Thursday, January 16, 2003

so it happened. tonight was really the meltdown ive been expecting to hear for quite a long time. it was over grades, school, and the future. it wasnt good. they arent wrong. but i didnt get much time to talk about it, once everything was put out in the open. i had to show them my cumulative GPA, my course grades from all my classes, plus tell them everything about my stats/law class situations. again, it wasnt good. its been along time since ive taken school seriously; ive been able to breeze by in everything with such minimal work, that its not funny. this past semester was different in my mind; i think i had the most grueling schedule of work due in one weeks time, that ive ever had; which i did, and didnt miss one class doing it. but that doesnt show them anything. to them, that meant i was a procrastinator; a liar; and that i wasnt competent enough to take care of projects as they came up... not that i lived through it, and succeeded. instead, they yelled alot. i yelled alot. it went back and forth for a while about stuff like next year, this year, last year, future years. i was threatened with being yanked, right now, between semesters. i was also told i will be getting no assitance and no aid next year, whatsoever from them. and that was the best i could have hopped to hear. they mentioned the T word several times [transfer] as well as me pursuing a new major. neither of which are particularly feasable at this point in time; but that didnt matter. to the point that they will be requesting transcript copies if i wont. all over a few bad grades.

my performance hasnt been steller. but im not a flunkout either. my gpa isnt golden, and its below what id like... no amount of tears, yelling, or even hard-work will bring it back up to where id like it at this point. i never realized how difficult it was to recover from B's, with a couple F's thrown in... damn near impossible. the equal number of A's i had didnt help, and the C's of the past year or so have pulled it down farther. im still passing. i still have credit for everything. im not on probation or anything. but its not good enough. im by no means a faliure or a terrible student, but... thats tough to argue against the way it all went down. so now im here. im pretty broken in spirt, mad at myself, mad at my proffessors. and its not going to help anything. my grades will likely keep me out of the consideration of any tier1 law program, and likely now to push me out of any tier2 program, barring a killer LSAT score. so im not sure whats next. if i make it through all of this. i knew what i wanted to do with my life; but everyone says its not possible now. besides, my department chair of sociology laughed at the proffession i wanted... even when i held back my anger as long as possible, and asked her how a proffesion like that is something to mock, or something less than what hers is, sitting around in sheltered walls of academia... she sneered at me. i dont really have alot to think about now. the past wasnt so great. the present is pretty bad, and honestly: the future isnt looking good.


First Citizen:
Come, come, we fear the worst; all shall be well.

Third Citizen:
When clouds appear, wise men put on their cloaks;
When great leaves fall, the winter is at hand;
When the sun sets, who doth not look for night?
Untimely storms make men expect a dearth.
All may be well; but, if God sort it so,
'Tis more than we deserve, or I expect.

Second Citizen:
Truly, the souls of men are full of dread:
Ye cannot reason almost with a man
That looks not heavily and full of fear.

From Act II of Richard III



Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Fueled

kick start and turn it over || punch drunk, but im still sober || 14 years, a whole lot bolder || and I don’t flinch || hungry and ill take the best || cuz I never wanted anything less || what doesn’t kill makes me stronger || its like a war inside me, action is all I know || tell me its suicide? Tell me something I don’t already know!

A lot going one right now. Not a lot I guess I want to talk about. Kinda strange huh? I tend to put down a lot of that kind of thing here, but I just don’t feel right in it. Just a lot of questioning and second-guessing going on with me. I'm questioning a lot of what the hell I'm doing in life anymore, and its not easy. It's not easy when you have to sit and argue with yourself, alone at night, that you are doing the right thing with your life. It gets stale telling yourself that some shitt-yass silver lining is in all this for you. It gets hard motivating yourself to get up and keep walking into day after day of complete fucking bullcrap. Tonight I don’t know if I won the argument. I think I only persevered because I was too tired to fight it… too tired to fight myself on it. Too many things wrong with it all, not enough going right. Someday I'm just going to give up on what I want, days like today speed that process along. Its not every day I feel this pathetic, just today. Just today that I feel shortchanged, trampled and cast-aside, all prematurely. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don’t know what the answers are, and I don’t even know what the problem is… it just isn't working out like I want it to…

s.