without the useless world; id be left all alone
no right no wrong, no reason, just something all my own

without the night the days are bright
im fortunate for rain, especially tonight
as the church strikes 9, i feel no sorrow
yesterday was, and now it is tomorrow

in the pale moon light the truth was once shown
its in this cold autumn air, that i now walk alone

the thoughts of you still linger, im sure they always will
some days are difficult now, but weakly my heart beats still
ive forgotten now all those times, memories of you i kill

takes your memories and let them crumble away to dust
with you i was something, without you i still lust

cut off that part of me, just let 'me' fade away
i want it all back, but be things as they may
now i walk the path alone, by myself, alone today

let this ruse, this cruel trick; flee now from my mind
heartbreak and discontent, the things you left behind

on these cold days of yesterday, i still think of you;
- the leaf-laden grass is cold and fresh with evening dew;
the talks we had; the lies you said, they still arent true;
- ive let it all go, just an empty husk now, all because of you

once i asked myself, "is this worth what youve done to me?"
but no one would answer me; "just move on and let things be"

and in the end; i will be alone, no one will dispute me that
but in those years of solitude death creeps up my lonely path

all those days, those feelings and those tears
they all elude me now, moving through the years
slowly the fog will rise, i bet it never clears
when i see the end, its worse than all my fears

its nothing more than an empty street
with me bleeding, lying at your feet

-----------------
ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection - Kenny Wayne Shepard Band - Was

this one of those times when im not real sure why im writing. i just made an entry the other day... and honestly i dont have anything really new to add.. but i found myself typing here.... figured id may as well make the most of it. speaking of doing odd things on auto pilot: lately theres been alot of talk about ex's and past relationships and breakups going around... well tonight i found myself [again] using google for a legitmate search, and saw me type in my ex's name... i guess its not the point that i didnt find anything [other than where shes at now, and what her email address is....] but... its just something i guess i dont know if i like about myself. today i had an IM convo with someone who really seems to be going through the post-breakup feelings now, and i tried to talk, from experience, that i knew what that was like... that i was past that breakup part, but here i am, looking up her fucking name on google search. i dont like me doing that. frankly it scares me. i was one of those people who, yes admitedly, had a very hard time getting over her... shit i still carried her picture in my wallet almost 2 years afterwards; fuck ive still got a picture of us on my wall... but all in all i thought iw as over her... and times like this, when i find myself doing something stupid like that, i really wonder about me. i wonder how much sanity i have, and why i appearantly give myself too much credit sometimes. its important to say, i WANT to be over her. where am i really at on that scale? i dunno, id like to think miles past the marker..but days like today make me think i fall into a regression pretty easily. how cured can you be, if you slip in to remission that easily... a few words with someone else earlier in the day takes you right back to where you were... its bullshit. i shouldnt do it, and it shouldnt bother me... but i did, and it does. and now its really occupying alot more of my time than say... latin, or stats... just from that one unconscious act, ive now violated part of the terms of the breakup... i found her new email and postal address. when she left, that stuff was explicitly not given to me. maybe she can lie to herself and just say she didnt have the time to give it to me; or maybe it just slipped her mind-- but it was a definite act... and it was very fitting of our relationship. i dont want to know.. i didnt want to know it. i wanted to live my life and move the fuck on. but now i know it. knowing me, ill send her something now. ill be drunk, or stupid, and just send her something... and i shouldnt. i dont want to, but somewhere deep inside me i guess i still do.. and thats wrong. i scare me sometimes. i want to be to the point in my life where i dont ever have to sit and think about her again. and i guess im not there yet. now i kinda question if ill ever get there... i used to think i was there... now im not so sure where i am. i liked it when i knew; i liked it when i felt in control of myself. i liked myself better then. its kinda hard finding yourself doing stuff like that at 3 am, and lie-ing to yourself that you are in control. bullshit. appearantly she still is, whether she knows it or not. so to you [you know who you are] thats why i didnt have much to say... i guess im not a good model of getting over people. actually im doing a pretty poor job of it still, maybe you can do better than me.

questions, comments, snide remarks ? scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Double Talkin Jive

::::: found a head and an arm in a garbage can.. dont know why im here... livin on the run for oh so long; i gotta go collect... double talkin jive, get the money mutherfucker, cuz ive got no more paitence... double talkin LIES, and ive got no more paitence... man... are diggin... what im sayin to you? home-fucker! :::::

started playing this one and typin it out in a lyric war with someone on IM tonight... couldnt get it out of my head for a bit.. so here it is... once again, one more top notch anthem for GnR that never made the airwaves. Jive was never released as a single, and not as a B side either, i dont think.. but Double Talkin Jive is one of the fan favorites to hear live, usually for the soloing and interp that comes with the end of the song... lotta times it allows duff'er and slash to keep on playing and tagging back and forth in several musical styles... most noteably spanish flamenco... cool stuff.. its one of those songs that i crank to 10 and scream with. allways great to hear after a long day of getting screwed.... ofcourse, its off Illusions - 1, track 10 iirc... good shhhtuff
----

oh man.. today was wonderful. ultra crapfuckingtastic stats... [read: lab day in stats], it just means Wieting doesnt like my project, or my data, i probably did it wrong... and i dont care!. also had some shitass excuse for a review sheet for the midterm.. yeah, i guess math class now has ESSAY questions... whut the fuck people? who the hell ok's this shit with the University academic standards comittees? besides the point, the review sheet [one side of one page] only covers the essay topics... were 'on your own to cover all the material from lecture, lab and resource projects' fuck that. i hate school.

ordered new business cards yesterday... hope to get them in a week or so... yes, for those of you that are curious, i did get business only ones... im still thinking about making out some personal contact cards as well... something that i can hand out my screen name and home address and cell number on. honestly i dont trust most of the people i know with some of that info... but atleast i wouldnt have to sit and write it out all the time. cards should be nice... im tried of waiting on Res Services to do anything about my cards or University Print Office to do anything.... teeeechnically only org's and dept's can get cards made, and teeeeechnically they wont release me to get them made up on University cards with logos.... so that means i ended up going solo on it... yay for tax write offs !!! either way, i get more cards, cheaper, with what i want on them, sooner; than i would through the University... and still have no bullshit to wade through to get them done. hopefully they will be in by the time Macurh comes around... definietly could come in handy there.

Macurh is another issue alltogether. kudos go to the Failure for actually getting people interested in going... looks like a bunch of people [12 ish] are going now... plus some 'attractive ones' by his standards... yeah folks, we know what that means... im happy and sad about it really. i dont admit to it much, but i will miss being around the people that we took last year. if nothing else, for comedic effect, but for the most part they always kept it interesting... and thinking back on it, macurh last year was really the first time i got to know most of them.. before that, i was pretty much restricted to them staring at me, and looking at their watches during meetings. meh. i guess its all a state of change, isnt it? also somewhat apprehensive about the people we have going... all new people; mostly people who ive never met, and never seen at a meeting... which i guess is ok, its just something that makes me worry... maybe i shouldnt knock them; but maybe i should. these are the people who are supposed to be representing everything that is the University of Iowa in Residence Hall life... im going to place bets, alot of these kids have only lived here the 9 weeks... i know after my first 9 i wouldnt have made a good representative.... time will tell.

my life just doesnt seem to get much better these days.... things tend to stagnate out... then just sit there a while. lots of things seem to take more time then they need to.. like studying for a class; because that takes me away from sleeping, eating, hanging out with friends, talking to other friends online, studying for other classes, or even, god forbid, arh stuff. i guess i never wanted a simple kind of life. a life where i go to school, i have friends, maybe even get to have a girlfriend; and NOTHING ELSE... no hassles, no meetings, no newspaper articles and rebuttals, no hate mail, no pc bullshit, nothing. just what i want. i guess i cant have that. i guess thats too much for me to ask for. i never asked for this job, or what its brought me.... students wanted me, students elected me... i never even campaigned for it all... so i guess i really have nothing and no one to be mad at... just that i cant have the simple kind of life; that everyone else has; that id really like to have. things like that leave you hanging at about 2 in the morning... wondering what ensuing shit storm tomorrow will bring... its never calm... maybe lesser degrees of blizzard, but its allways going to be there. simple kind of life my ass...

i had a really long, and wonderful visit with someone tonight. i suppose you could arge i see them or talk to them alot, but i really dont think so... to me an IM here or there twice a week doesnt count... thats why tonight was really nice. plus they made some office hours go by really fast for me [not that i got any real work done tho], but ive learned from this job, that maybe its not allways about business.... maybe sometimes the most important part of your 9-5 work day, could just be sitting and listening to someone else. granted, it wasnt 9 to 5, and it really wasnt anything work-related about it... it just felt right tho. hopefully they feel better now, i guess i cant offer 'betterness' in a syringe, but i can always sit and listen and talk. talking is the best part of it all actually... when i get to talk to someone long enough, stuff allways comes out... its not like 'i actually was the second gunman on the grassy knoll' but its stuff that to me is important.. its stuff that i can make a better understanding with about someone else. i suppose i can also wrongly say they would also gain a better understanding of me... but thats not the case; and i guess in my life ive found it to be more of a rareity that someone actually does admit to wanting to talk with me. thats probably why im allways shocked that people do want to talk to me when i offer... im never good at dealing with relationships of any sort... be it sexual, friendship or something in between; i guess im just not cut out for it... me personally? i think i deal better with crisis... and i guess maybe thats why i allways seem to find the people that i do.. no wonder why im allways surrounded by nutcase women, its because i react to situations better than i premptively engage them. that why i like arguing, thats why i was good at debate, and maybe, just a little, thats why i like dealing with or seem to select all the girls with massive problems.... i suppose the other way to look at it, is thats all i can get... i suppose thats true too. id rather it just be the prior and not the latter. eitherway, nights like tonight make me happy, atleast to know that im one step closer to someone else in the world than i probably was yesterday; hopefully they feel the same way about it. besides, im allways amazed to hear people think. when i talk to people, i try to make them draw out conclusions, and make them think so i can hear it. i think tonight i actually can appreciate someone a little better than maybe i have now, just because of that. even though you know the reasons, you still might not end up at the same conclusion.. but once you hear the reasons and the logic.. you get a pretty good indication of where its going. and for whatever it may mean, i do appreciate this person, when appearantly alot of other people may not. although it can feel odd at times, and maybe youre never quite sure you should be telling people things... ill always be glad that you people can share those things with me. and for one person in particular tonight; i know you will figure it out some time... just look in places where you wouldnt, and you will find everything just may happen for a reason.

got some responses about the last posting... lots of you, it seems, didnt think i really got mail like that from girls. well, jokes over kids... I DO! like i said, thats not the only one from her, and shes by far not the only one to send me things like that... its a trend that i dont necessarily care for, but at the same time, dont have much ability to control. so alot of you that read this have problems with people or boys or girls in general; i guess read this knowing your not the only one. this person was someone i totally trusted, and really felt solid about. funnily enough, this partly came up in conversation tonight... more of the general sense of knowing right or wrong about someone when you like them... the only thing that i didnt get to say to someone tonight was; as much as i wanted everything to happen with her, all along i knew it was wrong. even though i found myself thinking marriage, everything that comes with serious relationship and all that shit... deep down inside, it never felt right. it never felt right when i talked to her, it never felt right when she called, it didnt even feel right touching her... i was so caught up in the dillusion of what i wanted, i just shut that part of me off. my friends all laughed at me, and told me i was full of shit; but i didnt listen.. what i wanted to hear were my urges to have another human being.... and thats not wrong... just she was. although you may think everything was a big mistake, and maybe it was.. this is just something else to prove that maybe it wasnt right after all. maybe its not quite like the notion of the 'something thats meant to be, will be', but if it was meant to be, then it would have been, and it didnt... looking back at things like that, make me sit and wonder why i never thought that way in the begining... that if none of this plays out, maybe its for the better. maybe thats how you should allways look at it... maybe thats a good place to start. for me, and maybe for you; i guess i know that no matter who you put close to you, they can always bite the hand that feeds; and from all that, i guess ive learned to look around more. that maybe what i want is right infront of me now; and just maybe everything in the universe did pan out just right to put it all within your grasp, if only youll open your eyes to see it for what it is. but maybe im just rambling, delerious from sleep deprevation and lonlieness; and just becomming ever more conscious of my own mortality and faults. ever more contemplative of my dealings and past relationships, more aware of my surroundings, as this may be the last chance i see things.. rushing to take in every last sight before i see no more... in which case, youll probably never know what i mean.... but maybe it could be im the crazy one, and maybe all these people are right to burn me, and chastize me for what i think and what i feel. maybe every one of you is legitimate in your treatment of me; because im truely that far gone from how 'we' think anymore. so youll probably just write me off as such. but maybe, i do have a shred of truth, and maybe im actually on to something, would you recognize it for what it is? would you actually be willing to see me for what i really am, and what i have for you? probably not... because im funny looking. im not cute like you all are accustomed to, i dont act like everyone else does, and i certainly dont treat you like everyone else ever has... so thats got to make me wrong, doesnt it? times like these, id like to think maybe im the right one. but its more important for you to realize that than me. ill just go back to myself until you do.



::::::::::::::::::::::::: 26 DAYS TILL GnR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

ain't it fun~
s.