axl rose... the man litterally carried around this song in his soul for years before he ever committed to doing much with it. it was just a simple piano melody that he would fiddle with, whenever he could find a piano... back in those days, of living on the streets and constant cocaine/heroin parties, pianos werent as common as other things. so he brought it with him. he worked it out as the time appeared, and watched the song grow. it was some time later that the band actually started throwing some of the backing music into it. sometime after They were a band [not counting Hollywod Rose], but with the Them that was GnR; axl sat down and worked on it. from the time they started out playing things like Brownstone and Jungle; he carried this piece of himself around, in song format. supposedly it was to this point [the mp3 im speaking of] by the time Appetite was ready for release... but axl didnt feel right about it. it needed more work i assume. it needed something. it wasnt comfortable yet. and thats hard to believe really; that to have a gift to compose, and to carry around a beautiful piece of melody for how many years... and to still not feel comfortable with it. to still not feel ready to let it go out into the world. so he sat on it. and by 90/91 durring ithe illusions recordings time, he came back with it. 7 years later, he came back with it. and its turned into the staple of every show he plays, its the song of a generation of mtv watchers, its one of the more highly requested wedding songs of the younger generation, and he still tinkers with it. he still advances that part of himself, that wants more, that desires more from the work he puts into it. no new verses or anything. but new interludes, different harmonizing chords, different resonating features of a melody that still echo's deep within him.
play it.... reward yourself. -right click, save target as- {{ November Rain - Demo Tape }} ps its zipped
Saturday, April 05, 2003
Friday, April 04, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way
Standing in line To see the show tonight And there's a light on || Heavy glow || By the way I tried to say I'd be there... Waiting for || Dani the girl Is singing songs to me Beneath the marquee; oversold || By the way I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for... || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya
why am i so damn tired. i slept again this afternoon... straight through my night class. i hate it.. im missing classes, not because i dont want to go; but because im just too tired. its not a conscious decision not to go; or to sleep instead... im just constantly tired. usually with a fucking headache packaged with it. dad laughed and thought it was mono. id be pissed. only one way id have gotten it; and only one place shed have gotten it. embarrasing as it might be to have it, i really dont think i do... not just saving face, but i really dont think i do. im just burnt out. tired of people and their attitudes, nothings really moving in the directions i thought it would this year; classes are garbage.. more bs attendance point classes; still not taking a class on anything id ever use in my life after my 4 year degree in time [mis]management... only one class is even entertaining to me; and thats the one i look forward to. i used to think latin was fun. i used to like it; never was good at it; but i liked it. i thought it was fun to be able to translate out of it... the language just really appealed to me in spoken form.. it really does flow, and has this sense of oration, even when you read a kids poem about flowers, it sounds like it could command the attention of a legion of troops. but its loosing its luster. too much bullshit busy work. too many attendance points. TA bitches too much because im tired of it. because im only doing what i need to get by. scrapping it out with 60s on my quizes, because i refuse to study any more than that. its tough to do that to myself, and i dont get it.
partly im tired. physically im tired alot, but mentally im out of it. especially of late. everything takes alot out of me. things i never expected to have to deal with take hours of my time. one headache will be done in about 4 weeks. ARH will be out of my responsible hands and right back where it used to be. cant say im sorry to see it go [but only of late would i say that]. i liked alot of the time i spent with it; believed in alot of what i did. but now its a struggle too. too much disrespect from the people that i have to deal with. it shows. administrators are constantly chatting to me about after they see them in action. all of the things i did not want my organization to become, theyve done anyway. so its time to go. alot of the people i work with are sad to see me go. ive had to start in with my rounds of goodbyes to the people i only see occasionally; telling them i dont have anything to do with the org anymore. lot of dejected looks, questions about me reconsidering, but i just have to tell them that its better for me this way. why raise the child, be proud in what it accomplishes, but keep a front row seat to watch it wither and die. no, its much better for me to leave now while i can still afford myself some memories that are pleasant. that wears me down.
fighting wears me down. i realized alot of things in the last week... that was one of them. fighting with the ones you really love takes its toll. i was physically exhausted after one day of back and forth arguing. its hard. to me, its my nature to be argumentative; to me its simple to pick over points in conversation and to evaluate it one step. relationships are a different story. i cant do that. i shoulda learned that lesson long ago. i cant sit and make my determinations then apply them in one step. i really ought to keep my mouth shut. although thats not me either. alot of times its a struggle for me not to say anything, i have learned that; but i guess i havent learned what to say when i do talk. its difficult, i think, to get a point across; being me, and not comming across as thuggish or as brutal about it. i speak with a heavy inflection on my intentions and sentiment; thats whats so hard about being delicate in relationships for me. im not a delicate person. i damn near ripped out a belly button ring last night, and i guess i didnt know it. i feel horrible about it. the thought of ripping it out kind of make my skin crawl. but i wasnt trying to; and she knows that. its not like it caught on clothes or something, i just hit it with my hand and did it. i just dont have that kind of touch i guess, physically or verbally. its tough to deal with people then, that are very receptive to things like that, and frustrating to be the kind of person that doesnt feed things out that same way. its frustrating to me to be doing everything i normally do; or even a conceited effort to be easier and more understanding with what i do and say, and get the kinds of results that bring fights, shutting me out, and just no contact for days. like id be better off if i said nothing, and was just complacent with whatever happened; than if i spoke my mind about it. that erodes alot of confidence in things, and wears you down.
it makes your mind tired when you have to think alot. it makes your body tired when you punish it alot. it makes your soul tired when you punish your body by thinking alot. ive been trying to think of the best way to address a couple things, that do infact scare me. scare is a bad word. make me worry or make me anxious to asess the situation. i havent told her, but im trying to figure out how to introduce her to my parents. my parents are the few people i most worry about with something serious; like her; because i trust their judgement, and because i know if it doesnt go right, its going to be tough in the future. but thats only half the battle. selling the product isnt tough when youve got a good product. its being confident enough to sell it to those people that are iffy about it. thats when you got to have that faith in what your doing. the last week was hard. dont get me wrong; its not like i dont have faith in it anymore or in her... i really do want to be with her and i really do want to introduce her to my parents. but im kind of cringing at what they might say and how they might react. my parents know i wouldnt do it if i werent serious, they will evaluate it as serious people; but right now its hard for me to gauge how shed want to go about it. theres a lot of times where it feels like with her, it might be day to day about what shes thinking or feeling; even though i know what she tells me; and i really want to believe what shes saying... just sometimes its so different from what i hear; its hard. im worried; because if and when it does go down [meeting my parents] i really dont want that to be a worry in my mind. i dont want to have to sell them on her; i want them to see im allready sold. but its difficult sometimes. i guess it involves alot of letting go; and lett {{{{ ing her do the things i guess she needs to do; and thats hard for me. but all that is weighing on my mind; and it makes one very, very tired. id like to be alive and well and energetic, but it takes alot out of me to worry about things i shouldnt be worrying about. its all very uncommon for me tho. never had a girl like her, that approaches things quite like she does.. no one is the same i suppose; and god knows i wouldnt want to relive any of the past experiments if i didnt have to; but its hard. it goes against alot of what ive learned in other relationships; and more importantly, it goes against how i would do things. but im hoping it works out. because when its on, were really on. its just its that downtime between being on that scares me some times. i dunno. as Jay Holstein would say--- " it dont matter. it dont matter at all. i dont know anything, i dont know any of this kinda shit. uh.. ugh.. hey uhh.. its just about begining to begin to start to understand what it is that makes this possible " yeah.. }}}}
[nothing quite like a 20 minute break to stop and clean a keyboard to break your train of thought... maybe im cheap.. but id rather take 20 minutes away from my life to remove each key, and clean them, rather than let a can of pop short out a 20 dollar keyboard, thats 5 years old...]
yeah i cant remember where i was going with it... but i think it was pretty close to a complete thought. the stuff in the french braces is what i had to supplant to finish the thought. but fuck you Code Red! your so delicious.. yet so damaging to my crap. why must you torture me so? i thought the board shorted out.. i heard a poping sizzling... turns out it was the soda bubbling and fizzing under the keys.. im glad i didnt dump the board upside down.. it would have run into it and shorted instead of staying in the bottom part of the tray. damn you Code Red~
ain't it fun~
s.
[ps. 3 emails answered from last time. keep sending them, ill keep answering them]
Standing in line To see the show tonight And there's a light on || Heavy glow || By the way I tried to say I'd be there... Waiting for || Dani the girl Is singing songs to me Beneath the marquee; oversold || By the way I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for... || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya || Oh ah, kissed ya then I missed ya
why am i so damn tired. i slept again this afternoon... straight through my night class. i hate it.. im missing classes, not because i dont want to go; but because im just too tired. its not a conscious decision not to go; or to sleep instead... im just constantly tired. usually with a fucking headache packaged with it. dad laughed and thought it was mono. id be pissed. only one way id have gotten it; and only one place shed have gotten it. embarrasing as it might be to have it, i really dont think i do... not just saving face, but i really dont think i do. im just burnt out. tired of people and their attitudes, nothings really moving in the directions i thought it would this year; classes are garbage.. more bs attendance point classes; still not taking a class on anything id ever use in my life after my 4 year degree in time [mis]management... only one class is even entertaining to me; and thats the one i look forward to. i used to think latin was fun. i used to like it; never was good at it; but i liked it. i thought it was fun to be able to translate out of it... the language just really appealed to me in spoken form.. it really does flow, and has this sense of oration, even when you read a kids poem about flowers, it sounds like it could command the attention of a legion of troops. but its loosing its luster. too much bullshit busy work. too many attendance points. TA bitches too much because im tired of it. because im only doing what i need to get by. scrapping it out with 60s on my quizes, because i refuse to study any more than that. its tough to do that to myself, and i dont get it.
partly im tired. physically im tired alot, but mentally im out of it. especially of late. everything takes alot out of me. things i never expected to have to deal with take hours of my time. one headache will be done in about 4 weeks. ARH will be out of my responsible hands and right back where it used to be. cant say im sorry to see it go [but only of late would i say that]. i liked alot of the time i spent with it; believed in alot of what i did. but now its a struggle too. too much disrespect from the people that i have to deal with. it shows. administrators are constantly chatting to me about after they see them in action. all of the things i did not want my organization to become, theyve done anyway. so its time to go. alot of the people i work with are sad to see me go. ive had to start in with my rounds of goodbyes to the people i only see occasionally; telling them i dont have anything to do with the org anymore. lot of dejected looks, questions about me reconsidering, but i just have to tell them that its better for me this way. why raise the child, be proud in what it accomplishes, but keep a front row seat to watch it wither and die. no, its much better for me to leave now while i can still afford myself some memories that are pleasant. that wears me down.
fighting wears me down. i realized alot of things in the last week... that was one of them. fighting with the ones you really love takes its toll. i was physically exhausted after one day of back and forth arguing. its hard. to me, its my nature to be argumentative; to me its simple to pick over points in conversation and to evaluate it one step. relationships are a different story. i cant do that. i shoulda learned that lesson long ago. i cant sit and make my determinations then apply them in one step. i really ought to keep my mouth shut. although thats not me either. alot of times its a struggle for me not to say anything, i have learned that; but i guess i havent learned what to say when i do talk. its difficult, i think, to get a point across; being me, and not comming across as thuggish or as brutal about it. i speak with a heavy inflection on my intentions and sentiment; thats whats so hard about being delicate in relationships for me. im not a delicate person. i damn near ripped out a belly button ring last night, and i guess i didnt know it. i feel horrible about it. the thought of ripping it out kind of make my skin crawl. but i wasnt trying to; and she knows that. its not like it caught on clothes or something, i just hit it with my hand and did it. i just dont have that kind of touch i guess, physically or verbally. its tough to deal with people then, that are very receptive to things like that, and frustrating to be the kind of person that doesnt feed things out that same way. its frustrating to me to be doing everything i normally do; or even a conceited effort to be easier and more understanding with what i do and say, and get the kinds of results that bring fights, shutting me out, and just no contact for days. like id be better off if i said nothing, and was just complacent with whatever happened; than if i spoke my mind about it. that erodes alot of confidence in things, and wears you down.
it makes your mind tired when you have to think alot. it makes your body tired when you punish it alot. it makes your soul tired when you punish your body by thinking alot. ive been trying to think of the best way to address a couple things, that do infact scare me. scare is a bad word. make me worry or make me anxious to asess the situation. i havent told her, but im trying to figure out how to introduce her to my parents. my parents are the few people i most worry about with something serious; like her; because i trust their judgement, and because i know if it doesnt go right, its going to be tough in the future. but thats only half the battle. selling the product isnt tough when youve got a good product. its being confident enough to sell it to those people that are iffy about it. thats when you got to have that faith in what your doing. the last week was hard. dont get me wrong; its not like i dont have faith in it anymore or in her... i really do want to be with her and i really do want to introduce her to my parents. but im kind of cringing at what they might say and how they might react. my parents know i wouldnt do it if i werent serious, they will evaluate it as serious people; but right now its hard for me to gauge how shed want to go about it. theres a lot of times where it feels like with her, it might be day to day about what shes thinking or feeling; even though i know what she tells me; and i really want to believe what shes saying... just sometimes its so different from what i hear; its hard. im worried; because if and when it does go down [meeting my parents] i really dont want that to be a worry in my mind. i dont want to have to sell them on her; i want them to see im allready sold. but its difficult sometimes. i guess it involves alot of letting go; and lett {{{{ ing her do the things i guess she needs to do; and thats hard for me. but all that is weighing on my mind; and it makes one very, very tired. id like to be alive and well and energetic, but it takes alot out of me to worry about things i shouldnt be worrying about. its all very uncommon for me tho. never had a girl like her, that approaches things quite like she does.. no one is the same i suppose; and god knows i wouldnt want to relive any of the past experiments if i didnt have to; but its hard. it goes against alot of what ive learned in other relationships; and more importantly, it goes against how i would do things. but im hoping it works out. because when its on, were really on. its just its that downtime between being on that scares me some times. i dunno. as Jay Holstein would say--- " it dont matter. it dont matter at all. i dont know anything, i dont know any of this kinda shit. uh.. ugh.. hey uhh.. its just about begining to begin to start to understand what it is that makes this possible " yeah.. }}}}
[nothing quite like a 20 minute break to stop and clean a keyboard to break your train of thought... maybe im cheap.. but id rather take 20 minutes away from my life to remove each key, and clean them, rather than let a can of pop short out a 20 dollar keyboard, thats 5 years old...]
yeah i cant remember where i was going with it... but i think it was pretty close to a complete thought. the stuff in the french braces is what i had to supplant to finish the thought. but fuck you Code Red! your so delicious.. yet so damaging to my crap. why must you torture me so? i thought the board shorted out.. i heard a poping sizzling... turns out it was the soda bubbling and fizzing under the keys.. im glad i didnt dump the board upside down.. it would have run into it and shorted instead of staying in the bottom part of the tray. damn you Code Red~
ain't it fun~
s.
[ps. 3 emails answered from last time. keep sending them, ill keep answering them]
Monday, March 31, 2003
i have never beleived in editing my remarks. i never, ever, felt persuaded to censor myself or what i think. even in the past why my words had been used in anger against someone, purposely, i refused to pull them back. today i guess i learned that Someone means enough to me, that i will. the post formerly cited as March 31, 2003; has been removed.
i am sorry. deeply sorry. my words do nothing but make my plight worse, and endanger the future with someone that i potentially have, or want a future with. for that reason alone, my remarks are too dangerous to keep around. secondly, i know they caused more pain to someone i love than maybe anything else i could have done. thats my responsibility, and i accept it. im not proud of it, but i accept it. i wish that i could use these words for peace, for calming, and for reassurment. i appearantly can not. for that i am deeply sorry to all the readers out there.
many of you will send me emails asking why i parted with myself, and did this. salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu thats where to send them. i will, attempt, one by one, to recount to you my reasons for doing so, maybe that will be a portion of the pennance i hope to earn, so that some value may be learned from what i have done.
but i am sorry. to erin, i cant say it with enough feeling or enough times. i am sorry. im sorry that i cant control myself from writing the things i should not write; im sorry that i cant find the voice i want that would make things ok between us. i deserve the comments, i deserve the hang ups, i deserve your anger i suppose. but i dont know what else to say, or how else to write it. i dont know how to put feelings into words, and i cant put thought into action it would seem. so im sorry.
--------------------------------
Scott Alvarado
i am sorry. deeply sorry. my words do nothing but make my plight worse, and endanger the future with someone that i potentially have, or want a future with. for that reason alone, my remarks are too dangerous to keep around. secondly, i know they caused more pain to someone i love than maybe anything else i could have done. thats my responsibility, and i accept it. im not proud of it, but i accept it. i wish that i could use these words for peace, for calming, and for reassurment. i appearantly can not. for that i am deeply sorry to all the readers out there.
many of you will send me emails asking why i parted with myself, and did this. salvarad@blue.weeg.uiowa.edu thats where to send them. i will, attempt, one by one, to recount to you my reasons for doing so, maybe that will be a portion of the pennance i hope to earn, so that some value may be learned from what i have done.
but i am sorry. to erin, i cant say it with enough feeling or enough times. i am sorry. im sorry that i cant control myself from writing the things i should not write; im sorry that i cant find the voice i want that would make things ok between us. i deserve the comments, i deserve the hang ups, i deserve your anger i suppose. but i dont know what else to say, or how else to write it. i dont know how to put feelings into words, and i cant put thought into action it would seem. so im sorry.
--------------------------------
Scott Alvarado
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)