Resisting the Urge...

its quite clear everyone wants to drag me into further conflict... conflicts deeply rooted in personal affinities for vengance, built on mistrust, and immaturity, and incredible senses of self-lacking. each day, they find new ways to try and force the issue to me. some days its nothing more than whining in the office... others, as usual, its just whining in their online journals, and rarely is it they make any direct address to me. its humorous. i laugh when im supposed to take these people seriously... how could you? its like dealing with kids... it really is. kids whine. kids complain. kids dig at parents, attempting to grant a concession. parents dont budge. parents grow a thick skin to it all, and keep about the business of running a family---of staying with whats important to them. kids... kids just pine away at trivial shit. kids never stop. adults, they move on. and for all the times i could have done it, im much more satisfied that i did not; in fact, need to resort to any of the antics of the people around me. it makes life difficult to live this way. going from day to day, never once seeing the type of person id want to identify with. and then when i do, its only at night... just a few fleeting hours... where im forced to divert attention away from what matters to me... to homework, to others stupid plights and mundane existences, and to hearing about children at play... diverted away from where my attention should be. locking the door doesent keep them away, and keep my attention where it needs to be. so to her i am deeply sorry. my time is slight and precious, the moments are fleeting, and there is nothing that i can do to change any of this. it is only by chance, some days, that i can even enjoy seeing you from across a room, never to see you fully or touch a piece of creation; always mired deeply in the darkness. deeply in the darkness of the warring of the Children that surround me. dealing with it all makes living life difficult.

last couple days have moved pretty slowly. after being at home for a total of 13 hours, its hard to feel rested... granted i was only there to do heavy lifting and other manual labor, but the laundry was free... and the homecooked meal was nice... so was the company of family and friends... even so... its just not enough to recharge my batteries from living life in this existence. this surreal world of careless frivolty. a land where children and the purusit of their ego rules the day. where that golden soul, is often tarnished black, under the flames of missgiving, to forever be a darkened shadow of its former self. i try hard, so very hard, in these dark days, to remain calm about it all. knowing that one day soon, they will all force me into something; force me into action that i will most likely regret. but they want that... they want that more than i want to be left alone. attempting to understand that, while going on about ones daily life, makes living life difficult.

i wanted so bad for this year to be positive. i wanted so much to see the changes in myself, and others, that i knew needed to occur on this grand road to glory; and yet, i have seen only the worst of them. i have seen only the failings of attunement, and only in the most dire of times, have i seen them succeed. no, it is is on a daily basis, i much watch them resort to the Child within. i watch them, i hear them, and i have to supervise them... and all the while i wonder to myself, why i must be the one to bear this burden. the burden, not only of responsibility... as the children clearly are lacking, but also the burden of maturity. why is it, i must be the only one 'condemned' to a life of thought and response, of reason and of logic; why is it they remain free in their state, with their childistic urges and views... carrying toys and crying to each other, causing infighting and bickering, and gossiping all the while. all these things i must bear witness to, but must be silent about. i have no choice. for that is the true burden of the mature, responsible and enlightened adult. walking that path, when surrounded by the lunacy and the rashness of Children, makes living life difficult.

instead, this year ive not learned about myself, as i was told that i would, i have learned about the people around me. i have found greater cause and greater reason, strengthening my convictions, and loosening my remorse for the people around me and my responsive treatment to them. its hard to want to feel remorse for correcting Children... they know no better... these Children do. they claim to atleast. but thats what makes adults different from Children. we do, they do not. and so im forced to live alone in the world of the Child. im alone subjected to the ways of error and selfish gains, where the glorification of the plight, and the 'masturbation of ones ego' [as i have so timely called it] rule the day, and consume the hours. let them move away from me O Lord, for in this great time of darkness, i wish nothing more than to rest out the remainder of my days, and to rejoice in the beauty of those things that do matter to me... Lord i ask to be free of the bonds of servitude that bring me in the midst of Children... show to them, their ways, let them wallow in their despair, and let them walk the path and lie in the ditches they dig. Lord let me be free from them. let me find a way to make living this life, not so difficult anymore.