Of recent things Scott;
I live in my own home.
I started over with my heart.
Found the greatest friendship I’d had to this point in my life.
Found a roommate to make life easy.
Lost a roommate making life more difficult.
Lost the friend, possibly for good, for reasons I don’t understand.
Felt my heart tell me to stop for good.
Resumed life alone in my own home.
I wish I had the time and space to brag more; but lets be honest: most people read this blog to see how messed up my life gets. In short order, of the past few months, the above list, in order, pretty much is it. Its sad. At some point I hooked up with someone I had known for years. We bonded. We shared alot. And… we were pretty damn good together. She knew it, and so did I. And somehow it went to crap. She moved in with me. She moved out. She’s gone. All the while, its not what I wanted. Am I going to lie and say I didn’t want her? Absolutely not. I never had the chance to tell her why I was willing to do this; knowing the odds were good of it getting screwed up. I shouldn’t really share it here either. But consider all the posts about my life, my heart, and where I’d been, and extrapolate. I wanted one hope. I wanted one image. One person through all of it. And by the time I’d cleaned out most of my life, she and I showed up together doing the same things at the same time. I will love that about her. Despite the decisions she’s made. Of course I disagree with them. But she doesn’t know which ones. In the end, it doesn’t matter. She wasn’t willing to move forward and wasn’t ready in her heart to see it. I did, and I do. I love her for that. I can’t hate her. I can’t be angry. I am upset. But thats natual. In the end, its me. I don’t let her take the blame for anything else, except for the things she does. I feel guilty. I’m upset. I’m the one that lost in all of this.
Going forward. Its time I really follow the words of people I trust. From my friend out on the reservation, I received an email the day J moved out, even when I didn’t know she was moving [yes, she waited till I went to work, then cleaned out the house before I came home, and refused to answer me about it for two days]. He said the wind had turned sharply cold, the sky was suddenly dark and knew it was winter. The wind, he said, blew that morning from the wrong direction and it carried with it the sand as he saw an eagle fly from my [east] direction. For some reason, he knew it was about me he says. He wrote to me to tell me the Great Spirit has blown strong and cold change. That my path would be covered in dust and debris and uncertainty. The eagle has flown from me. But all these things he said might not have meant anything particular. He told me he felt a great sorrow from the Spirit as he saw the eagle, and knew my heart was to be blown cold by this change. He told me to be strong, to pray to Mother Earth, and know the Great Spirit of the circle will carry me along; it will shape the land, it will clear the skies again, and the winds will make me cold, so that the sun will warm me one day. He said three great prayers and returned to the place he met me and burnt sage grass offering to the Great Spirit and to the Earth, and to my spirit to be strong. I sat on the floor of my empty living room that night and re read what he said. I was sad. I was cold. I was alone. Certainly everything about my journey and path was obscured and changed in one day. So I wait for the Great Spirit, and I returned the blessing that night. Thats all I can do these days.