Current Musical Selection: GnR - Knockin on Heaven's Door [live from Moline IL, 2002]

ahhh yes, the joys of internet piracy... well... the joys of piracy, aided by the internet i suppose. i managed to hookup with some message board friends on my boards [ major plug for... ROUNDONE.NET and MYGNRFORUM.COM ] and they were able to find me a copy of the show i attended this past fall. NOTHING is more killer than that. the first time i spun it; i got the same chills that i did from when i was standing there.. absouletly amazing. sure the quality of taping isnt great, and yeah its not even a video... but its just right.

expect a longer post on Valentines Day. i really dislike this day of the year.. but im now forced to be a part of it all... exams and preoccupations bind me to again witness the senselessness of solitude on a day so intent on love and adoration of another. the elusive 'another' which, will never be mine; and a day devoted to it. charming.

not much to say.. really ive wanted to get back to posting to this in an orderly manner again; but for time constraints i havent had any way to do so. lots going on, but really none of it is of much importance. atleast thats what i tell myself. surely, everything i do and say is important. in the grandscheme of the universe, i say things that move other people, that set actions in motion, that leave a plan that someone will one day follow. in the meantime, i feel like im walking in place, and talking to myself. its slow going. its a tough sell to make; getting excited about the future; which i wont ever see. its even more difficult to deal with the people of the present. never in my life have i seen a more lack-luster, and apathetic attitude towards anything. since my job revolves around the residence halls; i notice the RA's the most. its terrible. im doing things everyday, they never will know about; to make their job better, easier and more important--- and they cant manage to bring 1 kid to a meeting, once per month. pathetic. a meeting i sat through tonight had 8 residents present, with 12 RA's... of the 8 residents, 5 came from one floor and were only allowed one person to vote for the floor... in a meeting that represents the entire building and resdent community... 5 people had the authority to vote legitimately. pa-fucking-thetic. the RA's whine about being busy, and residents being too busy for it. its utter bullshit.. i walked 3 halls before and after that meeting and found atleast 5 per floor sitting in their rooms, doors open, watching tv. nothing to do; nowhere to go. not busy. to me its just a fundamental question of zero role modeling and intervention in the halls. but its not just here.. .unfortunately; as lousy as an RA crop that we have at iowa, the problem is pervasive into the rest of society at large here. and its spreading. its a cancer on the flanks of every human being in society...

everyone is complacent with the world they wrap themselves into; each feeding the monster within; more precious trinkets of self and of further lunacy. each day the hunger pains grow stronger, and we must fight them back; with equal strength, to force the ultimate in resolution... nothingness. non-action. no-decision. no consideration. as long as it doesnt steal that comfortable baby-blanket of dreams and sickly shit that we warm ourselves with each night. swaddle the spirit of the child, smothered in the body of the adult; with the paitence of neither. let us call these people: friends. yes, friends the very backbone, the essence of the existence of our innoculated state. with friends, we need no rationality; no ego; and no decisions... they make them for us. and we follow; biscut to mouth-- following the hand that feeds it... rather the hand that pumps at, and vigerously strokes at its length of flesh; massaging the ego that is inflated by its own presence. take our cues from the only place that could be more irresponsible than we could manage: from those around us, less responsible than ourselves. and oh, how sad it is, that i must refer to them as such... but really what else are they? we; as self-indulged humans, desire only to further wrap into our sense of self, as skewed as we can make it; and these friends can provide oh so many more layers that we are too lazy to add ourselves. we can trust wholly in them, to provide the reasons we wont; we can trust in them to make judgements on our behalf, and we cant trust in them to chase away all that may bring dissarray to our bassinet of self-delight... so then in our apathy, and indulgence in our self-indulgences; we let our 'friends' become our guardians. we can let our 'friends' ward off the evils of another person, that may dare encroach on our self-righteous filth. bring suffering and misery upon those with the truth of our plights; so that we may continue on with our ego-building masturbation of self-desire. let all those nay-sayers meet untimely death and ridicule for their stances; and let our 'friends' decide who they may be. oh to friendship! oh to apathy! oh to those too blind from the truth, to trust the judgement of 'friends'.