Current Musical Selection: Foreigner - Blue Morning, Blue Day

SMARMY

tonight was interesting... not often can you say you were in attendance to a speech by a former President of the United States... even if it was Bill Clinton. citizen bill was interesting to hear tonight... without getting into it, i heard mostly 'when i was president' and 'what we should do now, based on what i think as a former president,' not so much the speech on "Global Security in the 21st Century" as it was billed to be. but it was BILLed. even a couple hecklers managed to show up. entertaining. too bad i couldnt hear one very well. the comments by another about rawanda were funny. clinton took them all instride. im sure after speaking to millions of people, in thousands of places, and being bill clinton, you learn how to handle disgruntled members of the crowd. hell even the secret service detail didnt budge much when they saw them yelling. a rather ho-hum speech in my opinion. at times i couldnt quite tell how much of it was off the cuff, and how much was scripted. that must be the biggest departure for the man. comming from 8 years of federally [and about 20 more of state] funded speech writers and campaign organizers, he, at times, seemed almost ill-prepared. like the information was comming to him as he talked, but clearly not in the polished and prepared manner that a citizen of his presidency was accustomed to hearing. all in all, the speech was summed up with; love thy neighbor, give them more money, never cut taxes, destroy guns/bombs/nukes, praise the 'merits' of social and educational 'advances' upon society. again, it was bill clinton. as he put it... "even it's not rocket science" but he did use the 'smarmy' that was unnerving. a fullbright scholar; distinguished and affluent [yes he made several comments about his personal wealth] private citizen, and former President for shit's sake, uses "smarmy" smarmy indeed.

even without clinton, life proceeds. for once i experienced a semi-comical moment at a meeting... something truly unique of student leaders on the lame duck seat... counting down the days left. several grins and comments were made. President Boyd had his chance to make them at the last meeting, now we impressed President Skorton with our own. cant say it feels good to want to leave... but its getting there. only a few weeks left on the job really, and im anticipating life afterwards. people are sadly delluded if they think this position is something that is lofty, or brings them above normal students. infact, ive tried with my entire presidency to bring it back down to a useable and workable position. some people differ with me on that. but then again, i was the reluctant man in the post. by others admissions ill be impossible to replace, but i can always have the piece of mind that i never had to run for the position. i never aspired to take on a role like this, and i out and out have little respect for those that do. its demeaning to the office and to the students around them; something i hoped i never did with my term. but, as it stands i have little under 4 weeks left until i can completely cash in my chips, and i am looking forward to it. i cant deny that the position made my name a topic at many dinner tables around the university community in my reign of terror, but it also gained me quite a bit of credability in those i dealt with; more so for the organization which i get to leave behind in uncertain hands. its difficult like that. to walk around with an idea in your head... just a thought that matures and grows with time, never sharing it with anyone. then being selected out to run with your idea.. to be called upon by those around you to make it happen.. then once your on that path to completion, to be pulled aside and forced to give it all away. to watch the sandcastle that took many days and nights, to be swept slowly into the ocean that brough you those very grains of sand with run through your fingers. its about loosing a piece of yourself in the work. permanently sacrificing bits of yourself, that go unnoticed and unthanked, and to watch them reduce down to mere drops in the ocean that is its begining and end. clinton obviously has a hard time with it too. so many comments about being president and how he would handle things; that it was obvious to tell hes slowly growing accustomed to life after it all. to life away from the control.

i guess its not that my life wont have control, or direction in 4 weeks. just that it has uncharted and hopefully new and relaxing, but beneficial direction. maybe ill actually have the time to read those books ive allways wanted to... or just get homework done on time for class, not racing through it at 4 in the morning. no more meetings, really. no more tending to other people and their concerns. maybe, just for once, i can have some time to be somewhat selfish. to keep some time for myself. maybe some time to do what i want. to see what id like to see and be with who i want to be with. ill definitely miss some aspects of it all; but im sure my girlfriend wont. i may actually have time to spend with her, that isnt a cool down from meetings, with headaches and reminants of attitudes of coworkers. maybe i could be that lazy college student ive practed so long to be. maybe i could just end up normal. thats all i really ever wanted for myself. a normal existence. nothing extraordinary. no complications, atleast none more than necessary. not much excitement. just an existence. not jaded, not too opulent or even optimistic. to have what i need and live with that. so in 4 weeks ill see more of where that leads me to. who knows, the public has a habbit of calling upon its servants time and time again.

until that time, i spend my hours cranking away; fearing the end, but shying away from the future even more.