Current Musical Selection: GnR - Dont Cry

sometimes i wish someone would go back to the grunge era and just start churning out sad, mournfull songs again. really all music today is just nothing more than happy fun garbage. nothing has any sense of soul anymore; nothing has any sense of loss; nothing has any sense of despair anymore. when i come home some days, i just want to sit in a dark room, and hear some macobre music... and no one is making it. theres only so many times i can sit and re-listen to some Alice In Chains and Nirvana, before i want to hear something depressing in a different melody.

Dont Cry isnt really one of those songs i suppose. but it is one of my favorites. it is a sad song. it is about loosing something or someone. its more or less, one of the songs i think, that really echos back to me part of what ive lived through. i can remember hearing words, like the lyrcis, that were of eeirly similar nature. i wasnt the one singing them, i was hearing them. i remember the first time getting 'shot down' as its called. the first time you open up, that you crack open your very soul and you just let loose with what you believe... pure, raw, heartfelt emotion. then to watch someones face when they just tell you, that you are worthless; that you arent even close to what theyd ever want to hear those words from; that no matter what you do, you are nothing. shot down isnt a bad description. but i think it implies a bit more possible action. atleast when your getting shotdown, you can pull the rip cord and bail; fuck the plane, fuck what happens with your CO, atleast your going to live through it. thats not what happens. even if you had a rip cord to pull, the chute would only catch on fire. if you even had the chance to jump out, youd only find sharp jagged cliffs below. no, there is nothing quite like that first time. its haunting. its surreal, yet it was. and it still is. then you find yourself back over the jungle. this time, your getting hit the same way you did before, and its just a dark an end.

sometimes i wonder about people. tonight i was told that one of my prior entries appearantly still upsets someone. im sure its easy to guess which one that is; so im not going to relive it. i dunno. i guess i wonder, if it was that bad, why didnt other people object? why didnt anyone else step up and say, 'god dammit man, thats prolly farther than you need to go' but no. so im faced with the same dilema i was when i posted it. the language is no less offensive, and the details to why i did it are much less clear than they were at the original time; and appearantly my point still isnt taken... so do i take it down? people will always judge my by my words alone. and i wish that wasnt ture. i really wish, that some how, people would take into account my emphatic meaning behind the words. in that instance, the language in a literal sense still cuts deeply; but i was hoping that my sentiment would go deeper. to me, what is the point of saying anything at all, if you cant get across your point. and my point still hasnt come across. people, i guess, are still pretty self centered. they are snide, they are rude, they only think for themselves. they rarely think outwardly about they, themselves are doing and saying; and, if by grace of God, they are confronted with it, they wont accept blame. here is the case of Scott. scott did. scott realizes exactly what he put in text. he openly admits to it being vulgar, inflamatory and crude. scott doesnt, however, appologize for the feeling behind those words. taking someones words and using them against them is a sin, but to leave out, and dissavow what those words are saying, is another. spell it out. the words mean scott was pretty upset as an individual about the way he was treated. he put it in that form to get the point across. dont focus on the words that i right, focus on the meaning that i pushing with them.

again. it comes down to me i guess. do i want to cave, and now void my own words, invalidate my own feelings, because someone isnt ready to move past it? does that mean that my feelings and my interpretation of the incident are therefore invalid? are my words wrong in a moral, good/bad useage, as well as wrong in a verifiable/truth useage? id hope not. id like to think that id never write something for myself in this space that isnt true. i invite you all to read it, because i feel it to be the truth. are my words more hurtful to you; because of what i said, or because they were right? see, people criticized, (and still do)_my interpretation of the incident and surrounding history. the thing is, my interpretation is based solely on the facts i was presented. night in and night out, i was told the same things over and over; how is my factual representation incorrect? its probably not so much incorrect as it just wasnt right to post. thats what gets to me; people still harbor hostility towards me in the guise that they wont forget what i say, but they have forgiven what ive said. thats not the case, when your still not forgiving the person. i could walk up to my uncles murdered today and tell him i forgive him; but if use what i havent 'forgotten' against him, then i truely havent forgiven him... im just lying to myself. thats something i hope i never do. i have a temper. its documented, well documented. i dont hide that. i have a very pointed sense of the world, and that is also documented. why are you just now objecting to that, if you say youve forgiven me? if you forgive me then you let it pass. you dont return to it when you find it conveniant, you stoop to it when it becomes potential ammunition, youve let it go. or so you say. but i guess what you all say to me, then how you act, is my point of all this. ive told you what i have to say, how will you all act now?

my meaning was to hit home. i wanted someone to stop and think about what was going on. yeah, maybe they are right, maybe it is all 'fuck me', and whose to say they are wrong for that,---i certainly havent. but you are still missing the point. the point is, someone was trying to tell you something. someone was just opening up, and giving you the hearfelt truth. but it was in a way you didnt like. you wouldnt listen to it any other way. and you still havent. the meaning that someone has tried to convey to you countless times still isnt getting through. so now ill stop. why waste myself for you? maybe thats something to make sure not to forget. maybe, thats the point to all of this. maybe its just someone wants you to know what this all looks like, and that you wont flippantly pass it by this time. like last time. like all those other times. like the time i wanted to tell you what i really thought about you as a person. like the time i wanted to tell you that what you said made a difference to me. like the time when i would realize i could tell you i loved you for who you are, if it would make a difference with what you did to yourself. but just like all the other times, you wont remember this one either. you couldnt remember that, your too busy trying not to 'forget' what else happened.

last things last. what do we want in the end? do want clear and indefinite resolution all around, or do we just want what we want? i want clear resolution. i want final, definive action, so i can just move on to the next stop. but people puzzle me. people say, 'ive settled this' and they havent, they open up old wounds for selfish cause. they harbor threats and directives from your words, then hold them over your head... and remember, they forgave you. so what of rememberance. it seems to me that if, in the end, that resolution just means deffering all action until i get what i want; then thats what we had here. if its about truely moving on, i guess i just got left in the wake somewhere, trying to extend a hand to someone whom would just rather not take it. for people to extend that hand, should mean alot more than just a hand in your face. maybe it looks like a slap to the face to you as your thrashing about, but that hand is there for you. that hand is there to help pull you out. that person, attached to that hand, wants and is actively helping. but you only see it the way you want to see it. you just want to see it as another hand trying to hold your head underwater. maybe that hand is, but maybe its going to lift your chin above the water line. so in the end, where does that leave us at? ill still stand there with my hand extended to you, and youll just keep slapping it away. and ill always think back to the times you could have taken my hand, and walked to shore. and youll just keep thinking what you will, but ill never hear it from where i am, and youll never share it. and for that reason alone, my words will stand; and my sentiment will go unnoticed.


ain't it fun~
s.