Current Musical Selection: Edvard Grieg - Ase's Death Theme, from Peer Gynt Suite Number 1
such a long time since ive been here. really ive got alot to say; but im not sure how to say any of it. hopefully the classical will balance out my mood a bit better; music is supposed to be mood altering... but i find that music tends to be mood reflective with me. if im angry, i play angry music. if im happy, its happy music. lately its been angry music. its been moody music. its been alot of stuff that i just dont know why that ive been playing. i may as well just start in with it all...
stress is a major deal in my life right about now. it seems that each day only brings more; each day only brings worse stress than the day before. when i try to go to sleep in the morning [emphasize try], alot of times i cant. my head is too full of whats going on, im not tired; im wound up to keep going. and it catches up. there was a day last week or so that was nearly impossible for me to even get out of bed. at first, i knew i had to, and i could. then it changed more to a mental blockage, and i created something in my head to keep me from going. after an hour of lying there, watching the ceiling and the clock; i couldnt even physically force myself to get up. it just wasnt worth it. its not right. everyday i know ive got to get back into it, maybe deeper than i was the day before, if for no other reason than vain attempt to staunch the flow that will become tomorrow. it never works. but its the hope i have to hold onto. somedays its parents bitching at me over email or on the phone; some times its some scary representatives from corporations far, far away calling at 8 in the morning, or 9 at night. nothing is sacred to them anymore. email was compromised nearly from the begining, then came my other personal email account; which no one is supposed to know about. that followed with calls at work; calls to Res Services for me; calls to my room; and now calls on my cell phone, again a number no one is supposed to know. then there is the postal mail. it started comming to me at Res. Services; then to my office; then to my room, now it even comes to my parents house. its hard to escape it all. like i said, nothing is sacred. i received business related phone calls on my personal cell phone when i was taking time off at a funeral this summer. and even then, they werent happy when i was short with them on the phone for it. everybody just has to have a piece of me. it seems that at any one point in time, im missing a meeting, late for another or was just mentioned at another i had no idea was in progress. i used to laugh about it. last year it was funny; we always made the joke that my name was being thrown around in all the circles of people in the know at the university. now.... now its not so funny. now its a fact of life. and i cant say i dont enjoy it. i do. it makes it all interesting. it makes it all too interesting. id much rather spend my time doing this kind of think 9 to 5, then go sit in some rank classroom with barwhores and frat boys, trying to make sense of low level concepts. i wish professors respected my decisions not to attend class. wed be so much better off that way. they only add to my stress. god knows i dont need any more of it.
i suppose you could say there is always something lacking in my life, in my own mind if nothing else. its tough being who i am. alot of the bullshit with the job means im all but inaccessable to friends, family, and god forbid obtaining a date. i guess thats not right of me to say really. i have fun. i have friends. and i certainly do have family. i see my family on limited basis; but i talk to them no less than once a week. i see some of my friends everyday. some of them, i choose not to. some of them i havent seen in weeks; and all i get are a few words on instant messenger now and again. its gets tired and worn doing that. there is only so far you can take a relationship with someone you never see, and im surprised how fast they can deteriorate when you dont see them. im also surprised by how much i miss some people. you see someone maybe 3 times a week, maybe not for long each time; but you honest to god, love every fucking minute of time. then it becomes once a month, at best. and then, its not really talk... its not really hanging out. its just seeing them. it just doesnt work. i miss having the old relationships that i do. i try to keep everything up. i spend as much time as possible talking to the people that matter to me, and the rest? not so much. but i try. the effort is there. i dont think anyone has the right to say i dont try, and i know they take it for granted. there are some days where i know, just by seeing the pile of shit to start with, ill never get through it all; and even so, ill stop and make the time to talk with people. i always make the time for them. i suppose thats what hurts everything else i do. i really shouldnt do that. i really should just keep at what im supposed to and just say fuck the rest of them; fuck the rest of it. but i dont want to do that. i guess i just wish people would realize what i do once in a while. i dont go looking for excuses or credit. i do look for understanding and acceptance. maybe if the powers that be would just understand what i do and cut me some slack, and maybe if i actually got something back from the people that i take my time out for; it would be worth it.
thinking back on it all, there really is something lacking in my life. i see everyone around me with someone else. minus a few exceptions; because the rule allways has exceptions; but i dont want to be one of them. i dont want it to be a life long goal to end up with a girl. it certainly looks that way. and everyone all ways tells me something bullshit like that as 'advice' if i even start to bring it up. all i can say is its not fair. ive had people ask me why i dont have a girlfriend; yet the same people also couldnt come up with a list of girls that would be interested. ive had girls tell me that id be perfect... but not for them.... or anyone that they know. its a pattern ive noticed. a pattern that likely has no end; or has no end that i should be happy about. and yet, they tell me to cheer up, to be happy... such crap. its about the lies that we tell each other, and its about the truths we wont say. its about the feelings we hide, and the others that we just play along with. i sit and watch and listen to so many people who arent happy with their current situation or 'other', and not a one of them would rather leave them. being alone is that bad of an alternative. people should try it. people should go for absolute years with nothing - with no hope - with no contact - without a chance in fucking blackest hell, of anything. then they should sit and give advice about being happy. then they should sit and give advice about being hopeful, and about knowing it all will come some day. they think it does. they honestly think that in the end its all going to come up roses for each and every one of us. i just shake my head, and i know its just one of those little lies we tell each other. no one ever wants to come out and say it, not even when you give them free reign to say whatever it really is, they still wont say it. its not allways them, im guilty of it as the next man. ive got alot of things id like to say, that i know people dont want to hear. they arent bad, infact they are almost all things that i think would feel good to say. but i dont. its just another bunch of truths we wont say to each other. its hard not to be truthful sometimes, sometimes it just bleeds through; like an open wound gushing through gauze, every moment of it matters, every shred is very real, and every drop means something. its not about life adn death; its just about truth and happiness. its just about wanting what you can never have. its about sitting the bench. forever. and it never matters what position you play, you wont get the call. your job is just to stay out of the game. some days it hurts. some days you just try not to think about it. but it comes up. and the harder you push it down, the worse it comes back to the surface, and its never any different. it never changes. its an odd feeling to have. wading out here in a sea of women, and knowing that when you reach for one, any one, they drift farther away. and youd think that sometime, that with all this movement, youd get close to one of them. and then they are gone. even sitting still, you might think that movement would bring them closer. and they keep their distance like never before. its like that. its like watching it all from the shore, and just seeing it move, and seeing you flounder and splash around, just mixing up the water more, and watching them move away. and even those moments, when you just close your eyes, and let go... just let it all go and sink. making that choice in your head to stop fighting it, to stop fighting for it; and you slide down depeer. no one is even curious. no one seems to even care. for all those times when youve tried, for all those times when youve fought for your piece of it all; it still goes unnoticed. and its sad. i can think back to all the times where, even just being me, is over looked. where saying something nice, where doing something nice, never mattered. and thats ok. but its when you try, its when you stop and go out of your way, each time, everytime, and you never matter. thats when it hurts. and it hurts the most when you want it. it hurts the most when you do it for a reason, and still no one cares. it hurts because it works for everyone but you. anyone but you. you can just watch them all do it. watch it happen, half-assed; its received like the greatest miracle jesus could perform; its like lazarus comming back from the dead. but for the guy that does care; for the guy that does try, hes just someother two-bit know-nothing in the crowd. and he gets pushed to the back of the crowd. put him back there where no one will see him; and make way for the new guy. its always about the new guy, never about the one youve allready seen. we all want the flashy guy. the cute guy. the guy thats rich. the guy that youll have to learn to love and like. they guy that probably doesnt care about you. they guy thats going to have to be tamed, and taught to like just you, and respect only you. why would we want anything else... anything less than that isnt worth it. anything less than that, isnt what everyone else would want. thats the idea behind it all, thats what makes it hard to get through the days, thats what makes it impossible to have hope... knowing that whatever i may have, whatever good i may bring, whatever i could do; ill always be less than that of someone else, less than anyone else.
" whose in here, hiding from the outside world || whose out there confused and alone || one more day i feel like this || one step closer to finding your grip || its a long way down || such a long way down || cant speak, its too bleak for others, That Day... || so bleak, i cant speak for others... That Day... || long way down || long way down || such a long way down || so bleak to the world , so bleak to the world || now im starting to see it fall down " **
the days to just seem to drag by. nothing much to give me separation; i get up to finish the work from yesterday, and go to bed starting tomorrows work. each day keeps going, like a never ending version of last week; where its all scripted, where you havent had any break from any of it... and it keeps going. im not sure how its any better for kids here. there week consists of skipping classes, to the point you cant tell what day it is, then going out until 3 in the morning every night... and they only way they can tell what day it actually is, is by the drink specials at the bar of their choice. what a life. these people are the future leaders of the workforce. congradulations america; these people, are your hope for the future of this country. people like me? were getting phased out. people like me are in short supply- by design! everyone else doesnt want someone like me around. ill be the type of person that will make you work on mondays, well because its your job to. ill be the type of person to deny socialistic pay increases to everyone; ill opt for my own merit and incentive based system. im also the person thats going to ride your ass for 8 continuous hours to get the job done, and done right; i wont be letting you read the newspaper or call your friends on my dime. people dont want me around their job; ill make it work. theyd much rather keep it 'happy fun time, that i get paid for'. but not today. no, today you all have dragged me down with your attendance points, your busy work term papers, and your comprehensive final exams over thousands of pages and 70 days worth of discussions. for now, you have the upper hand. for now you can allow students, of lesser quality than me, admittance to this school based on their skin color, you can favor those that posess athletic talent over people like me; even in criminal matters; and the best part is, you can indulge me with your queer fetishes, sinntastic lifestyles and innappropriate displays of morales gone awry; and yes, for now you make me speak in tongues [diversity, political correctness, and group feelings], yes for now you have the upper hand on me. for now, you control the lever that makes my days from lesser to great varieties and intensities of Shit. and the only thing i have to look forward to is, someday it will all be over. much like a prisoner in captivity; i have to sit and remove myself mentally from the damage you do to me everyday; i have to loose my sense self, if i ever hope to emerge from this. for now you force me to break down, and break away from what i know and what i believe but some day there will be a time when you will not. break my arms, tear my flesh, and scar my soul, but eventually i will return to the dream that i hold in my head... the dream that is life outside of this institution. the dream thats only a faint memory at times. the dream that you have been able to wrench away from me day after day.
but until that day, i sit here; in this blackest hell. the hole that is solitude and confinement in a world of opportunity, isnt that what you call it? it is my own prison that i build, and i do surely dig myself in deeper, and pile the rocks higher around me, find the cold layers between us to be soothing and comforting; but never enough for me to feel at ease; never enough for me to put down my guard.
** Fly Banger - Bleak [alternate version]
Saturday, December 07, 2002
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
---- more silence ----
so tired. sooooo tired. didnt sleep much last night, in an attempt to make up time on one of the papers. i ended up spending about 5 hours sitting on AIM getting nothing done. and yes, i pretty much just talked with one person. shameful. cant believe im letting myself get behind when im up against the wall like this.... tonight wasnt much better, i ended up taking an hour out to watch some Band of Brothers in jonahs room.... shouldnt have done that either. i suppose im not tooooo far gone yet.. paper for tomorrow is done, paper for wednesday is over half done, havent started paper for thursday yet. not to mention law final of death on tuesday of next week... yah havent cracked a book for that yet.. i figure its going to be my whole weekend. prof david would probably like that. make me spend my whole fucking weekend reading about the African Organizatin of Unity and other horribly inneffective multinational treaties and arrangements that the UN probably isnt clear on. i never wanted a life anyway i guess.
trying not to get too far behind with everything else in my life either. arh is starting to feel like work again... tonights meeting went really well tho. i know i tend not to talk about it much; but it did go well... we were meeting in direct competition with Bono of U2.. we still managed to eek out quorum and get through some interesting debate. yeah. debate at the arh house meeting. not something that would have happened in the recent few years. but tonight the kids really took it on. starting to change my perspective on them. i really am impressed by them when they suck it up and do it. but most of the time they all just sit there... its tough to motivate that many people what what i have to give is not what they need. i cant be the e'r present cheerleader and still be out doing the business with the university people. i cant be impartial and make rulings on debate if i have to step down to create the debate. tonight was good tho. i think that people that missed tonight missed out on something. im extremely impressed at how two or three individuals handled themselves tonight. not that i needed to be persuaded; just they really surprised me. if i had this kind of output from the group from day one, i dont even know where wed be at by now.... seriously. ive got so much in mind for what this group could do, and should do; i just cant get us there when the kids wont do it. ive allready stuck my balls out on the block on several occasions to get us some limelight with unveristy types. one person i had to personally assure that it would be worth their time to come. its difficult to do that. but nights like tonight start to make it pay off. even the advisors were good tonight. really blew my mind.
life also has other fruits... xmas is right around the fucking corner. only done shopping for one person thus far. need to corroborate with my sister to cover my dad; and dad has allready agreed to help me with listing and digging up what people would like and paying attention for me since im up here. nice to have spies on the ground doing work for you. im typically a last minute, typical man shopper. if they dont have it at truckstop on xmas eve, you probably wont get it! im not that bad--yet. but i do tend to wait till about a week out... usually i kick myself for it.. but its part of my xmas warm up routine. infact i surprised myself with the one gift that i bought allready. it was just something that came to mind, that i just happened to see out of the corner of my eye. it just fit. ofcourse, they didnt have exactly what i wanted at the store... so it took me a bit of resourcefullness to come up with what i really wanted... but i think its good. i think they will really like it. well see. i was thinking about keeping it a secret. i wasnt sure really whether i should even get anything; but deep down i knew i wanted to. then it just became a matter of keeping it a secret or not... eventually they hounded me enough about it that i ended up saying that i got something... that took the guess work out of that.
sooooo tired. more tomorrow.. or some day soon....
ain't it fun~
s.
so tired. sooooo tired. didnt sleep much last night, in an attempt to make up time on one of the papers. i ended up spending about 5 hours sitting on AIM getting nothing done. and yes, i pretty much just talked with one person. shameful. cant believe im letting myself get behind when im up against the wall like this.... tonight wasnt much better, i ended up taking an hour out to watch some Band of Brothers in jonahs room.... shouldnt have done that either. i suppose im not tooooo far gone yet.. paper for tomorrow is done, paper for wednesday is over half done, havent started paper for thursday yet. not to mention law final of death on tuesday of next week... yah havent cracked a book for that yet.. i figure its going to be my whole weekend. prof david would probably like that. make me spend my whole fucking weekend reading about the African Organizatin of Unity and other horribly inneffective multinational treaties and arrangements that the UN probably isnt clear on. i never wanted a life anyway i guess.
trying not to get too far behind with everything else in my life either. arh is starting to feel like work again... tonights meeting went really well tho. i know i tend not to talk about it much; but it did go well... we were meeting in direct competition with Bono of U2.. we still managed to eek out quorum and get through some interesting debate. yeah. debate at the arh house meeting. not something that would have happened in the recent few years. but tonight the kids really took it on. starting to change my perspective on them. i really am impressed by them when they suck it up and do it. but most of the time they all just sit there... its tough to motivate that many people what what i have to give is not what they need. i cant be the e'r present cheerleader and still be out doing the business with the university people. i cant be impartial and make rulings on debate if i have to step down to create the debate. tonight was good tho. i think that people that missed tonight missed out on something. im extremely impressed at how two or three individuals handled themselves tonight. not that i needed to be persuaded; just they really surprised me. if i had this kind of output from the group from day one, i dont even know where wed be at by now.... seriously. ive got so much in mind for what this group could do, and should do; i just cant get us there when the kids wont do it. ive allready stuck my balls out on the block on several occasions to get us some limelight with unveristy types. one person i had to personally assure that it would be worth their time to come. its difficult to do that. but nights like tonight start to make it pay off. even the advisors were good tonight. really blew my mind.
life also has other fruits... xmas is right around the fucking corner. only done shopping for one person thus far. need to corroborate with my sister to cover my dad; and dad has allready agreed to help me with listing and digging up what people would like and paying attention for me since im up here. nice to have spies on the ground doing work for you. im typically a last minute, typical man shopper. if they dont have it at truckstop on xmas eve, you probably wont get it! im not that bad--yet. but i do tend to wait till about a week out... usually i kick myself for it.. but its part of my xmas warm up routine. infact i surprised myself with the one gift that i bought allready. it was just something that came to mind, that i just happened to see out of the corner of my eye. it just fit. ofcourse, they didnt have exactly what i wanted at the store... so it took me a bit of resourcefullness to come up with what i really wanted... but i think its good. i think they will really like it. well see. i was thinking about keeping it a secret. i wasnt sure really whether i should even get anything; but deep down i knew i wanted to. then it just became a matter of keeping it a secret or not... eventually they hounded me enough about it that i ended up saying that i got something... that took the guess work out of that.
sooooo tired. more tomorrow.. or some day soon....
ain't it fun~
s.
Sunday, December 01, 2002
Current Musical Selection: GnR - Estranged [live in Tokyo]
gee what can i say... break was short, not overly calming, and now im right back here again. break didnt get any of my homework done, break didnt give me any sense of rest or relaxation, and i certainly didnt get any shopping or anything done over break. what a waste. i should have expected to get shit done... really only took 2 and a half days off; and from that count out several hours to mass family shit; more hours to hanging with friends, and more hours to sleeping... and i -magically- didnt get jack shit done.
homework and bullshit work are the main themes for me until the end of the semester i have: 3 term papers, 2 response papers, 1 4.5 hour exam, 1 final stats presentation, 2 quizes, then... finals week. not to mention arh bullshit, plus dealing with whatever else seems to come up. honestly, im not sure if im going to make it through all of this. as of right now i only have 1 response paper, and notes for 1 term paper done. i havent even looked at the material for my law class... which in all honesty i should have started studying for a month ago. this semester is going to kick my ass. until now, i had really, nothing going; then the last 3 weeks of the semester, everyone decides to make everything due, and everything has to be fucking ass 10 pages or more in length. not fair, not even useful.
couldnt believe how big of a mess my desk is. i cleaned up my room before i left, but not my desk. stacks of shit everywhere. cd's all over, paper and notes and bs like that about 3 inches deep. all i have is a small hole to move my mouse and to put my keys down. room even got cold enough last night i had to turn the heat on [if you know me, you know thats almost sacralige for me to do]. sometimes i hate this place. when i walked back in here last night, i just felt tired again. it was like i felt the stress of everything else just sit down on my shoulders when i went through the doorway. even as much as i could complain about being at home; i didnt feel like that there. only when i came back here does it all come back. with all the papers and work to be done, im not sure i like that feeling.
this weekend also had some other interesting moments. for one, i met a real live whore. not a prostitute; but a whore. a girl, who is 16, that has allegedly slept with 48 men--starting when she was 12. the current beau, is older than me. disgusting, was the first word that came to mind. intriguing was the next. anyone who hears someone profess a lifestyle like that should be all and out repulsed by it; and i was. but what started to get to me later on was thinking of how one could get to that point. then i started thinking about what i was doing at 12 years old... it sure as hell wasnt sex. i probably wasnt even starting to think about sex at that point... i would have been playing baseball and just getting into music... at 12 i bought my first GnR tape, and my first Nine Inch Nails tape. no where near getting pounded by some high-school aged chick. but i guess thats just me. and i guess alot of people arent like me. next i tried to rationalize why you could do that to yourself. i started comming up with a blank, but ive eventually settled on poor family relationships. the girl mentioned several comments about her father; none of which were very revealing; but all suggested to me, that shes doing this for attention. by now, im sure shes made herself believe in what shes doing, and truely like it; but im sure it started out as a way of attention- as a way to reinforce or suppleant a strong father-daughter relationship that was never there; which probably progressed into a similar social structure. [ie- her friends probably exhibited the same behavior, if not, the ones she kept imitated it and supported her... but by the sounds of it, they seem to engage in the same acts she does]. id probably guess that a mother is non-existent, that the father probably likes his booze, and by the grand scheme of things, they arent the wealthiest family in town. but none of my psycho babble means anything to this girl who does this. while she was over, she kept making comments that would strongly suggest shes seeking attention; and with her self-spoken love of 'older men' i think its tough to deny the type of relationship shes seeking. more over, i guess its tough to deny the type of future shes building for herself too. couldnt imagine anything positive comming from experiences like that; much less from someone who is proud of it all. i can sit back and think of the women ive been through, and although the number is much, much lower than was probably the norm for my age, i can still say im not very proud of it- i wish it was lower. but for someone, who under iowa law cant even drive by themselves yet, to have had sex with 48 strangers [she slept with the new guy the first night she met him], its hard to comprehend where all of that is going to lead her. one friend suggested porno. i disagree... shes got atleast 2 full years before she can show up on american made pornos LEGALLY. i suppose she can do some creepy jap kiddy porn work; but really, even as a prostitute she should have a ways to wait still. i guess what gets to me is how a girl like her does it. i dont question what i know, which is really anyone can be made to like something--- but the idea at first, when its still fresh... it cant have been too appealing to her. not at 12 years old. i suppose in this day and age, its not uncommon to suspect some form of pedophillia relation or incestual contact within the family, but she seemed to open for that. she seemed to proud for that. generally you find people to be tough to admit that problems like that exist at home; and when you do, they arent happy to say it. i just cant get over why she would be. she was proud to show it. the whole time she kept feeling up the new beau, even to his dissproval... several requests of 'stop it' 'cut it out' 'whats wrong with you' and 'dont' were heard, but it didnt work. she also was overly flirtatious and quick to respond in cutesy ways, attempting to attract the attention of the other 3 males in the room. it wasnt right. all the signs would suggest something other than what was sitting in the room. in that room was a 16 year old girl, who had enough make up on to cover up if she was 11, wearing kid like glasses, in a sunday-school type skirt and sweater outfit; who would look more in place laying on a bed, surrounded by stuffed animals and mandy more posters, talking about how cute carson daily is to her friends on the phone. but that wasnt all what she was.
i tried to think about how id handle that if i was a parent, and my daughter turned out like that. and i couldnt think of anything that would work. honestly, id probably beat the shit out my kid. id hope it would never progress to the point where he/she would reach something like that; but at that point there isnt much left to do. my child would have broken really every rule and expectation id have had for them; and what then? what do you tell the child who has done that to you? God banished them from the garden, and while thats not a bad way to handle it... its still your child out there then. at 16, you are legally obligated to care for them, even if you can break the chains of moral ownership. so what then? i couldnt imagine that situtation; much less that her parents seemed to be accepting of it all [based on what she said]. still at a loss for words for it all.
as some of you know, i had a long time, no-good relationship with someone. sometimes i mention it all in passing here, but i try not to dwell on her too much, although i know i do. [post edit - read back a few for more info on her, the long email and the poem were both about her... S.A.] While at home i found myself driving aimlessly, at 5:30 in the morning. ive been doing alot of thinking about the past, and about the future lately... and i dont know why; but at 5:30 in the morning; i find myself parked about a house down from hers, on her street. i guess i didnt know what i was doing there, but i was still there. yeah, its thanksgiving night, and im sitting there in the dark, with the engine running; and i have no clue why im sitting there. Lights are all off, no one seems to be around; and its not like id be expected here. honestly, i might be one of the last people that shed want around. so i sat there. for a while i thought to myself how bad it must look if anyone saw me there. i felt like a stalker; i felt like i was obsessed. but i dont think i was, and i dont think that i am. i think what i wanted was an end to it all. i wanted the end that i never got. i wanted some sort of finality to all the shit that had happened; i wanted something more that me just hanging up on her. i wanted more than empty promises as a goodbye. i wanted to have some sort of nasty, drag-out knock-down, fuck-off for good fight. i also wanted one of those heartfelt teary, blury, so long's. i never got anything i wanted. so i sat there thinking about it all. i thought of all the times id parted with myself to do things for her. i thought about all the compromises and the bullshit i put up with just to have something. and i thought about how it wasnt worth any of it; none of it. when all of it was happening, it was just one constant stream of frustrations; one new turn of events after another. and now ive got all the time in the world to sit and remember it all; to let it all just keep playing over and over. to sit and wish maybe id have said something different, to wish maybe id been a bit more understanding. while i sat there, i cut my own thoughts off. i began to see it how i always should have. i began to think that, maybe i did do everything right; maybe i was understanding, and maybe i shouldnt have been. maybe i should have just given her the fuck-off back then. maybe id have learned something now about it then. i still havent gotten what i wanted.
i thought about whats going on now. i thought, maybe things will change... maybe, just maybe Axl had it right, that "when i find out all the reasons, maybe ill find another way; find another day. with all those changing season of my life, maybe ill get it right next time" as the song says. but im not so sure of it all. Axl also told us that "we both know hearts can change" and that sure as fuck didnt happen either. not even when you wanted it to change, it didnt happen. even now when i sit and look at myself, and i think im sure of what im doing; im not. i think, and i act, in a way that i tell myself is right and proper; and they way i treat certain people is just nothing. and i lie to myself about it. i know its not what i want. if anything from her, _ _ _ _ tought me that im never going to get what i want; not even when i fight for it. and it made me angry when ive thought about it in the past. but not when i was sitting there in the car. not this time. and im not sure why. i guess i thought more of what it all meant to me; and now im starting to let go; but i never got the chance to let go. not that it makes any difference to her. but it makes a difference to me. i used to think that none of it bothered me. it did. but i used to try to force myself to think it was normal, and it was all ok, and despite getting screwed up the ass; it had its positive moments. im still trying to believe that. i do some days. but not that night, not sitting there looking at it all, wondering why i never felt like i did right then before. i wondered to myself why i ever cared about her. i wondered why i would even want to sit and think about her. i wondered why i even kept her in my prayers for so long. litterally years afterwards, id still include her. not that it mattered much. not that shed care. not that i should have. but i did. and even then i realized i still never got what i wanted. and it doesnt matter anymore. and im still bitter.
i guess im only bitter because it still ruins me. i sit and talk to some girls, and it doesnt come up. but sometimes, with certain ones; it feels like im back in it again. it feels like im not talking to you, it feels like im talking to her. it feels like im getting fucked over again, and you still dont care... just like she didnt. all of that got to me as i was sitting there. all of it started to make me mad again. some of it was about her, and some of it was with whats going on now. alot of it all made sense. after all the shit i put up with this weekend from people, hearing their comments, hearing their jeers about me; i just wanted it to stop. only so many times you hear shit about how youre single, how youre an dissappointment, how even 'family' can see that youd be un-attractive enough not to get a girl... only so much you want to hear. then youre sitting in silence. you are sitting in a car, on a dark street, and its all right in front of you. and it still doesnt make sense. it never made sense why the one time you wanted something to be different; it was more of the same... it was so much like every other time, that you made yourself think it was different. but there wasnt anything different there. there wasnt anything there at all. its funny how the past is like the present. its funny how you find someone, that really is different, but really nothing is different. nothing is there. its funny how you want it all to be different, and its all the same. its like its a pattern. a pattern that doesnt break; a pattern that fits every size and every occasion, and its allready there when you get there. it just follows you. when you say things, its got the replies made up. when you try to do something; its got their reaction completed. and when you try to care again; its ready to cut that part out. so many things i thought i knew, i thought were different; just really never were. so many things that now, id like to change, that now id want to be; i know wont. its funny how it all makes sense that easy. its funny how easy you can put your hands on it with one touch; how easy it is to feel the form, to feel it breathe to feel it be with one touch. it stays with you. that first touch never leaves you. its just so simple, so comforting, so reassuring. and then its gone. and then you have the rest of your life to remember it.
" for many times it would seem just like a memory
i searched and found the way to choose the end
i found the ways, why it had to be
mired in denial and so far away " *
with that simple touch i reached in the glove box and pulled it out. the steel was cold to the touch and gleamed in the street light. the nickel plating was polished and slick. i put it on the seat next to me to look at it. i thought about what i needed to do and what i wanted it all to end up like. and i knew i had to do this. i knew it had to end sometime. i dont want to loose the memories, i dont want to loose the freedom; but i did need to do this. i reached into my pocket and pulled out a picture. it was a picture of her that id had for awhile; one i rather liked. one i dont show people, just one that i like to keep to remember her by. i thought i knew what it all was, but i was wrong. i thought i knew how it was supposed to turn out; but i was wrong again. thats when i rolled down the window and reached over to the seat. i looked around, the street was still quiet, and i took one last look at her house. i dont know if she was there or not. but i knew it never really mattered, no one would really know that. i closed my hand around it, and sparked the lighter to life. i watched the flame for a second; before i lit the picture on fire. i watched it burn. i watched the edges turn black, and run into the middle of the picture. i saw it crumple in my fingers and smoke. then i flipped it out the window into the street. and i drove away.
i drove away because im done with it. i drove because i wanted to leave it behind; i wanted to end it on my terms. i wanted it to stop being something in the back of my mind. i wanted it to stop being something that just sits in my chest when i hear her name. i wanted to stop wanting her. i want something new to come along to take her place. i dont want to be the person stuck hanging on to something that i never had. id much rather be the person hanging on to something that i do have. even though i dont have anything... and people are probably right, i wont get anything; it something that just has to end sometime. its just got to end that i can try to be happy about what im not happy about; its got to end that im content to pretend and play the game when its not what i want. its about finding something to say, rather than finding the time to say it. i wish things could be different, i wish that i could be allowed to say what i want to, when i want to; to whom i want to... but if ive learned anything , i should have learned that patience doesnt necessarily pay off. it wont pay off whats not there to begin with.
ain't it fun~
s.
*- lyrics to Madagascar, by GnR
gee what can i say... break was short, not overly calming, and now im right back here again. break didnt get any of my homework done, break didnt give me any sense of rest or relaxation, and i certainly didnt get any shopping or anything done over break. what a waste. i should have expected to get shit done... really only took 2 and a half days off; and from that count out several hours to mass family shit; more hours to hanging with friends, and more hours to sleeping... and i -magically- didnt get jack shit done.
homework and bullshit work are the main themes for me until the end of the semester i have: 3 term papers, 2 response papers, 1 4.5 hour exam, 1 final stats presentation, 2 quizes, then... finals week. not to mention arh bullshit, plus dealing with whatever else seems to come up. honestly, im not sure if im going to make it through all of this. as of right now i only have 1 response paper, and notes for 1 term paper done. i havent even looked at the material for my law class... which in all honesty i should have started studying for a month ago. this semester is going to kick my ass. until now, i had really, nothing going; then the last 3 weeks of the semester, everyone decides to make everything due, and everything has to be fucking ass 10 pages or more in length. not fair, not even useful.
couldnt believe how big of a mess my desk is. i cleaned up my room before i left, but not my desk. stacks of shit everywhere. cd's all over, paper and notes and bs like that about 3 inches deep. all i have is a small hole to move my mouse and to put my keys down. room even got cold enough last night i had to turn the heat on [if you know me, you know thats almost sacralige for me to do]. sometimes i hate this place. when i walked back in here last night, i just felt tired again. it was like i felt the stress of everything else just sit down on my shoulders when i went through the doorway. even as much as i could complain about being at home; i didnt feel like that there. only when i came back here does it all come back. with all the papers and work to be done, im not sure i like that feeling.
this weekend also had some other interesting moments. for one, i met a real live whore. not a prostitute; but a whore. a girl, who is 16, that has allegedly slept with 48 men--starting when she was 12. the current beau, is older than me. disgusting, was the first word that came to mind. intriguing was the next. anyone who hears someone profess a lifestyle like that should be all and out repulsed by it; and i was. but what started to get to me later on was thinking of how one could get to that point. then i started thinking about what i was doing at 12 years old... it sure as hell wasnt sex. i probably wasnt even starting to think about sex at that point... i would have been playing baseball and just getting into music... at 12 i bought my first GnR tape, and my first Nine Inch Nails tape. no where near getting pounded by some high-school aged chick. but i guess thats just me. and i guess alot of people arent like me. next i tried to rationalize why you could do that to yourself. i started comming up with a blank, but ive eventually settled on poor family relationships. the girl mentioned several comments about her father; none of which were very revealing; but all suggested to me, that shes doing this for attention. by now, im sure shes made herself believe in what shes doing, and truely like it; but im sure it started out as a way of attention- as a way to reinforce or suppleant a strong father-daughter relationship that was never there; which probably progressed into a similar social structure. [ie- her friends probably exhibited the same behavior, if not, the ones she kept imitated it and supported her... but by the sounds of it, they seem to engage in the same acts she does]. id probably guess that a mother is non-existent, that the father probably likes his booze, and by the grand scheme of things, they arent the wealthiest family in town. but none of my psycho babble means anything to this girl who does this. while she was over, she kept making comments that would strongly suggest shes seeking attention; and with her self-spoken love of 'older men' i think its tough to deny the type of relationship shes seeking. more over, i guess its tough to deny the type of future shes building for herself too. couldnt imagine anything positive comming from experiences like that; much less from someone who is proud of it all. i can sit back and think of the women ive been through, and although the number is much, much lower than was probably the norm for my age, i can still say im not very proud of it- i wish it was lower. but for someone, who under iowa law cant even drive by themselves yet, to have had sex with 48 strangers [she slept with the new guy the first night she met him], its hard to comprehend where all of that is going to lead her. one friend suggested porno. i disagree... shes got atleast 2 full years before she can show up on american made pornos LEGALLY. i suppose she can do some creepy jap kiddy porn work; but really, even as a prostitute she should have a ways to wait still. i guess what gets to me is how a girl like her does it. i dont question what i know, which is really anyone can be made to like something--- but the idea at first, when its still fresh... it cant have been too appealing to her. not at 12 years old. i suppose in this day and age, its not uncommon to suspect some form of pedophillia relation or incestual contact within the family, but she seemed to open for that. she seemed to proud for that. generally you find people to be tough to admit that problems like that exist at home; and when you do, they arent happy to say it. i just cant get over why she would be. she was proud to show it. the whole time she kept feeling up the new beau, even to his dissproval... several requests of 'stop it' 'cut it out' 'whats wrong with you' and 'dont' were heard, but it didnt work. she also was overly flirtatious and quick to respond in cutesy ways, attempting to attract the attention of the other 3 males in the room. it wasnt right. all the signs would suggest something other than what was sitting in the room. in that room was a 16 year old girl, who had enough make up on to cover up if she was 11, wearing kid like glasses, in a sunday-school type skirt and sweater outfit; who would look more in place laying on a bed, surrounded by stuffed animals and mandy more posters, talking about how cute carson daily is to her friends on the phone. but that wasnt all what she was.
i tried to think about how id handle that if i was a parent, and my daughter turned out like that. and i couldnt think of anything that would work. honestly, id probably beat the shit out my kid. id hope it would never progress to the point where he/she would reach something like that; but at that point there isnt much left to do. my child would have broken really every rule and expectation id have had for them; and what then? what do you tell the child who has done that to you? God banished them from the garden, and while thats not a bad way to handle it... its still your child out there then. at 16, you are legally obligated to care for them, even if you can break the chains of moral ownership. so what then? i couldnt imagine that situtation; much less that her parents seemed to be accepting of it all [based on what she said]. still at a loss for words for it all.
as some of you know, i had a long time, no-good relationship with someone. sometimes i mention it all in passing here, but i try not to dwell on her too much, although i know i do. [post edit - read back a few for more info on her, the long email and the poem were both about her... S.A.] While at home i found myself driving aimlessly, at 5:30 in the morning. ive been doing alot of thinking about the past, and about the future lately... and i dont know why; but at 5:30 in the morning; i find myself parked about a house down from hers, on her street. i guess i didnt know what i was doing there, but i was still there. yeah, its thanksgiving night, and im sitting there in the dark, with the engine running; and i have no clue why im sitting there. Lights are all off, no one seems to be around; and its not like id be expected here. honestly, i might be one of the last people that shed want around. so i sat there. for a while i thought to myself how bad it must look if anyone saw me there. i felt like a stalker; i felt like i was obsessed. but i dont think i was, and i dont think that i am. i think what i wanted was an end to it all. i wanted the end that i never got. i wanted some sort of finality to all the shit that had happened; i wanted something more that me just hanging up on her. i wanted more than empty promises as a goodbye. i wanted to have some sort of nasty, drag-out knock-down, fuck-off for good fight. i also wanted one of those heartfelt teary, blury, so long's. i never got anything i wanted. so i sat there thinking about it all. i thought of all the times id parted with myself to do things for her. i thought about all the compromises and the bullshit i put up with just to have something. and i thought about how it wasnt worth any of it; none of it. when all of it was happening, it was just one constant stream of frustrations; one new turn of events after another. and now ive got all the time in the world to sit and remember it all; to let it all just keep playing over and over. to sit and wish maybe id have said something different, to wish maybe id been a bit more understanding. while i sat there, i cut my own thoughts off. i began to see it how i always should have. i began to think that, maybe i did do everything right; maybe i was understanding, and maybe i shouldnt have been. maybe i should have just given her the fuck-off back then. maybe id have learned something now about it then. i still havent gotten what i wanted.
i thought about whats going on now. i thought, maybe things will change... maybe, just maybe Axl had it right, that "when i find out all the reasons, maybe ill find another way; find another day. with all those changing season of my life, maybe ill get it right next time" as the song says. but im not so sure of it all. Axl also told us that "we both know hearts can change" and that sure as fuck didnt happen either. not even when you wanted it to change, it didnt happen. even now when i sit and look at myself, and i think im sure of what im doing; im not. i think, and i act, in a way that i tell myself is right and proper; and they way i treat certain people is just nothing. and i lie to myself about it. i know its not what i want. if anything from her, _ _ _ _ tought me that im never going to get what i want; not even when i fight for it. and it made me angry when ive thought about it in the past. but not when i was sitting there in the car. not this time. and im not sure why. i guess i thought more of what it all meant to me; and now im starting to let go; but i never got the chance to let go. not that it makes any difference to her. but it makes a difference to me. i used to think that none of it bothered me. it did. but i used to try to force myself to think it was normal, and it was all ok, and despite getting screwed up the ass; it had its positive moments. im still trying to believe that. i do some days. but not that night, not sitting there looking at it all, wondering why i never felt like i did right then before. i wondered to myself why i ever cared about her. i wondered why i would even want to sit and think about her. i wondered why i even kept her in my prayers for so long. litterally years afterwards, id still include her. not that it mattered much. not that shed care. not that i should have. but i did. and even then i realized i still never got what i wanted. and it doesnt matter anymore. and im still bitter.
i guess im only bitter because it still ruins me. i sit and talk to some girls, and it doesnt come up. but sometimes, with certain ones; it feels like im back in it again. it feels like im not talking to you, it feels like im talking to her. it feels like im getting fucked over again, and you still dont care... just like she didnt. all of that got to me as i was sitting there. all of it started to make me mad again. some of it was about her, and some of it was with whats going on now. alot of it all made sense. after all the shit i put up with this weekend from people, hearing their comments, hearing their jeers about me; i just wanted it to stop. only so many times you hear shit about how youre single, how youre an dissappointment, how even 'family' can see that youd be un-attractive enough not to get a girl... only so much you want to hear. then youre sitting in silence. you are sitting in a car, on a dark street, and its all right in front of you. and it still doesnt make sense. it never made sense why the one time you wanted something to be different; it was more of the same... it was so much like every other time, that you made yourself think it was different. but there wasnt anything different there. there wasnt anything there at all. its funny how the past is like the present. its funny how you find someone, that really is different, but really nothing is different. nothing is there. its funny how you want it all to be different, and its all the same. its like its a pattern. a pattern that doesnt break; a pattern that fits every size and every occasion, and its allready there when you get there. it just follows you. when you say things, its got the replies made up. when you try to do something; its got their reaction completed. and when you try to care again; its ready to cut that part out. so many things i thought i knew, i thought were different; just really never were. so many things that now, id like to change, that now id want to be; i know wont. its funny how it all makes sense that easy. its funny how easy you can put your hands on it with one touch; how easy it is to feel the form, to feel it breathe to feel it be with one touch. it stays with you. that first touch never leaves you. its just so simple, so comforting, so reassuring. and then its gone. and then you have the rest of your life to remember it.
" for many times it would seem just like a memory
i searched and found the way to choose the end
i found the ways, why it had to be
mired in denial and so far away " *
with that simple touch i reached in the glove box and pulled it out. the steel was cold to the touch and gleamed in the street light. the nickel plating was polished and slick. i put it on the seat next to me to look at it. i thought about what i needed to do and what i wanted it all to end up like. and i knew i had to do this. i knew it had to end sometime. i dont want to loose the memories, i dont want to loose the freedom; but i did need to do this. i reached into my pocket and pulled out a picture. it was a picture of her that id had for awhile; one i rather liked. one i dont show people, just one that i like to keep to remember her by. i thought i knew what it all was, but i was wrong. i thought i knew how it was supposed to turn out; but i was wrong again. thats when i rolled down the window and reached over to the seat. i looked around, the street was still quiet, and i took one last look at her house. i dont know if she was there or not. but i knew it never really mattered, no one would really know that. i closed my hand around it, and sparked the lighter to life. i watched the flame for a second; before i lit the picture on fire. i watched it burn. i watched the edges turn black, and run into the middle of the picture. i saw it crumple in my fingers and smoke. then i flipped it out the window into the street. and i drove away.
i drove away because im done with it. i drove because i wanted to leave it behind; i wanted to end it on my terms. i wanted it to stop being something in the back of my mind. i wanted it to stop being something that just sits in my chest when i hear her name. i wanted to stop wanting her. i want something new to come along to take her place. i dont want to be the person stuck hanging on to something that i never had. id much rather be the person hanging on to something that i do have. even though i dont have anything... and people are probably right, i wont get anything; it something that just has to end sometime. its just got to end that i can try to be happy about what im not happy about; its got to end that im content to pretend and play the game when its not what i want. its about finding something to say, rather than finding the time to say it. i wish things could be different, i wish that i could be allowed to say what i want to, when i want to; to whom i want to... but if ive learned anything , i should have learned that patience doesnt necessarily pay off. it wont pay off whats not there to begin with.
ain't it fun~
s.
*- lyrics to Madagascar, by GnR
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